It's the time when I should feel most excited about my art; I am only two weeks away from recording my album--something I've wanted to do for my WHOLE life. But two weeks before I record, one of my band member's as well as someone I had considered one of my closest friends at one point has quit the band (over a reason that sounds so ridiculous and trivial that I'm sure that
can't be the
actual reason) after months of being very distant with me and talking behind my back. It feels more like a slap in the face to our friendship than just a band-mate quitting. I told him we are good. And to a certain extent, we are. I can be nice when I see him in public. But my mind keeps coming back to
how do you know if a friend is for real? Or if they are just friends with you because it's convenient at the time? The things I value most in a friendship are loyalty, honesty, and a genuine kindness; no amount of "but they are so much fun" can make up for those two values being absent. I guess
that's how you know who will be a good friend to you or a good person to be in your life at all--their values and how they treat other people. Makes me want to treat people better as well, to be a better friend; I guess that's what I can take away from all of this. And to not talk about people, no matter how close the friend I'm talking to is; if you wouldn't say the thing directly to the person, there's no reason to say it to someone else.
My chest feels tight like I can't breathe. So much build-up, with the looming feeling that soon I won't have much to look forward to. I am afraid of the future. I dream of my daughter and I moving elsewhere to a land of promise; I dream my teeth are falling out. I feel change coming, and I don't know that it is the change I was looking for at all. But right now is a time to be excited and soon I will have a clean slate. I suppose that is something to be excited about if I just switch my thinking just a bit. I need to meditate is what I need to do.
So all of that aside, I am trying to really get myself excited about the record FINALLY being made in two weeks, to think ahead to the art that I want to create for the album, and to first deal with and then put behind me any feelings that aren't beneficial to the goal and theme of the album and the art. A large task.
I see purples, blues, and pinks in my music. I see a particular vintage dress/pattern that does not fit the color scheme, but one I've always wanted to wear and something I could probably work with in Photoshop. We shall see... Definitely things to be excited about. I'm glad that I could write about these things; I feel better just getting it out on something like paper.
