A Little More Bare :: A Great Deal More Open

You know.... I wrote a whole book of a blog explaining all of the details of a friendship gone sour, how it made me feel, and how I did everything out of good intention and was still cast to the side when they were done with me--a recurring theme of my life, mind you--an intensely emotional word vomit full of details that made me feel a bit more organized when written down, but not any better.  Funny how I expect talking about something to make me feel better; but most of the time, I just say things that I shouldn't say.  I find that most of the time when I talk about things that I'm going through, my words tend to be a bit more aggressive and condemning than reflective of how I REALLY feel; the words tend to be things I would NOT want someone to use against me and words that I would NOT want someone to know that I said about them. 

So I'll make this short-ish and detail-less-ish.

I had a friend that I held close for almost two years--such a close friendship that it almost felt as if it were some type of relationship stronger than friendship.  We hung out all of the time, texted every day, etc.  She began to become a part of my life on a daily basis and a friend who I could text about anything--she knew everything about my life and my struggles.  She was my first real kindred spirit as a mom, and my first really close girl friend other than the relationships that I had cemented as a solid relationship years ago.  She gained my trust, love, and affection.  But then things changed, and I got fed up with parts of her habits and character, as she had with me as well.  She then started to post vague statuses and posts on social media referencing how someone was "a snake in the wilderness" and how real friendship is supposed to be beneficial to both parties and how she makes time for real friends (all while she was not hanging out with me for the first time in two years).  I could only assume she was talking about me, backed by her acting extremely awkward and distant when we saw each other.  But can I blame her?  I was awkward and distant when I saw her as well.  Time had just changed things, as it tends to do.

I wanted to retort because my feelings were hurt, and I didn't understand what I had done to deserve her trying to get people to side with her on social media.  After all, isn't that what vague statuses are for--to cause drama, receive some one-sided insight into said drama, and get "likes" as approval of one's stance on said drama?  My confusion on this plea for approval was based in that I did not view the "drama" as being based on any real argument, because there was none; there was no huge falling out.  This wasn't a war in my eyes.  But I didn't say anything; (literally still biting my tongue almost completely off about this).

I've tried to just move on and not be bitter towards the "sisterhood" I had found through her or the "mom franz" that I thought I had found.  The thing is, I DID have a sisterhood and mom friends.  And that was really nice while it lasted. 

I feel the bite of being forgotten, but it only stings when I see her being socially free, and me feeling like I'm retreating even further back into my skin.  How can people be so open?  How can they not be jaded?  I suppose it is when they feel uninhibited and as if they have done nothing wrong.  I don't feel as if I have done anything wrong; there are things I would've handled a bit differently looking back, but I feel that my head can be held high as far as treatment of a fellow human and their emotions is concerned. 

Point being that I shouldn't have to wonder what I did wrong and hide in the shadows so that I don't dim her light.  I shouldn't have to walk with my head down or stay at home and hide.  And as far as friendship is concerned, I should not EVER have to beg someone to hang out with me--red flag no. 1.  If you do have to beg someone to hang out with you, one or both of your priorities are probably off.  A friendship is meant to add to your life; it is neither supposed to be your life or be viewed as a burden.  AND CHELSEA :: waiting around for someone that doesn't respect your time or feelings at least ALMOST as much as their own is unnecessary. Recurring theme, as well.

The point of all of this, I suppose, is just to realize that people come in and out of your lives, and
that is okay.  It doesn't really mean that anyone did anything wrong.  It just means that you both are going in different directions, and sometimes trying to meet in the middle is counter-productive.  I don't need someone telling me "you're doing a great job" for me to know that I'm doing a great job.  I am doing a damn great job.

So onto a new road, that is a little more bare, but a great deal more open.

And also.... Hey.  You!  Chelsea!  Listen to some self-care words from a human that wants you to know how wonderful you are as an individual and a human.  You've got the world ahead of you!  Do NOT let someone else make you feel inferior or change the way you view yourself, the promise in your future, or how successfully you can give and show love to someone.  You are more than enough.  You are not a snake.  You are vibrant, glowing, creative, a ball of light--steady and true, burning bright, a force to be reckoned with.  You are a good enough person that people voluntarily and actively become defensive when they realize that they may appear to be in a war with you, before you have even had a chance or felt the need to speak on the issue.  Think of that!  You ought to keep your head high because you are kind and you reflect on and learn from your mistakes, and you have empathy for other people.  All of those things are wonderful, and are valuable and substantial parts of your character.  You are a good person, regardless of how many friends you have.  You have everything you need in you and yours.