Letting Myself Think and Feel on Paper

To be completely honest, this may be the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with.

I sit here and feel my baby kicking in my stomach.  I feel a great amount of love towards her.  I also feel a slight sense of entrapment and my dreams dying with every kick.  At the same time, I am scrolling through social media and see pictures of her dad--drunk, enjoying life with our old mutual friends who I never see anymore, playing music, getting to travel, having friends, having energy, etc., and it makes me so angry.  Jealous.  Bitter.  Because I know that this is only the start of it.  Something that was both of our faults, now I alone get to deal with for the rest of my life.  And it is not my responsibility because "that is what is fair."  It is my responsibility because he is not being responsible.  It is my responsibility because he deserted me in my time of need.  It is my responsibility because he deserted us.  It is my responsibility because he doesn't want to be a father, but didn't have enough maturity or concern with my feelings to keep that from happening, even when I mentioned multiple times that we should be more careful.  But he will post pictures of this baby and claim her as his own. He will show her off like his trophy daughter.  And I will become the "nagging baby mama" who takes all of the fun out of everything because I am bitter.

I don't want to be bitter.

I do feel, however, that none of my dreams and aspirations with music, friends, or travel (all of the things that have made me happy in the past) would have had to have gone away had he just done what a good man would do and help me 50/50 for something that was 50/50 our fault.

It makes me angry.

On top of all of the future changes that will occur, another thing that is upsetting to me is the fact that he is not the man that I thought he was over the past two years.  I saw the potential in him--I saw the best, I encouraged him, I began to believe he was great.  And now, I don't see those things anymore.  I have caught him in more lies than I can count.  I have seen him verbally assault me and my baby.  I have seen him beg me to abort my baby and say that it was selfish of me to keep her and ruin his life.  I remained strong.  I have seen hate in his eyes at my decision, as well as a look of general apathy and lack of love and encouragement following that decision.  I had seen the opposite in his eyes toward me semi-consistently for two years previously--a look of admiration, love, and one of a slight sense of respect--a sudden change that occurred after my decision to keep the wonderful human that we created.  I have seen him tell me a few of his unrestrained feelings regarding the situation, but never asking me mine.  I have seen him try to manipulate me and put me in a box so that he can control me. Part of me is very bothered by the fact that a person can make you believe they are a certain way for so long, and then change completely into someone you scarcely recognize.  How, then, can you ever know if a love is true and forever?  Another part of me, however, believes that he did have that potential--he can be great.  He's just scared to be great; he drinks and smokes because he doesn't want to think about love or leaving people he cares about or really caring about people at all.  A part of me still believes he might come around--if not for me, for our daughter.  And that hurts my heart to feel that way because I think that means I still love him in some way.  What that love means or is, I do not know.  But that means I am not in control; it means that he still has control over me.  It means that I am still waiting on some ideal response.  I hate that.

I made a decision for the good of my baby, and am facing the hardest time of my life.  I don't view these hard times as a result of me keeping her.  I don't regret keeping her.  I regret falling in love with him.  I regret giving him a part of my heart.  I wish he were out of my life all together.  I would love to block him from all forms of social media--he and his friends so that I never have to hear about or see him again--that would be ideal.  It would be doable.  Except I now have to have him in my life for the rest of my life.  I don't have the option to cut him out of my life, because I have now made a father out of him.  And I can't pass my hatred of him on to my daughter--I refuse to do that.  So I just have to suck it all up and try to be nice and civil--wish him "Happy Father's Day," "happy birthday," "congrats!" to new jobs, etc.,--when under a different situation, I wouldn't think he is worthy of my friendship or my time.

I love my daughter already.  She is the first thing I think about when I wake up, and I am excited to wake up, which is important I think.  I just don't feel like myself right now.  I feel like I have too many emotions in my head to organize them.  And at the end of the day, those emotions don't really matter anymore.  I see myself fading.  I see myself not wanting to feel anything at all.  I feel like I am in a constant state of zoning out.  I am an auto-pilot machine that is not very well taken care of but functioning at a basic level--rusty appearance, primal capabilities, but getting the obvious work that needs to be done completed.  I am keeping up appearances.  I have no idea what I am thinking or what kind of person I am right now.

But I think I am a good person.  I think I will be a good mom.  I hope.  It's all I have.

Another thing that I am struggling with is the idea that I am writing this as some form of explanation of why I am bitter, as if I have to argue my side of the story.  Why?  Winning the argument doesn't prove anything.  Winning isn't going to make things better, make me a better mom or person, or give me peace.  At the end of the day, things are what they are right now.  And they won't always be this way, for the better or worse.  I am trying to be thankful that he is a part of my life in some small form right now.  I am trying to be thankful that we are at least seemingly getting along.  I wonder if he has any idea of how I really feel.  I don't want to tell him.  I don't know that it would do any good or what outcome I would be looking for.  And telling him how I feel would be inviting a very explosive fight as well as making me seem too vulnerable.  I don't want to be that close to him in any way, even if it's asking for help.  I hate being ignored.  I also people feeling sorry for me.  It feels pointless to tell him.  I still have my music.  Talking about how hard life is doesn't make life any easier.  I just have to be strong.  This is hard.  I feel strong and about to break at the same time.  And I know this is only the beginning.

Everything in the world is as it should be at the end of the day.

There's no use in mourning what could have been.  Instead see the good in what is.

I really am excited about this new journey of my life.  I just am very afraid and hurt at the same time.  And this is the first time I can't say how I feel without feeling like I am not being who I should be for my daughter. 

It's the first time it isn't about me.  And that's an unnerving feeling.

I want to pour all of the love and hurt and heartache and feelings into my baby girl and just hold her right now.  She really did know what she was doing, I think, by coming into my life.  

"You knew all along that I needed you just as much as you needed me."

A New Generation

I'm going to have a daughter.

Odd to say.  Odd to see.  And all-around perfect at the same time.  It is strange how many different emotions a human can feel at one time.  I feel excited, scared, unworthy, able, too young, lonely, discarded, loved, judged, free.  At the end of the day, they are just emotions, and life goes on as planned (or as the opposite of the plan).  But I think it does help to have an outlet for those emotions.
I view this as a wonderful time to start blogging again.

At the end of the day, I feel a little human inside me playing.  While my dreams and aspirations may change a bit, the change is a beautiful one.  This is a new journey.  I will do my best to be ready and be the best that I can be.