Medicine and Art

Well it happened.  I took the reigns on my mental health and stopped running from my problems--hiding, and trying to make the best of a broken situation.

I feel like a better mom.  I feel more in control of my emotions and thoughts.  It's true--I don't feel things quite as intensely, but it's mostly a good thing--I can't really think of a downside to it.  I don't get as angry.  I don't get as down.  I get just as up!  I get more productive.  I get less sleepy.  I feel like myself for the first time in years honestly.  Free as a bird.  Makes me want to cry how good I feel and how long I forgot that feeling so light-weight and free was possible.  I refuse to think of the past two years as wasted time.  I just want to pick myself up and start moving.

I have a show booked that will be a fundraiser for my album.  It will be my first full-band live show of my music in over 3 years (right after I found out I was pregnant with Evie), and only the third show ever for me to play my music full-band.  I am nervous.  But I feel courageous.  I want to stare the fear down, and put on the best, most free, most confident, and most unabashed show of my life.

Evie and I are buddies.  She helped me make pancakes this weekend.  She loves hugs.  When I wake her up every morning and lay her down on her changing table to change her, she grabs my shirt and pulls me in for a hug.  She holds me, and I hold her little body for a while.  When I pull away to change her again, she pulls me back in for more hugs, like she never wants to let me go.  It's our sweet little time together.  I would wake up early every day of my life for moments like these.  I love her so much.  When we're watching Sesame Street, she always gets off the couch to dance on the rug to the opening song (and any song that tells her to "dance!" or "stomp!").  She always looks back at me and says, "Mama, dance!  Rug!"  And I come and dance with her. :)  I really enjoy my time with that I get with her.  I am so lucky to have her.

I am working on art.  I am putting together a wedding suite for my best friend, Sarah, and have made multiple Christmas presents out of my art.  I am having fun with it, and have learned so much about Illustrator.  Typically, it doesn't ever seem like I'm learning or growing much; but when you look back, you realize all of the progress you have made, and how it didn't even feel like work at all. (Hardly).  It's a good feeling to invest in the things that make you happy!

I have so much inspiration in my head and on my media sources--so many things to draw.  So many things to paint.  So many things to create.  Sometimes it is scary to sit down and actually start on a project, because there are SO many things that I want to do--it is overwhelming, and I want to make great things!  How do I decide what to do first?  I want to play with gouache-- I love the look.  I want to play with oils.  I need to finish some paintings that have sat around unfinished.  I want to start on new ideas!  Really, I just need to start doing it instead of talking about it.  I know I can do it.  I feel it in my bones that it's wanting to come out.  It's some type of creative re-birth happening right now.  It may sound dramatic, but ever since I found out I was going to be a mother, it's as if something was put on hold--not turned off--but put on hold.  And now, I am ready and WANTING to put that creative energy into MAKING what I want to see.  The mind is too beautiful a place to keep to oneself.

A Little More Bare :: A Great Deal More Open

You know.... I wrote a whole book of a blog explaining all of the details of a friendship gone sour, how it made me feel, and how I did everything out of good intention and was still cast to the side when they were done with me--a recurring theme of my life, mind you--an intensely emotional word vomit full of details that made me feel a bit more organized when written down, but not any better.  Funny how I expect talking about something to make me feel better; but most of the time, I just say things that I shouldn't say.  I find that most of the time when I talk about things that I'm going through, my words tend to be a bit more aggressive and condemning than reflective of how I REALLY feel; the words tend to be things I would NOT want someone to use against me and words that I would NOT want someone to know that I said about them. 

So I'll make this short-ish and detail-less-ish.

I had a friend that I held close for almost two years--such a close friendship that it almost felt as if it were some type of relationship stronger than friendship.  We hung out all of the time, texted every day, etc.  She began to become a part of my life on a daily basis and a friend who I could text about anything--she knew everything about my life and my struggles.  She was my first real kindred spirit as a mom, and my first really close girl friend other than the relationships that I had cemented as a solid relationship years ago.  She gained my trust, love, and affection.  But then things changed, and I got fed up with parts of her habits and character, as she had with me as well.  She then started to post vague statuses and posts on social media referencing how someone was "a snake in the wilderness" and how real friendship is supposed to be beneficial to both parties and how she makes time for real friends (all while she was not hanging out with me for the first time in two years).  I could only assume she was talking about me, backed by her acting extremely awkward and distant when we saw each other.  But can I blame her?  I was awkward and distant when I saw her as well.  Time had just changed things, as it tends to do.

I wanted to retort because my feelings were hurt, and I didn't understand what I had done to deserve her trying to get people to side with her on social media.  After all, isn't that what vague statuses are for--to cause drama, receive some one-sided insight into said drama, and get "likes" as approval of one's stance on said drama?  My confusion on this plea for approval was based in that I did not view the "drama" as being based on any real argument, because there was none; there was no huge falling out.  This wasn't a war in my eyes.  But I didn't say anything; (literally still biting my tongue almost completely off about this).

I've tried to just move on and not be bitter towards the "sisterhood" I had found through her or the "mom franz" that I thought I had found.  The thing is, I DID have a sisterhood and mom friends.  And that was really nice while it lasted. 

I feel the bite of being forgotten, but it only stings when I see her being socially free, and me feeling like I'm retreating even further back into my skin.  How can people be so open?  How can they not be jaded?  I suppose it is when they feel uninhibited and as if they have done nothing wrong.  I don't feel as if I have done anything wrong; there are things I would've handled a bit differently looking back, but I feel that my head can be held high as far as treatment of a fellow human and their emotions is concerned. 

Point being that I shouldn't have to wonder what I did wrong and hide in the shadows so that I don't dim her light.  I shouldn't have to walk with my head down or stay at home and hide.  And as far as friendship is concerned, I should not EVER have to beg someone to hang out with me--red flag no. 1.  If you do have to beg someone to hang out with you, one or both of your priorities are probably off.  A friendship is meant to add to your life; it is neither supposed to be your life or be viewed as a burden.  AND CHELSEA :: waiting around for someone that doesn't respect your time or feelings at least ALMOST as much as their own is unnecessary. Recurring theme, as well.

The point of all of this, I suppose, is just to realize that people come in and out of your lives, and
that is okay.  It doesn't really mean that anyone did anything wrong.  It just means that you both are going in different directions, and sometimes trying to meet in the middle is counter-productive.  I don't need someone telling me "you're doing a great job" for me to know that I'm doing a great job.  I am doing a damn great job.

So onto a new road, that is a little more bare, but a great deal more open.

And also.... Hey.  You!  Chelsea!  Listen to some self-care words from a human that wants you to know how wonderful you are as an individual and a human.  You've got the world ahead of you!  Do NOT let someone else make you feel inferior or change the way you view yourself, the promise in your future, or how successfully you can give and show love to someone.  You are more than enough.  You are not a snake.  You are vibrant, glowing, creative, a ball of light--steady and true, burning bright, a force to be reckoned with.  You are a good enough person that people voluntarily and actively become defensive when they realize that they may appear to be in a war with you, before you have even had a chance or felt the need to speak on the issue.  Think of that!  You ought to keep your head high because you are kind and you reflect on and learn from your mistakes, and you have empathy for other people.  All of those things are wonderful, and are valuable and substantial parts of your character.  You are a good person, regardless of how many friends you have.  You have everything you need in you and yours.

Letters in Rememberance and Final Wishes

 

I'm overflowing with inspiration and not quite enough successful use of my time to get it out.  Palettes.  Color palettes.  More color palettes.  Let me bring my camera and take a picture of every beautiful palette I've ever seen.  Let me recreate art with THESE beautiful colors!  I've got to change some things in order to let these inspirations thrive.  Cell phones are for daytime.  Daughter time, painting, songwriting, and reading are for nighttime.  No more texting or checking my phone at night time--it doesn't produce anything creative really.  It just distracts from the now and the things I could be creating. 

I leave for Seattle in two days for a vacation.  Sometimes I wonder if I'll end up in Seattle or Portland indefinitely; but for now, I am in Shreveport.  And Shreveport is where I need to be happy and present for now.  I can't wait to see mountains and fresh, cool air.  I already feel like the air here smells different and feels cooler, just thinking about being elsewhere--being there.

I wrote a letter to my daughter, in case the plane were to crash.  (Melancholy--apologies.  Let me rephrase).  I wrote a letter to my daughter so that some day I can read the letter to her--thoughts from a past experience and a younger her and I.  I started crying while I wrote the letter, overcome with such love that I never knew was possible.  I think about her little face and precious little cheeks and chin, and I just want to hold her and love her while I have her so tiny and fully mine.  She will always be this special to me.  But there really is something about her full trust of me and getting to explain what the sky is or the moon is--this time with her really is magical.  I could spend every day with her for the rest of my life and be happy.  I hate that she has to grow up.  I hope that she never leaves me, but I know that is selfish to think.  I hope that she lets me come with her, really.  I hope she lets me come with her when she is a strong, powerful woman who knows what she wants.  I hope she still wants me.  I love you, honey.

Very difficult just thinking about not being with her for a few days. 

(Some day, I'd like to get this all printed in book format--pictures and all.  Even the silly posts or the difficult-to-read posts.  I'd like to get a copy printed for Evelyn.  I'd like her to know everything).

Happiness

I was raised with the viewpoint that no one "deserves to be happy."  That being happy is not the end goal.  That loving God and talking about Him is the only thing that matters at the end of the day; so don't chase happiness--it is a futile chase.

I am very happy, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

The Girl who Cannot Be Told What She Can and Cannot Have

I will be traveling next week to Seattle, Washington.  I will be staying with a dear friend, Kelsey McClure, with whom I spent many of my most pivotal years of adulthood with.  This is a friend with whom we shared our first house away from a parental unit.  This is a friend with whom I had to discuss how to mark my groceries, in order to be most clear to have marked my territory so as to not find my food raided on a day when I might need it most.  She hated that I marked my groceries, as she said that "she would not be told what she can and cannot eat."  I was confused by this, as I had very little money to buy groceries, and oftentimes would find my food missing.  Somehow, despite the turbulence in these conversations, we both made it through this time without either of us going hungry or without money.  As it turned out, marking one's groceries ended up being an unsuspectingly minute part of adulthood.

She moved to New Orleans, Louisiana in the wintertime.  By the time February had arrived, I needed a place to escape to-- I felt that I was in a manipulative relationship that allowed me no haven and no safe friends to discuss my troubles with.  Most of them knew that I was in a manipulative relationship and had no pity left for me as to why I could not pull myself out of it.  I didn't have the strength to say no.  So Kelsey and my friend JJ, both living in New Orleans, offered me a way to take the choice away from myself, to submerge myself into the unknown, and to gain some independence and respect for myself.  So I up and moved to New Orleans.  I don't know that it was following her, as much as it was seeing her bloom in a place that she did not feel tied down by.  The idea of an unshackled place to call home has always been appealing to me. 

Sometimes I wonder if I will follow her to the West, where she has found the love of her life and a place to be happy, to create, to fall in love, and to explore.  My heart flutters thinking of these things being possible for me.  For my life.  In a way, she has always lived the life I wanted.  And she has always been happy doing so, "not being told what she can and cannot have."  Maybe that's my problem-- maybe I need to view that mindset as an opportunity instead of something threatening my livelihood.  Maybe I just need to be set free.

I want to be free.

I will be getting a tattoo while I am in Seattle-- a slingshot shooting out flowers as a commemoration to the woman I have become-- a tomboy who is a bit guarded and keeps a means of protection close to her, but leaves a trail of flowers in her path.  A spray of positivity.  It is something that I have wanted tattooed on me for a while, but something to which I have been scared to commit.  Maybe it's cheesy.  Maybe I'll hate it next year.  Maybe I won't.  Maybe I just want to inspire myself to be the person I want to be, and that I know I can be.  Maybe being strong is not as scary as I think.

Also, I have read Just Kids, a book by Patti Smith, and have fallen in love with her and Robert Mapplethorpe's friendship and closeness, as well as Mapplethorpe's art and genuine nature and Patti Smith's writing.  In fact, I have found quite a bit of enjoyment out of reading her work.  Reading in general has become a great means of focus for me--of imagination and diving into someone else's world.  It has become less laborious to me than writing, but almost just as much of a release of stress and anxiety.  Almost.  I really love it and have just ordered four more books to read, and plan on reading more of Patti's work in M. Train and The Coral Sea.  I will also be seeing one of Mapplethorpe's portraits in a museum off of the beaten path in Seattle.  I will have to take an hour train to get there just to see one piece of his art and to feel a part of his world, and it will be absolutely worth it.  I am obsessed. 

I will be traveling alone, looking at museums, eating vegan food, and purchasing little trinkets of magic to bring back home--a little piece of my journey to keep (me) alive. I will bring my journal and sketchbook on this trip with me in order to allow my inspiration to have a means in which to unfold.

Counting down days.

Breathe ::: Parenting a Toddler

There is a lot going on in the world right now.  Believe it or not, the KKK and Neo-Nazi's have arisen from the ashes in order to fight for their "rights to free speech," etc., and I can't help but feel a panging ache in my chest about bringing my daughter up in the South in a time such as this.  I want her to be in a place away from this kind of pain and fear for your life if you stand with your brethren, standing up for what you believe to be right.  Sometimes I'd like to just go out in the woods of a different state and just not come back out.  Sometimes I'd like to just disappear.  And then I think about social strengths and weaknesses for her and how it is GOOD for her to interact and to feel strong feelings towards things and other people, even if that feeling is a feeling of "I do not understand you" and "I disagree with you."  I just dislike that there has to be so much unnecessary hate in this world; the fact that I have to explain that to her some day is heartbreaking.



On top of all of this, I am experiencing some real difficulty in raising a toddler.  It is very difficult for me to not lose my temper.  I feel like I need order in my house in order to keep my anxiety at bay.  I guess "anxiety" is what we're calling it--the need to have alone time, the need for peace and quiet, and the immediate sense of "fight or flight" when I feel that this is taken away. My daughter is in a part of her childhood where she needs to be with me a great deal; when she cannot have my full attention, she becomes very upset and hits or screams or throws things.  When she acts this way, I become frustrated.  I am frustrated because I feel like most parents would be able to have their partner help at this time, and I don't have that luxury.  I become frustrated because after a long day of work, the last thing I want to hear is a screaming child while I continue to work (or cook) in order to feed us.  I become frustrated because after a long day of dealing with people non-stop, I would just like to relax and cuddle instead of trying to talk more to a little person who doesn't understand me.  But the problem here is that all of these frustrations are about the way I feel.  She is frustrated because of how she feels, and I just keep the cycle going.  Wouldn't it be nice if I were able to recognize this moment as a time to teach and bond instead of power through an unpleasant situation, turning off my ears and my emotions to attempt to accomplish absolute zombie/autopilot state in order to retreat into the part of my mind that can shut off all outside forces. 

She just needs me to be present!  She's begging me to be present with her--she's had a long day too, and she just wants to feel understood and loved.

I can do better.  I've got to do better.

I love this little girl to death, and I want her to know that feelings are FINE to have!  It's the way we deal with them that makes the difference.

Easy Come, Easy Go. Will You Let Me Go Home?

I recorded an entire album over the weekend with my band!  Hours and hours and hours.  10:00a.m. - 11:30p.m.  Six hours of vocals.  I am proud of the vocals.  I am proud of my instrumentation.  I am proud of our project and all of our rehearsals and the time each of us has put into this project.  It is very encouraging to have something finished--we will have something physical to show for our hard work.  (I can't even IMAGINE the feeling that will occur when I get to record MY project!!!)  Anyway, I brought a huge sketch pad, pencils and blenders to the studio in order to draw or sketch during the down-time in recording.  And I USED them!  I sketched one of my favorite pictures of my daughter in the same way that my dad sketched each one of his children.

 

I carried on a tradition.  I blended several of my passions and loves into one exhausting, semi-stressful, and fully creative weekend.

And then today, I sign on to Instagram and see a post and back-and-forth comments by two of my newer, dearest-up-until-recently-when-we-went-through-a-rough-patch-where-I-was-up-front-about-issues-and-ways-we-could-deal-with-them friends discussing how you shouldn't pursue a friendship with people who don't make you feel loveable.  And how if a friendship is not mutually beneficial, you should be done. with. that. shit.   And I realize that neither of these people have been texting me or hanging out with me lately. 

And I realize that post is probably about me.  I realize that maybe they think I am a bad friend.

Which is odd to me, because I think of myself as a very steady person friend-wise.  I don't have very many new friends.  Most of my friends are very old and dear to me--we don't get to hang out often but we care deeply for each other and always will, and we feel close still whenever we do get to hang out.  And we don't hurt each other intentionally.  And if we do hurt each other, it's all flowers and notes and "please let me cook you dinner" afterwards and "I'm so sorry.  Are we good?"'s.

It is odd to be a part of a friend group who defines and validates themselves via posts and likes and comments on social media as well as cliques.  I feel validated by the time that is put into being with me and being spoken up for, being appreciated. 

I feel guarded.  I feel like I want to delete my social media accounts and hide in my house and see if anyone would ever show up.  (I can't do that because I have a show coming up, but still). 

Half of me is fine being by myself.  I felt productive and happy up until I read that post, at which time I felt feelings of hurt, defensiveness, and guilt.  The other half of me really wants friends.  Or maybe really I just want a partner.  I don't know. 

I've always felt like I had a really great community here in my hometown.  But I am realizing that I don't really have that many people who really understand me or are here for me when I am not begging for their help.  I am realizing that maybe I am both stronger and weaker than I thought I was.

I'll hold a little closer to myself and my baby and relaxation and creativity.  None of these things have ever steered me wrong. 

Here is an interesting article on repressing emotions/staying busy/reclusing and how they are all connected as a means to deal with feelings you don't know how to deal with.

Whoops!  I don't mean to be self-destructive, or to continue down a path that I know is avoiding confrontation of feelings.  But at the end of the day, I know that I am happy and feel fulfilled by doing things that make me feel happy and fulfilled, which is creating, pouring out my heart and soul into music, playing with my daughter, and occasionally combining all of these things with a friend.  But I don't want to search for validation in time with friends anymore.  I am enough.  I have always been enough.  And I know people care about me, but I will never be happy by looking for happiness in other people.

Encouragement for Creative Moms

You know. It's easy to be tired.  It's easy to go to bed early and not do the things that you think you want to do.  It's easy to find inspiration during the day and then say you will work on that inspiration tomorrow.

 

I feel like I'm losing momentum on art and music.  I feel like I'm getting comfortable again instead of pushing myself.  That is a feeling that I absolutely despise.  But when it is nine o'clock at night and I know I have to be up at 6:30 the following morning, it is easy to think that I should get my rest and that I will have more energy tomorrow.  But this is never true.  Momma is tired.  Momma will always be tired.  For now, anyway.

 

::CONFESSION:: I have a tendency to get really excited about things and then lose momentum and stop doing the things I was excited about.  Jumping the gun, then jumping ship.  This is what I consider to be one of my biggest closet weaknesses that I try to hide, and absolutely one of my biggest insecurities.  No one wants to be the girl that spends thousands on workout gear and then decides she'd rather stay in bed.  No one admires that girl.  No one even admires the girl that sells all of that workout gear when she realizes she's just a lazy fuck.  I'm having a really hard time not seeing myself as that right now.  I can feel the familiar "giving up" feeling, the embarrassment of that dejection starting to take hold.

 

But I admire the girl who may be slow, but stays the course.  Just because I've been slow or have been tired is not a reason to give up on the things I know I love and the things that I know I want to do.  I'm intimidated by how little I have done and how good other people are.  The amount of practice they have had is comparable to their talent and I...  Well I have chosen an early bed time and easy lunch breaks over practice.  Also, sometimes I feel like I want to do too many things for me to focus on any one single thing.  The confusion of prioritizing gets dizzying.

 

So today, on my lunch break, I am going to start on a little drawing.  I am going to start using my time a little better.  I can take my time becoming great.  But I've also got to use my time correctly in order to become great.  Sleep is overrated.  We'll all be dead soon enough.

 

Life is for living.  Life is for growing.  Life is for enjoying and not beating yourself up about things that are really quite silly.  If you want to travel, then travel!  If you want to art, then art!  If you want to music, then music!  Naps are for when you can't go on anymore.  Coffee is for the other times, if you want to continue to provide for your family AND enjoy creative, rejuvenating outlets.  In a perfect world, I could enjoy naps daily.  But this isn't a perfect world, and so I must create my own perfection.  Life is not for sleeping away feelings and fears.

 

So get those self-depreciating, self-debilitating thoughts away from you!  You've kept a blog for almost ten years--slow but continual.  You are not a notorious quitter.  Those thoughts and ideas you have of yourself are your insecurities speaking to you.  You are full of solo travel and confidence and vulnerability and adventure.  You are full of musical talents, intelligence and ideas--future and past, and most definitely present as well.  You are full of curiosity and raw, hidden talent, and PASSION in art and graphics!  You are full of potential and you are full of creative energy!  And you are also a single mom with a full-time job as well as a second job, and you are figuring out ways to balance everything.  I hate even having to separate those last two sentences, because it makes the second sentence sound like an excuse or an apology--it is not.  The separation of the two sentences is merely to avoid causing a run-on sentence.  The fact that I have to explain the separation ought demonstrate both my active membership in the Grammar Sticklers Association and my passion for empowering moms to CREATE BECAUSE YOUR CHILDREN ARE NOT CRUTCHES.  THEY ARE A PART OF YOUR BEAUTIFUL LIFE AND YOU ARE STILL A BEAUTIFUL, CREATIVE INDIVDUAL WHO IS FULL OF POTENTIAL OUTSIDE OF YOUR MOMDOM!!! *breathing in and out, slowly and deeply*  I hope you feel enlightened.  Be patient with yourself.  You are already admirable, and you don't have to prove anything to anyone.  But do things for yourself, girl!  You a cool ass chick!

 

(Is it sad that my pep talks have to be in third person?  That I have to pretend I am looking at myself through someone else's eyes in order to offer the correct amount of encouragement and love?  That is a conversation for another day.)

 

For now, use your time to be you.  Use your time to create.  Use your time to become the person you want to be and the mother that you want to be.  They don't have to be mutually exclusive.  In fact, the harmony of the two sounds pretty damn beautiful.  You're doing great.

Single Mama Starts a Business

I started my L.L.C. today.  I started my own business.  My own invitation and graphic design company.  I have completed one Save the Date suite and have two more invitation suites on the books.  I have a website in the works with my art listed.  I'm doing the damn thing.

And then I have doubts.  I painted something for my band's show flier and I keep looking at it and thinking that maybe people feel sorry for me.  Like maybe people are thinking, "She's not very good."  Or "Did Chelsea do that?" in a bad way.  Or "I wonder how long it will take her to realize she sucks.  I feel sorry for her."  I wonder if people will not come to band's show because they don't want to support something associated with my failed art.  I realize that I am overthinking all of this.

But when it comes down to it, I've never really had anyone tell me they like my art.  I am not confident.  I don't know what I'm doing most of the time.  And there isn't really anyone saying, "If you don't pursue your art, you're crazy!"  In fact, it would be much more comfortable and convenient for me to keep working my day job that I hate and making stable income.

But I also have these daydreams of making art that appeals to me.  And maybe it appeals to other people.  And maybe it encourages other people.  And maybe even I can become a successful single mother based on my ideas and my jumping into the unknown business world with courage, drive, vulnerability, and guts.  And maybe I can learn some things along the way and provide a stable life for myself and my daughter by doing something that I never even considered myself worthy of doing.  Maybe she will see her mom as an artist and a creative.

I want to paint abstract paintings.  I want to paint detailed oil portraits. 

I want to get better.  I want to do exactly what I want, and be the stronger for it.

Something I Should Probably Talk About

It's confusing how often a man has asked me if I'm still "in love with him" or "not over him."  I fell in love with what I saw in the man.  But the more I realize that that was a facade, the easier it is for me to "get over him."  I would never ever date him again after learning who he has proved himself to be in the past several years. 

So what is this feeling that I have of sadness--like I'm trying to hold and comfort myself in the wake of this break up, even though I feel no sense of regret of my decision to not be with the person?  This is not the first time this has happened to me.

It is a protective mechanism.

The thing that I have seen over and over again in my relationships is this overall performance from my lover, saying "I love you!  You're my best friend!  You make my heart soft!" followed by actions that go completely against that.  Anytime I have been upset after a breakup, I either starve or gorge myself, stay in all day, don't want to see anyone, and overthink everything about the relationship and the breakup, trying to find some kind of peace in myself and my decisions.  I'm not trying to hurt the person that I said I loved--I'm typically just trying to either take care of myself... or self-harm to make me feel in control of something in my life, while I am thinking constantly of them and upset.

But my counterparts don't do this.  It appears that the minute that they break up, they move on mentally, emotionally, and physically. 

I don't understand the disconnect.

I understand a disconnect if the counterpart is not actually in love--maybe I was just a way to satisfy sexual desires or was someone to hang out with when they were lonely.  But in my experience, I have felt that I offer more than sex and hang outs with these people who have responded with sexual "freeness" after a breakup.  In my experience, I have felt that these relationships were loving partnerships, where both partners loved and felt loved in return.  So the immediate disconnect is not something that I can readily understand. 

However, I do realize that people deal with grief in different ways.  Maybe their version of "self-harm" or "starving themselves" is embodied by a taking control of the reigns--fucking everything in their path to prove to them that at the end of the day, they are still in control of themselves.  For me, my body is my control--I can waste away and feel proud if it's my doing, even though I know it's not healthy--it makes me feel good about myself.

For them, maybe their body is their control--they can fuck beautiful, average, or even unattractive women and feel proud if it's their doing--it makes them feel good about themselves to be wanted and to be in control.  It's not about knowing it's hurtful to their partner--they're most likely trying not to think of their partner in the first place.  It's a state of denial of real and true, mournful feelings perhaps.

But it makes me feel as if they didn't love me at all.  Ever.  It makes me feel as if all of the relationship was a lie--that they just needed sex that they didn't have to actively pursue every night.  Or rather that if they couldn't find anyone else to have sex with or to make them feel desired, they know you'd be waiting at home.  An average Plan B.

The thing is that I could let myself feel bad about this or think of reasons I shouldn't trust or things I did to cause this.  But realistically I have only ever had control of my own actions, and I'm quite pleased with how I handle myself usually.

So these dudes who screw me over or "selfishly" move on immediately--they are most likely not dealing with their feelings in the same way that I am.  And I don't have to feel as if "I don't get laid as often, so I'm going to be upset about this and feel sorry for myself."  I could get laid any day of the week if that was the goal, but I know that would be a vicious cycle of me not dealing with my emotions (at this time anyway; maybe one day I'll be sexually "free").  So I'll let them fuck up their own lives with meaningless sex that will cause them to continue to not be able to give themselves fully to their relationships.  And I will practice my main goal, which is to be strong and healthy, mentally and emotionally (and hopefully physically if I exercise.) ;)

I feel strong. 
I feel like a better me for being strong. 
I am free.
And I am enough.

Words of Encouragement to Myself

Words of encouragement to myself:

You are enough.

Don't beat yourself up about the things you would've done differently if you could redo them.  Learn from them and move on.

Don't beat other people up about the things they could've done differently if they could redo them.

I have complete control over whether someone can hurt me or not.  Center yourself.  You are in control.

No one owes me anything, and I owe no one else anything.

Don't ever depend on someone so much that you feel they owe you their ear, their time, or their help.

You are enough.  By yourself, you are enough.

In Control

I am feeling so withdrawn lately, so spent.  I want a day of rest.  I want an hour to lay down and look upwards and zone out without having to set an alarm clock or count down for how much time I actually have to try to not think about things.

I am tired of "being there" for people whenever they need me for however long they want to stay.

I am tired of giving hugs when I don't want to give hugs, and having to physically put myself into the arms of a person I may or most often may not want to feel a physical connection with.  It is nauseating.

I am tired of trying to keep up appearances or say the right thing.

I am tired of feeling guilt when I say the wrong thing or something that sounds bad.

I am tired of having to apologize to even my friends for taking time to myself.

I can't be there for you anymore.

Must be here for me.

Must take time for me.

Must make time to breathe for me.

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Take a bath.

Breathe.

Enter your quiet realm.

These nervous and anxious feelings have no hold of me. 

They are just feelings.

I cannot control my feelings, but I can control how I respond to them, and what feelings I allow to not overwhelm me.

Shhhhhhh.

I am in control.

Plant Love (Spreadsheet and Research)

 

Welcome to my version of the dream life, where I look up chemicals and house plants and how they affect each other, all while wearing a surgical mask because I am afraid of catching a strain of the most recent flu outbreak lurking on literally probably EVERY pen I ALMOST grabbed and approximately 1.2 mm away from where I laid my hand on that door handle to the outside, the coughing, dingy, lurking germy outer world.

Hi. I'm still here.

So, I have recently transformed my house into a jungle. That is what my house is affectionately called--The Jungle. I have done this because I have always wanted a house just teeming with green. (ahem) I have also done this because, in the past, I have killed every plant I owned within weeks, and only recently have I realized that I am a person who works very well with schedules and reminders of important to-dos. Once I started setting these reminders for work, play, and PLANTS, my life has become a much more organized and stress-free, enjoyable time. And now that I actually water my plants, they live on to see their 1st month birthday. We haven't graduated to annual birthdays, quite yet--this family is doing monthly birthdays. It's a little different, but hell, they get 12 birthdays a year, so they shouldn't be complaining. (I give them fertilizer every birthday-- they just love it).

Gawd.....

So anyway, I just recently realized that I have so many plants now that I was getting them confused--their watering and light patterns. Some of the leaves were turning yellow or drooping, some were getting dry.

So I decided that I had to take care of it in the best way I know how--make a spreadsheet. I have attached said spreadsheet in case any of my numerous followers ought want to admire my handiwork and possible use it as a template for their own spreadsheet if they are the organization queen they claim to be. (Prove it, bishes). Jk I just love myself, so I'm posting it to admire years from now.

House Plant Spreadsheet

Well, while I was creating my spreadsheet, I started noticing that several of my house plants had a air purifying quality in them as noted by NASA Clean Air Study of 1989 --certain plants are good at removing certain chemicals including (but not limited to, of course) benzene, trichloroethylene, formaldehyde, and xylene. THESE CHEMICALS ARE IN MY HOUSE????!!!!! Yeahhhhh, apparently they are. I made note of which plants clean what chemical out of the air in my spreadsheet, as any thorough organization queen would. However.... WHERE ARE THESE CHEMICALS COMING FROM????

Benzene:
- Found in crude oil, gasoline, resins, adhesives, "rubbers, lubricants, dyes, detergents, drugs, explosives, and pesticides" (1) and is a human carcinogen. "The major sources of benzene exposure are tobacco smoke, automobile service stations, exhaust from motor vehicles, and industrial emissions." (1)
- "Increases the risk of cancer and other illnesses, and is also a notorious cause of bone marrow failure. Substantial quantities of epidemiologic, clinical, and laboratory data link benzene to aplastic anemia, acute leukemia, and bone marrow abnormalities." (1)
- There is no safe exposure level; even tiny amounts can cause harm. (1)

Trichloroethylene:
- Found in contaminated ground water, particularly highly exposed in hot shower water. "Based on available federal and state surveys, between 9% to 34% of the drinking water supply sources tested in the U.S. may have some TCE contamination..." (2)
- Produces depression in the central nervous system, causing anesthesia. Causes "headache, dizziness, and confusion and progressing with increasing exposure to unconsciousness" (2) Causes liver and kidney cancer.

Formaldehyde
- 7th most prevalent allergen in patch tests.
- Found in permanent press finished clothing, cosmetics, construction materials, hardwood plywood, particle board
- Allergies can causes skin lesions and dermatitis.
- "Symptoms may affect personal awareness, making one feel tired or fatigued". (3) Those exposed to high levels reported headaches, coughing, and lung problems like asthma and bronchitis.

Xylene:
- Found in ink, rubber, adhesives, and paint thinner, and used in the leather industry.
- Causes depression of the central nervous system, causing "headache, dizziness, nausea and vomiting" as well as "headaches, irritability, depression, insomnia, agitation, extreme tiredness, tremors, impaired concentration and short-term memory" (4) with long-term exposure.
- A skin irritant, stripping the skin of oils and causing it to be more vulnerable to other chemicals.

These chemicals have made their way into our every day products. BUT the amazing thing about that is that these plants can cleanse the air and help to promote a cleaner environment in the home. So basically all of this to say, that I hope that when you enter The Jungle, you feel a sense of calm and peace. While I am sure that the organization and small sense of control I have gained in my life lately has greatly influenced my overall stress levels and sense of well-being, I am not entirely sure that the plants haven't done their fair share to promote this new peace and calm in my home as well. And it's cool to see that while these plants aesthetically change a room, they also chemically change the vibe of a room as well. Plants really are as good as they look. And how often does that really happen in life? <3 p="">
<3 p="">
<3 p="">If reader is interested, the link below has NASA's list of the plants which remove said chemicals.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/NASA_Clean_Air_Study#Chart_of_air-filtering_plants
<3 p="">
<3 p="">Sources (Objectionable as well as Incorrectly Cited, but at least I didn't plagiarize)
(1) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Benzene
(2) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trichloroethylene
(3) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Formaldehyde
(4) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Xylene

Beautiful When Not Trying

And because after writing that last post and falling short of finding a picture that summed up my feelings, I post this now.  Because as much as I can make plans for my life and how to better myself, I also want to enjoy color and art and what not for what it is and not read into EVERYTHING.  Sometimes things are beautiful just because they catch your eye.  Sometimes you can make beautiful things and be something beautiful without trying, even with your faults.

Perfectionism . Introversion . Exhaustion

If I do great things, and no one ever knows about them, am I still relevant? 

If I write great songs and play them alone in my house, can I really be an esteemed writer?

If a tree falls in the woods, and no one is there to hear it, does it still make a sound?  Does it still matter?

I guess these are all ridiculous questions asking the same idea.

Does success require extroversion?  Because it seems like in order to be appreciated or to be successful, you must publish your work and be striving for some type of attention, some recognition. 

Obviously the idea of being appreciated or respected is appealing to me.  However, the idea of publishing my work gives me anxiety. 

But why?

Is it the judgment or feedback on my work that scares me?  Or the accountability?  I think the thing that scares me the most is pressure, really.  If I do something good, than I have to do something better next time.  What is the point of being creative if you're a downward slope?

I think I've been waiting to be the best me before I publish anything or make it public.  Waiting to organize a grand thought.  I believe I am capable of great things.  But nothing feels great enough at the time.

Perhaps my perfectionism is holding me back from growth.  No doubt that it is, in reality.

So I would like to make a few goals for myself based on the things that I feel that are holding me back from being the best me.

Strengths/Weaknesses that are not entirely bad things, but ARE things that are holding me back:

Perfectionism
Introversion
Exhaustion

(and the goals that are being birthed through this realization, as follows):

Perfectionism: 
     -     I would like to start working every night on recording or writing.  If it's not perfect, it's okay!  I would like to work on demos of a full album with all of the instruments.  It doesn't have to be perfect.  But it DOES need to be done.

Introversion:
     -      I would like to start going to lunch with people.  I have found that my nights typically tend to be very busy as a single mother raising a wonderful child that I WANT to have my full attention when I'm with her, on top of maintaining a house and having quality me time.  In the past, I typically dedicate my lunch breaks to doing dishes and other household chores around the house or sleeping. However, when I'm NOT doing housework that NEEDS to get done and CAN'T be done at night, I would like to spend that time visiting with people and maintaining my ability to connect and care with friends.  Whether I crave this or not is not the issue--it is good for me to hear about other people's problems and to invest in other people's lives.  Not to mention, this kind of thing--interaction--is where inspiration is drawn from.  It is not pointless in any shape or fashion.

Exhaustion:
     -     I would like to start going to bed later and waking up earlier.  I know, I know.  Sounds counter-productive to curbing exhaustion.  HOWEVER, the fact of the matter is that when I go to sleep at 8p.m. and wake up at 6:45a.m., I am getting almost 11 HOURS OF SLEEP.  That is much too much. In fact, I am only supposed to be having between 7.5 and 8 hours of sleep a night.  SO.  New bedtime is 10:00 p.m. and new wake up time is 6:00 a.m.  That gives me my goal amount of sleep.  This also allows about 2.5 hours of time AFTER my daughter goes to sleep for me to play music and record, do dishes, clean, read, watch TV, have "me" time, etc.  And waking up at 6, gives me 30-45 minutes to do dishes or clean if I need to, and to do yoga and meditate BEFORE starting my day.  This will help with my exhaustion.  It will also most likely help with my perfectionism and introversion as well, as I will have time to meditate and think and have "me" time as a way to start my day off.

I am tired of taking my strengths/weaknesses and just assuming that they control how I act and what I will do and what I will create.

"Although of course you end up becoming yourself." - David Foster Wallace

I control what I do and how I act, and I am strong and more than the things I define myself by.  Those things are not limitations.  I control my future.

Who am I and what matters to me doesn't have to be a reflective question.  The future is now.  The future is beautiful, and if I work hard and makes goals, it's just the way I want it to be.

Learning How to Daughter

Today, I tried to practice what I preached.  Today, I tried to be in the moment.  And I had a really fantastic day with my daughter.  We played hide and seek and baked cookies.  We read lots of books--she made me read a Farm Animal Sounds book seven times in a row because she knows what dogs say and was excited to learn some other animals' sounds too.  I can see her wheels turning lately.  I can say something like, "Where is the pig's eye?"  And she points to it.  "Where is momma's nose?"  And she points to it.  Sometimes she points to her own nose instead.  She doesn't really understand the who part yet. :)

But we had a fantastic day.  She went to bed late, and was pissed about it--seemingly because she didn't want the wonderful day to end.

I love being a mom.  I love what she teaches me.  I love learning with her.

She gets so frustrated about simple things--today, she was holding one of those nose sucker things while I was changing her clothes, and the item was too large for her to continue holding while I put her arm in the sleeve.  So I tried to take it from her, and she resisted, looking at me with a  frantic face like she was about to throw down about holding this nose sucker.   So I let it go and asked if she would put it down on the table and I patted the table to signal to her where to put it.  She happily put it down.  It wasn't the act of losing the nose sucker (why couldn't it have been a more romantic object now that I'm telling the story?!) that upset her.  It was the act of me taking it from her.  She wanted to do it on her own time in her own way.

And I ought encourage that.  I ought be present to be familiar with what her own way looks like so that I can encourage it and encourage our bonding instead of a power struggle between us.

She's my daughter, but there's no reason I should treat her as beneath me.  Me and my mom do things completely different, and I am happy I was allowed the space for me to learn how I like to do things.

So I continue this quest of learning how to deal with my one year old and treat her with respect.  And humble myself in the process with how simple "getting along" can really be.

I can't believe I am so lucky to be living this life I lead.

I love her independence.  I love everything about her.  She's my girl.

Be Alive

The amount of order and disarray in my mind. 

Everything that can be scheduled must be in order, organized, and mapped out on a linear time frame.

A to-do list with suggested times of completion. 

"After I leave this errand, I will head to that errand and complete other errand which is on the way to that errand."

Lines.

Sometimes intersecting.  Sometimes seemingly sporadic, but always planned out, at the very least, five minutes ahead.

A constant state of repeating. "Hangers.  Milk.  Magnets.  Hangers.  Milk.  Magnets." 

"Damn it.  I'll just write it down in my notes on my phone.  And keep looking down at it when I forget why I came here.  And keep looking down.  And keep looking down.  And planning which route to take to consolidate my steps and time."

Never trusting myself to remember everything that I need to get done, even when I try my hardest to just. Think. About. The. Things. That. Don't. Matter.

And in the mean time, I miss my daughter giving up on trying to catch my attention. (Or so I imagine--it seems I wouldn't know).  :(

What am I so afraid of thinking about, seeing, talking to, or dreaming about that I shut off that side of my brain.  "Here, think of these things-grocery lists and bed times." 

Why can't I just play?  Why can't I use my time to get in the bath with my daughter?  Or go exploring with my boyfriend (jk I don't have one)?  Or paint my body in beautiful colors and take nude pictures?  Or sit down at the piano and just play all night--not for recording or for writing, but just because I want to enjoy myself and not judge myself?

Life is for living. 

Not for marking days off of lists.

It's okay to think sometimes.  And it's okay to not think sometimes.  But don't forget to live along the way.

I've always known I have a tendency to redirect within in some shape or form.  And really, I'm okay with it--it's how I work best.  But I want to redirect to constructive outlets, and not to consolidate my creativity into outlets I would do best at.  I want to redirect to constructive outlets that make me feel alive and happy and present.  Even if I suck at them.

Example: Traveling from Point A to Point B.

If Point A and Point B are familiar, then really it is the journey between these two points that could be the most fun.

And just because it is important to get from Point A to Point B doesn't mean that one can't have fun along the way.

The area in between is all of the things that I look over, and sometime I wonder if those things are more important than the points at which I stop to look around.  

I want my head up while I'm traveling.  I want to feel alive. 

I want to squeeze you and tell you I love you and feel your skin and your temperature and your clothes all at the same time.

I want to be alive.