I recorded an entire album over the weekend with my band! Hours and hours and hours. 10:00a.m. - 11:30p.m. Six hours of vocals. I am proud of the vocals. I am proud of my instrumentation. I am proud of our project and all of our rehearsals and the time each of us has put into this project. It is very encouraging to have something finished--we will have something physical to show for our hard work. (I can't even IMAGINE the feeling that will occur when I get to record MY project!!!) Anyway, I brought a huge sketch pad, pencils and blenders to the studio in order to draw or sketch during the down-time in recording. And I USED them! I sketched one of my favorite pictures of my daughter in the same way that my dad sketched each one of his children.
I carried on a tradition. I blended several of my passions and loves into one exhausting, semi-stressful, and fully creative weekend.
And then today, I sign on to Instagram and see a post and back-and-forth comments by two of my newer, dearest-up-until-recently-when-we-went-through-a-rough-patch-where-I-was-up-front-about-issues-and-ways-we-could-deal-with-them friends discussing how you shouldn't pursue a friendship with people who don't make you feel loveable. And how if a friendship is not mutually beneficial, you should be done. with. that. shit. And I realize that neither of these people have been texting me or hanging out with me lately.
And I realize that post is probably about me. I realize that maybe they think I am a bad friend.
Which is odd to me, because I think of myself as a very steady person friend-wise. I don't have very many new friends. Most of my friends are very old and dear to me--we don't get to hang out often but we care deeply for each other and always will, and we feel close still whenever we do get to hang out. And we don't hurt each other intentionally. And if we do hurt each other, it's all flowers and notes and "please let me cook you dinner" afterwards and "I'm so sorry. Are we good?"'s.
It is odd to be a part of a friend group who defines and validates themselves via posts and likes and comments on social media as well as cliques. I feel validated by the time that is put into being with me and being spoken up for, being appreciated.
I feel guarded. I feel like I want to delete my social media accounts and hide in my house and see if anyone would ever show up. (I can't do that because I have a show coming up, but still).
Half of me is fine being by myself. I felt productive and happy up until I read that post, at which time I felt feelings of hurt, defensiveness, and guilt. The other half of me really wants friends. Or maybe really I just want a partner. I don't know.
I've always felt like I had a really great community here in my hometown. But I am realizing that I don't really have that many people who really understand me or are here for me when I am not begging for their help. I am realizing that maybe I am both stronger and weaker than I thought I was.
I'll hold a little closer to myself and my baby and relaxation and creativity. None of these things have ever steered me wrong.
Here is an interesting article on repressing emotions/staying busy/reclusing and how they are all connected as a means to deal with feelings you don't know how to deal with.
Whoops! I don't mean to be self-destructive, or to continue down a path that I know is avoiding confrontation of feelings. But at the end of the day, I know that I am happy and feel fulfilled by doing things that make me feel happy and fulfilled, which is creating, pouring out my heart and soul into music, playing with my daughter, and occasionally combining all of these things with a friend. But I don't want to search for validation in time with friends anymore. I am enough. I have always been enough. And I know people care about me, but I will never be happy by looking for happiness in other people.
