Angry again
Wanting someone to come back for us but hating them for leaving in the first place. We are the creepers that can't let go. Secretly hoping the other person will find out that we've been true and unyielding the whole time. But we don't want them back. We just want it to be like it once was. The whole "time heals all things" and "just move on" idea is bull shit. We're left forcing ourselves not to think. Really about anything... I'm left cold and alone. Still cold and alone. Heartless. I don't have a heart. Just a hole where one used to beat. And I don't know that I can ever get that back. I want to say love is worth it. But honestly, it's done nothing but hurt me.
Love that we practice. Pain that we make. Fuck it. Love is exasperating. I don't believe in it anymore. Noone can be happy with someone else for life. Why did we always feel like marriage was an assumed stepping stone that all humans reach upon adulthood? This is bogus. Why joke with yourself? You can trust noone but yourself, and sometimes not even that. Life isn't some prince/princess fairytale. It's Grapes of Wrath. It's music. It's God somewhere. It's living the moment to the fullest. Everything else is a risk. Why risk something that you have to depend on someone else for? Noone's perfect. I need nothing but a few close friends and some quiet time to myself. Why fall for something you will never know?
I think I am in a dark place. It feels different than normal. It scares me. And I don't know how to get out.
