Well it happened. I took the reigns on my mental health and stopped running from my problems--hiding, and trying to make the best of a broken situation.I feel like a better mom. I feel more in control of my emotions and thoughts. It's true--I don't feel things quite as intensely, but it's mostly a good thing--I can't really think of a downside to it. I don't get as angry. I don't get as down. I get just as up! I get more productive. I get less sleepy. I feel like myself for the first time in years honestly. Free as a bird. Makes me want to cry how good I feel and how long I forgot that feeling so light-weight and free was possible. I refuse to think of the past two years as wasted time. I just want to pick myself up and start moving.
I have a show booked that will be a fundraiser for my album. It will be my first full-band live show of my music in over 3 years (right after I found out I was pregnant with Evie), and only the third show ever for me to play my music full-band. I am nervous. But I feel courageous. I want to stare the fear down, and put on the best, most free, most confident, and most unabashed show of my life.
Evie and I are buddies. She helped me make pancakes this weekend. She loves hugs. When I wake her up every morning and lay her down on her changing table to change her, she grabs my shirt and pulls me in for a hug. She holds me, and I hold her little body for a while. When I pull away to change her again, she pulls me back in for more hugs, like she never wants to let me go. It's our sweet little time together. I would wake up early every day of my life for moments like these. I love her so much. When we're watching Sesame Street, she always gets off the couch to dance on the rug to the opening song (and any song that tells her to "dance!" or "stomp!"). She always looks back at me and says, "Mama, dance! Rug!" And I come and dance with her. :) I really enjoy my time with that I get with her. I am so lucky to have her.
I am working on art. I am putting together a wedding suite for my best friend, Sarah, and have made multiple Christmas presents out of my art. I am having fun with it, and have learned so much about Illustrator. Typically, it doesn't ever seem like I'm learning or growing much; but when you look back, you realize all of the progress you have made, and how it didn't even feel like work at all. (Hardly). It's a good feeling to invest in the things that make you happy!
I have so much inspiration in my head and on my media sources--so many things to draw. So many things to paint. So many things to create. Sometimes it is scary to sit down and actually start on a project, because there are SO many things that I want to do--it is overwhelming, and I want to make great things! How do I decide what to do first? I want to play with gouache-- I love the look. I want to play with oils. I need to finish some paintings that have sat around unfinished. I want to start on new ideas! Really, I just need to start doing it instead of talking about it. I know I can do it. I feel it in my bones that it's wanting to come out. It's some type of creative re-birth happening right now. It may sound dramatic, but ever since I found out I was going to be a mother, it's as if something was put on hold--not turned off--but put on hold. And now, I am ready and WANTING to put that creative energy into MAKING what I want to see. The mind is too beautiful a place to keep to oneself.
