Thoughts from Seattle's Moleskin Entry on August 13, 2018

Flying back from a wonderful weekend in Seattle, Washington with Haley massey, Kelsey, and Brad—Josh October was with us a good bit as well.  We camped at Ipsut Creek near Carbon Glacier inside Mount Ranier National Park—a glorious view found after a five mile hike into the woods.  Fourteen miles hiked in two days, and my body is well aware of it.  I have pushed myself, but seemingly had little time to myself to see how I feel, to check in with myself, or to see what I have learned.  You see, I walked/hiked ahead of everyone else, listening to my Summer Solstice playlist while stoned.  I was viewing both the magic in the cozy green moss cuddling the trees and crevices, as well as the way the clouds settled around the taller trees bordering the creek bed and the edge of Mother Mountain.  Mother Mountain was standing tall and steady, immovable and strong--never changing—but able to see everything worth seeing by standing still.

…Lucky girl… 

I feel a little heartbreak, wanting everything at once—the quiet, the get-away, the “I am finally alone”—in contrast to the realization that “this will only last for a day, so take in everything while you can.”  This little group of trees was my favorite.  A bed of moss surrounding them on all sides with the slope leaning towards the river.  I could stay here…  Noticing the difference in writing between the previous two pages and this one.  Can I ever just be wild and free again?

It is an odd kind of heartbreak—the desire for freedom in the midst of the need for responsibility and order.  I would never trade it. 

I wonder if this is how other people feel on vacation.  I am trying to pack as much feeling, experience, and living/regrouping into the weekend as I can so that I can ride that wave for as long as I can.  It feels sad to always be leaving that adventure in another place instead of that being packed in my bag with me.  I write so that I can remember it—not what happened necessarily, but the feelings.  Always chasing a feeling, or rather the things that give me feelings. 

Rock me.  Hold me.  Keep me here with you as long as you can.  I can already hear them calling for me, and I’m not allowed to not answer.

“I’m here.” “I’m here for all of you.”  But I leave my most tender places in the woods- a trail I leave behind me hoping that I can close my eyes and feel my way back, when it is still.

Prove Me Wrong

It's a strange thing.  I find myself drawn to someone with connection on multiple levels--sense of humor, code of conduct, familiar feeling of moodiness and a withdrawn nature followed by times of social participation, love for music, attention to detail, intuitive and thinking nature, etc.  I like him.  I like him a lot.  Feels easy.  Feels comfortable.  Feels like I understand him, and he understands me.  Feels safe, and yet still exciting.  However, I still feel myself holding back.  You see, I have a tendency to fall for men who I like more than they like me.  I wonder if this is because I am too free with my emotions.  I wonder if this is because I want to feel like the relationship is not serious so I pick men incapable of a certain depth of feeling--maybe because I'm afraid of long-term commitment?  I wonder if this is because people get bored of me to begin with, and maybe no one can stay interested in me long-term.  I have a tendency to go after men that need help.  I have a tendency to try to mother and fix situations.  I have done this so often in the past that--in this particular situation (and others)--I wonder if I have some sick, weird mama-God complex.  Maybe I subconsciously pick someone that I can mother them with their issues and "make them better," viewing them as if they are my project or something.  And then on the other hand, I wonder if any reservations I have on an issue in their personality (depression, for example) might actually just my being scared of them having a normal and familiar human issue.  Perhaps if I was supportive of them instead of running, I'd be able to view our time as an opportunity to grow closer, and be present with them in their personal struggles, as they do the same for me. 

When dealing with a potential partner, what is a "normal issue?"  Is it that if they treat you well and make you happy, you overlook all other issues (within reason)?  After all, no one is perfect.  At what point does an issue become a problem? 

Regardless of all of these thoughts, I have an overwhelming desire to love him in the best and most sincere way I can while I have him, even though I don't know how long it will last.  I wonder if me thinking that I don't know how long it will last comes because I have an intuition that something isn't right about this, or if it is from a deep-rooted fear in being left, to the point that I can't view any relationship as a possibility to be permanent.  There is no answer for this maybe?

I am also quite aware of the intensity with which I love and feel things.  If I want him, maybe I need to hold back...  If not for the sake of the relationship, possibly for the sake of my own well-being. 

Rarely does any amount of returned affection ever feel enough to me.  Until it's too much.  Sometimes I wonder if I even know how to feel comfortable or how to not feel like someone is on the edge of leaving me. I am constantly trying to prove myself--balance on some imaginary line between too much and not enough, interesting but not weird, eating enough to be healthy and starving myself enough to be physically happy with myself (and feel that other people will like me as well). 

And it's funny-- I think I have very high self-esteem when it comes to my ability to be a good partner, etc, despite how all of the above would appear.  I guess I just don't have much trust in other people following through, and in the goodness of another human. 

Prove me wrong, please.

Upcoming Record Thoughts

It's the time when I should feel most excited about my art; I am only two weeks away from recording my album--something I've wanted to do for my WHOLE life.  But two weeks before I record, one of my band member's as well as someone I had considered one of my closest friends at one point has quit the band (over a reason that sounds so ridiculous and trivial that I'm sure that can't be the actual reason) after months of being very distant with me and talking behind my back.  It feels more like a slap in the face to our friendship than just a band-mate quitting.  I told him we are good.  And to a certain extent, we are.  I can be nice when I see him in public.  But my mind keeps coming back to how do you know if a friend is for real?  Or if they are just friends with you because it's convenient at the time?  The things I value most in a friendship are loyalty, honesty, and a genuine kindness; no amount of "but they are so much fun" can make up for those two values being absent.  I guess that's how you know who will be a good friend to you or a good person to be in your life at all--their values and how they treat other people.  Makes me want to treat people better as well, to be a better friend;  I guess that's what I can take away from all of this.  And to not talk about people, no matter how close the friend I'm talking to is;  if you wouldn't say the thing directly to the person, there's no reason to say it to someone else.

My chest feels tight like I can't breathe. So much build-up, with the looming feeling that soon I won't have much to look forward to.  I am afraid of the future.  I dream of my daughter and I moving elsewhere to a land of promise; I dream my teeth are falling out.  I feel change coming, and I don't know that it is the change I was looking for at all.  But right now is a time to be excited and soon I will have a clean slate.  I suppose that is something to be excited about if I just switch my thinking just a bit.  I need to meditate is what I need to do.

So all of that aside, I am trying to really get myself excited about the record FINALLY being made in two weeks, to think ahead to the art that I want to create for the album, and to first deal with and then put behind me any feelings that aren't beneficial to the goal and theme of the album and the art.  A large task. 

I see purples, blues, and pinks in my music.   I see a particular vintage dress/pattern that does not fit the color scheme, but one I've always wanted to wear and something I could probably work with in Photoshop.  We shall see...  Definitely things to be excited about.  I'm glad that I could write about these things; I feel better just getting it out on something like paper.