It's a strange thing. I find myself drawn to someone with connection on multiple levels--sense of humor, code of conduct, familiar feeling of moodiness and a withdrawn nature followed by times of social participation, love for music, attention to detail, intuitive and thinking nature, etc. I like him. I like him a lot. Feels easy. Feels comfortable. Feels like I understand him, and he understands me. Feels safe, and yet still exciting. However, I still feel myself holding back. You see, I have a tendency to fall for men who I like more than they like me. I wonder if this is because I am too free with my emotions. I wonder if this is because I want to feel like the relationship is not serious so I pick men incapable of a certain depth of feeling--maybe because I'm afraid of long-term commitment? I wonder if this is because people get bored of me to begin with, and maybe no one can stay interested in me long-term. I have a tendency to go after men that need help. I have a tendency to try to mother and fix situations. I have done this so often in the past that--in this particular situation (and others)--I wonder if I have some sick, weird mama-God complex. Maybe I subconsciously pick someone that I can mother them with their issues and "make them better," viewing them as if they are my project or something. And then on the other hand, I wonder if any reservations I have on an issue in their personality (depression, for example) might actually just my being scared of them having a normal and familiar human issue. Perhaps if I was supportive of them instead of running, I'd be able to view our time as an opportunity to grow closer, and be present with them in their personal struggles, as they do the same for me.
When dealing with a potential partner, what is a "normal issue?" Is it that if they treat you well and make you happy, you overlook all other issues (within reason)? After all, no one is perfect. At what point does an issue become a problem?
Regardless of all of these thoughts, I have an overwhelming desire to love him in the best and most sincere way I can while I have him, even though I don't know how long it will last. I wonder if me thinking that I don't know how long it will last comes because I have an intuition that something isn't right about this, or if it is from a deep-rooted fear in being left, to the point that I can't view any relationship as a possibility to be permanent. There is no answer for this maybe?
I am also quite aware of the intensity with which I love and feel things. If I want him, maybe I need to hold back... If not for the sake of the relationship, possibly for the sake of my own well-being.
Rarely does any amount of returned affection ever feel enough to me. Until it's too much. Sometimes I wonder if I even know how to feel comfortable or how to not feel like someone is on the edge of leaving me. I am constantly trying to prove myself--balance on some imaginary line between too much and not enough, interesting but not weird, eating enough to be healthy and starving myself enough to be physically happy with myself (and feel that other people will like me as well).
And it's funny-- I think I have very high self-esteem when it comes to my ability to be a good partner, etc, despite how all of the above would appear. I guess I just don't have much trust in other people following through, and in the goodness of another human.
Prove me wrong, please.
