Beautiful When Not Trying

And because after writing that last post and falling short of finding a picture that summed up my feelings, I post this now.  Because as much as I can make plans for my life and how to better myself, I also want to enjoy color and art and what not for what it is and not read into EVERYTHING.  Sometimes things are beautiful just because they catch your eye.  Sometimes you can make beautiful things and be something beautiful without trying, even with your faults.

Perfectionism . Introversion . Exhaustion

If I do great things, and no one ever knows about them, am I still relevant? 

If I write great songs and play them alone in my house, can I really be an esteemed writer?

If a tree falls in the woods, and no one is there to hear it, does it still make a sound?  Does it still matter?

I guess these are all ridiculous questions asking the same idea.

Does success require extroversion?  Because it seems like in order to be appreciated or to be successful, you must publish your work and be striving for some type of attention, some recognition. 

Obviously the idea of being appreciated or respected is appealing to me.  However, the idea of publishing my work gives me anxiety. 

But why?

Is it the judgment or feedback on my work that scares me?  Or the accountability?  I think the thing that scares me the most is pressure, really.  If I do something good, than I have to do something better next time.  What is the point of being creative if you're a downward slope?

I think I've been waiting to be the best me before I publish anything or make it public.  Waiting to organize a grand thought.  I believe I am capable of great things.  But nothing feels great enough at the time.

Perhaps my perfectionism is holding me back from growth.  No doubt that it is, in reality.

So I would like to make a few goals for myself based on the things that I feel that are holding me back from being the best me.

Strengths/Weaknesses that are not entirely bad things, but ARE things that are holding me back:

Perfectionism
Introversion
Exhaustion

(and the goals that are being birthed through this realization, as follows):

Perfectionism: 
     -     I would like to start working every night on recording or writing.  If it's not perfect, it's okay!  I would like to work on demos of a full album with all of the instruments.  It doesn't have to be perfect.  But it DOES need to be done.

Introversion:
     -      I would like to start going to lunch with people.  I have found that my nights typically tend to be very busy as a single mother raising a wonderful child that I WANT to have my full attention when I'm with her, on top of maintaining a house and having quality me time.  In the past, I typically dedicate my lunch breaks to doing dishes and other household chores around the house or sleeping. However, when I'm NOT doing housework that NEEDS to get done and CAN'T be done at night, I would like to spend that time visiting with people and maintaining my ability to connect and care with friends.  Whether I crave this or not is not the issue--it is good for me to hear about other people's problems and to invest in other people's lives.  Not to mention, this kind of thing--interaction--is where inspiration is drawn from.  It is not pointless in any shape or fashion.

Exhaustion:
     -     I would like to start going to bed later and waking up earlier.  I know, I know.  Sounds counter-productive to curbing exhaustion.  HOWEVER, the fact of the matter is that when I go to sleep at 8p.m. and wake up at 6:45a.m., I am getting almost 11 HOURS OF SLEEP.  That is much too much. In fact, I am only supposed to be having between 7.5 and 8 hours of sleep a night.  SO.  New bedtime is 10:00 p.m. and new wake up time is 6:00 a.m.  That gives me my goal amount of sleep.  This also allows about 2.5 hours of time AFTER my daughter goes to sleep for me to play music and record, do dishes, clean, read, watch TV, have "me" time, etc.  And waking up at 6, gives me 30-45 minutes to do dishes or clean if I need to, and to do yoga and meditate BEFORE starting my day.  This will help with my exhaustion.  It will also most likely help with my perfectionism and introversion as well, as I will have time to meditate and think and have "me" time as a way to start my day off.

I am tired of taking my strengths/weaknesses and just assuming that they control how I act and what I will do and what I will create.

"Although of course you end up becoming yourself." - David Foster Wallace

I control what I do and how I act, and I am strong and more than the things I define myself by.  Those things are not limitations.  I control my future.

Who am I and what matters to me doesn't have to be a reflective question.  The future is now.  The future is beautiful, and if I work hard and makes goals, it's just the way I want it to be.

Learning How to Daughter

Today, I tried to practice what I preached.  Today, I tried to be in the moment.  And I had a really fantastic day with my daughter.  We played hide and seek and baked cookies.  We read lots of books--she made me read a Farm Animal Sounds book seven times in a row because she knows what dogs say and was excited to learn some other animals' sounds too.  I can see her wheels turning lately.  I can say something like, "Where is the pig's eye?"  And she points to it.  "Where is momma's nose?"  And she points to it.  Sometimes she points to her own nose instead.  She doesn't really understand the who part yet. :)

But we had a fantastic day.  She went to bed late, and was pissed about it--seemingly because she didn't want the wonderful day to end.

I love being a mom.  I love what she teaches me.  I love learning with her.

She gets so frustrated about simple things--today, she was holding one of those nose sucker things while I was changing her clothes, and the item was too large for her to continue holding while I put her arm in the sleeve.  So I tried to take it from her, and she resisted, looking at me with a  frantic face like she was about to throw down about holding this nose sucker.   So I let it go and asked if she would put it down on the table and I patted the table to signal to her where to put it.  She happily put it down.  It wasn't the act of losing the nose sucker (why couldn't it have been a more romantic object now that I'm telling the story?!) that upset her.  It was the act of me taking it from her.  She wanted to do it on her own time in her own way.

And I ought encourage that.  I ought be present to be familiar with what her own way looks like so that I can encourage it and encourage our bonding instead of a power struggle between us.

She's my daughter, but there's no reason I should treat her as beneath me.  Me and my mom do things completely different, and I am happy I was allowed the space for me to learn how I like to do things.

So I continue this quest of learning how to deal with my one year old and treat her with respect.  And humble myself in the process with how simple "getting along" can really be.

I can't believe I am so lucky to be living this life I lead.

I love her independence.  I love everything about her.  She's my girl.

Be Alive

The amount of order and disarray in my mind. 

Everything that can be scheduled must be in order, organized, and mapped out on a linear time frame.

A to-do list with suggested times of completion. 

"After I leave this errand, I will head to that errand and complete other errand which is on the way to that errand."

Lines.

Sometimes intersecting.  Sometimes seemingly sporadic, but always planned out, at the very least, five minutes ahead.

A constant state of repeating. "Hangers.  Milk.  Magnets.  Hangers.  Milk.  Magnets." 

"Damn it.  I'll just write it down in my notes on my phone.  And keep looking down at it when I forget why I came here.  And keep looking down.  And keep looking down.  And planning which route to take to consolidate my steps and time."

Never trusting myself to remember everything that I need to get done, even when I try my hardest to just. Think. About. The. Things. That. Don't. Matter.

And in the mean time, I miss my daughter giving up on trying to catch my attention. (Or so I imagine--it seems I wouldn't know).  :(

What am I so afraid of thinking about, seeing, talking to, or dreaming about that I shut off that side of my brain.  "Here, think of these things-grocery lists and bed times." 

Why can't I just play?  Why can't I use my time to get in the bath with my daughter?  Or go exploring with my boyfriend (jk I don't have one)?  Or paint my body in beautiful colors and take nude pictures?  Or sit down at the piano and just play all night--not for recording or for writing, but just because I want to enjoy myself and not judge myself?

Life is for living. 

Not for marking days off of lists.

It's okay to think sometimes.  And it's okay to not think sometimes.  But don't forget to live along the way.

I've always known I have a tendency to redirect within in some shape or form.  And really, I'm okay with it--it's how I work best.  But I want to redirect to constructive outlets, and not to consolidate my creativity into outlets I would do best at.  I want to redirect to constructive outlets that make me feel alive and happy and present.  Even if I suck at them.

Example: Traveling from Point A to Point B.

If Point A and Point B are familiar, then really it is the journey between these two points that could be the most fun.

And just because it is important to get from Point A to Point B doesn't mean that one can't have fun along the way.

The area in between is all of the things that I look over, and sometime I wonder if those things are more important than the points at which I stop to look around.  

I want my head up while I'm traveling.  I want to feel alive. 

I want to squeeze you and tell you I love you and feel your skin and your temperature and your clothes all at the same time.

I want to be alive.

Feeling Down Don't Get Me Down

Been really down this weekend. Got my dream job that I've been wanting for two years, only to have to turn it down because the benefits don't cater to individuals with families. Then finding out people I called friends blocked me on social media because? My house is a wreck. My car is a wreck. Want to hide and hibernate. Wasn't eating. Wasn't drinking water. Wasn't taking care of myself. Laying in bed.

And now I feel really shitty about the way I handled all of it. Life is hard sometimes. And sometimes it's really not that hard. Sometimes I'm really dramatic.

And SOMETIMES instead of beating yourself up about feelings first and then how you handle them and how you also weren't productive and that must mean you're a bad mom and that must mean your daughter is going to be raised around an unhealthy mom, etc. until my ANXIETY IS THROUGH THE ROOF AND I WANT TO CONTINUE TO RUN AND HIDE....

Maybe I should breathe and realize that this week just started and it's fresh and new, and I control my future and feelings and the way I handle them. I can't change the past. But I'm gonna rock the hell out of my future. I'm going to take care of myself. I'm going to figure out what I need to be happy and healthy, and I'm going to actively do that, and if I don't get around to doing everything, I'm going to have grace with myself. Because moms do a lot. And it's okay to have a bad weekend. But thinking that means you have to have a bad week is so silly. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and ROCK THIS SHIT! Strong. Mama.

Taking My Life by the Reigns

It’s okay to be selfish.  It’s okay to take my time. 

I don’t owe anyone any explanation for the way I am or the way I feel. 

Sure, I should be a work in progress and be actively bettering myself.  But right now, I am enjoying loving myself.  I am enjoying loving my daughter. 

And I see no reason to rush learning lessons that I undoubtedly will learn in due time.

I can take my time regarding what I want to do in my life.  As long as I’m moving forward and doing it for ME and my DAUGHTER, then nothing else really matters and I don’t owe anyone else an explanation.

You can try to make me feel bad for doing what makes me happy.  But it doesn’t make me feel anything at all really.

I don’t owe you anything at all.

I’ve got everything I need.  And some day, if I feel as if I need more, I will make that decision on my own.  Because it’s a decision only I can make. 

(It’s odd looking at this situation from a view point that is typically the other person’s view point).

But I don’t feel bad.  And I don’t feel like I need to apologize.

And seeing someone pout about my decisions is the biggest turn off and makes me know I did the right thing.

Because if I can hold my head high and have confidence in my decisions, that means I have grown—that I am becoming the woman I want to be and the kind of woman that I RESPECT.

 

I make mistakes.  All of the time.  But recognizing those mistakes and making them right and NOT beating yourself up about them is a much more productive way of looking at life than wondering what could be or what could’ve been.

The way things are is the way things are and the way things CAN BE is totally up to me and me alone.

I hold the keys to my future.

So don’t try to steal my keys and then pout when I don’t give them to you.

Love your own life.

I love mine.

(Feeling free and empowered and loving my life and the people that are in it.  Don’t mind me).

I want to travel.  I want to recycle.  I want to be healthy.  I want to be involved.  I want to be active.  I want to be a good mom.  I want to make music.  I want to make art.  I want to make things with my garden.  I want to see the earth and the things we are given from it as coming full circle.

If you hold me back from these things and tell me you love me, I think really you just love your idea of me.

And I don't think that you need to be a part of my vision for my life.

And that is fine.  I love my life and what I have created for myself.  And that feels better than making anyone else happy.  

This is the first time in my life that I feel this way.  And it's so satisfying.

Letting Myself Think and Feel on Paper

To be completely honest, this may be the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with.

I sit here and feel my baby kicking in my stomach.  I feel a great amount of love towards her.  I also feel a slight sense of entrapment and my dreams dying with every kick.  At the same time, I am scrolling through social media and see pictures of her dad--drunk, enjoying life with our old mutual friends who I never see anymore, playing music, getting to travel, having friends, having energy, etc., and it makes me so angry.  Jealous.  Bitter.  Because I know that this is only the start of it.  Something that was both of our faults, now I alone get to deal with for the rest of my life.  And it is not my responsibility because "that is what is fair."  It is my responsibility because he is not being responsible.  It is my responsibility because he deserted me in my time of need.  It is my responsibility because he deserted us.  It is my responsibility because he doesn't want to be a father, but didn't have enough maturity or concern with my feelings to keep that from happening, even when I mentioned multiple times that we should be more careful.  But he will post pictures of this baby and claim her as his own. He will show her off like his trophy daughter.  And I will become the "nagging baby mama" who takes all of the fun out of everything because I am bitter.

I don't want to be bitter.

I do feel, however, that none of my dreams and aspirations with music, friends, or travel (all of the things that have made me happy in the past) would have had to have gone away had he just done what a good man would do and help me 50/50 for something that was 50/50 our fault.

It makes me angry.

On top of all of the future changes that will occur, another thing that is upsetting to me is the fact that he is not the man that I thought he was over the past two years.  I saw the potential in him--I saw the best, I encouraged him, I began to believe he was great.  And now, I don't see those things anymore.  I have caught him in more lies than I can count.  I have seen him verbally assault me and my baby.  I have seen him beg me to abort my baby and say that it was selfish of me to keep her and ruin his life.  I remained strong.  I have seen hate in his eyes at my decision, as well as a look of general apathy and lack of love and encouragement following that decision.  I had seen the opposite in his eyes toward me semi-consistently for two years previously--a look of admiration, love, and one of a slight sense of respect--a sudden change that occurred after my decision to keep the wonderful human that we created.  I have seen him tell me a few of his unrestrained feelings regarding the situation, but never asking me mine.  I have seen him try to manipulate me and put me in a box so that he can control me. Part of me is very bothered by the fact that a person can make you believe they are a certain way for so long, and then change completely into someone you scarcely recognize.  How, then, can you ever know if a love is true and forever?  Another part of me, however, believes that he did have that potential--he can be great.  He's just scared to be great; he drinks and smokes because he doesn't want to think about love or leaving people he cares about or really caring about people at all.  A part of me still believes he might come around--if not for me, for our daughter.  And that hurts my heart to feel that way because I think that means I still love him in some way.  What that love means or is, I do not know.  But that means I am not in control; it means that he still has control over me.  It means that I am still waiting on some ideal response.  I hate that.

I made a decision for the good of my baby, and am facing the hardest time of my life.  I don't view these hard times as a result of me keeping her.  I don't regret keeping her.  I regret falling in love with him.  I regret giving him a part of my heart.  I wish he were out of my life all together.  I would love to block him from all forms of social media--he and his friends so that I never have to hear about or see him again--that would be ideal.  It would be doable.  Except I now have to have him in my life for the rest of my life.  I don't have the option to cut him out of my life, because I have now made a father out of him.  And I can't pass my hatred of him on to my daughter--I refuse to do that.  So I just have to suck it all up and try to be nice and civil--wish him "Happy Father's Day," "happy birthday," "congrats!" to new jobs, etc.,--when under a different situation, I wouldn't think he is worthy of my friendship or my time.

I love my daughter already.  She is the first thing I think about when I wake up, and I am excited to wake up, which is important I think.  I just don't feel like myself right now.  I feel like I have too many emotions in my head to organize them.  And at the end of the day, those emotions don't really matter anymore.  I see myself fading.  I see myself not wanting to feel anything at all.  I feel like I am in a constant state of zoning out.  I am an auto-pilot machine that is not very well taken care of but functioning at a basic level--rusty appearance, primal capabilities, but getting the obvious work that needs to be done completed.  I am keeping up appearances.  I have no idea what I am thinking or what kind of person I am right now.

But I think I am a good person.  I think I will be a good mom.  I hope.  It's all I have.

Another thing that I am struggling with is the idea that I am writing this as some form of explanation of why I am bitter, as if I have to argue my side of the story.  Why?  Winning the argument doesn't prove anything.  Winning isn't going to make things better, make me a better mom or person, or give me peace.  At the end of the day, things are what they are right now.  And they won't always be this way, for the better or worse.  I am trying to be thankful that he is a part of my life in some small form right now.  I am trying to be thankful that we are at least seemingly getting along.  I wonder if he has any idea of how I really feel.  I don't want to tell him.  I don't know that it would do any good or what outcome I would be looking for.  And telling him how I feel would be inviting a very explosive fight as well as making me seem too vulnerable.  I don't want to be that close to him in any way, even if it's asking for help.  I hate being ignored.  I also people feeling sorry for me.  It feels pointless to tell him.  I still have my music.  Talking about how hard life is doesn't make life any easier.  I just have to be strong.  This is hard.  I feel strong and about to break at the same time.  And I know this is only the beginning.

Everything in the world is as it should be at the end of the day.

There's no use in mourning what could have been.  Instead see the good in what is.

I really am excited about this new journey of my life.  I just am very afraid and hurt at the same time.  And this is the first time I can't say how I feel without feeling like I am not being who I should be for my daughter. 

It's the first time it isn't about me.  And that's an unnerving feeling.

I want to pour all of the love and hurt and heartache and feelings into my baby girl and just hold her right now.  She really did know what she was doing, I think, by coming into my life.  

"You knew all along that I needed you just as much as you needed me."