Angry again
Wanting someone to come back for us but hating them for leaving in the first place. We are the creepers that can't let go. Secretly hoping the other person will find out that we've been true and unyielding the whole time. But we don't want them back. We just want it to be like it once was. The whole "time heals all things" and "just move on" idea is bull shit. We're left forcing ourselves not to think. Really about anything... I'm left cold and alone. Still cold and alone. Heartless. I don't have a heart. Just a hole where one used to beat. And I don't know that I can ever get that back. I want to say love is worth it. But honestly, it's done nothing but hurt me.
Love that we practice. Pain that we make. Fuck it. Love is exasperating. I don't believe in it anymore. Noone can be happy with someone else for life. Why did we always feel like marriage was an assumed stepping stone that all humans reach upon adulthood? This is bogus. Why joke with yourself? You can trust noone but yourself, and sometimes not even that. Life isn't some prince/princess fairytale. It's Grapes of Wrath. It's music. It's God somewhere. It's living the moment to the fullest. Everything else is a risk. Why risk something that you have to depend on someone else for? Noone's perfect. I need nothing but a few close friends and some quiet time to myself. Why fall for something you will never know?
I think I am in a dark place. It feels different than normal. It scares me. And I don't know how to get out.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Elevator Celebrator
The freight elevator door slammed on me yesterday. It is a very large door, mind you. I fell forward, trying to catch myself; and unfortunately, jammed my thumb in the process. It hurts very badly and I am forced to say that I am the clumsiest girl in the world; and it is, at times, very frustrating indeed.
On another note, I think I feel a peace? Or I'm not angry right now? At this second. This is a great start.
On another note, I think I feel a peace? Or I'm not angry right now? At this second. This is a great start.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Lost
How is it that you can pour your heart out to someone, be seemingly accepted, and then realistically... utterly rejected?
You called me your best friend, as you were mine. But now you want nothing to do with me. And that hurts worse than you wanting less with me.
You called me your best friend, as you were mine. But now you want nothing to do with me. And that hurts worse than you wanting less with me.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
What does one do when they feel utterly lost? I have so many mixed emotions right now. I am absolutely in love with a man who I'm now scared to love. Love is such a risky and odd thing. It can hurt you or hold your back. Cause such happiness and such heartbreak. Heart pulls this way. Heart pulls that. Heart drops. Heart rushes. Love is an exasperation emotions of wills. Will this or don't. Love never dies. It merely changes face. This is my view on love- all in or all out. If you're not willing to put 100% on the line, then don't fall in love. "Falling in love" is the perfect description- you may not know how bad it will hurt when you land, but you take the plunge. I don't understand people that don't give 100%. One that isn't willing to risk it all should RISK nothing at all. Simple as that. But ANYWAY!
I am a person that doesn't like to bring up problems I may have between me and another person. I put up with things that may or may not should be problems, and I rarely address them. I don't like conflict. I'd rather the person be blissfully ignorant and happy than have to worry about changing for me. Perhaps it is the way I was raised, I'm not sure. However, I do know that I have never ever wanted to talk to someone so bad in my life. I miss him. I want to know EXACTLY what he's thinking. I want to know whether I should purge this love that I made in my heart. It is not fit to love another. However, it IS fit to love. I will not ask anyone to change for me; if I have to ask someone to change in order for me to love them, I feel that it is not love that I am offering. It would then merely be a selfish comfortability. I would love to know what I truly think. It is odd that my own mind can be so complex and so confusing to even me.
Am I happy? Was I happy? I have no idea. Please tell me.
All I can think of is the phrase "You never know what you've got until it's gone." What did I have, and is it really gone?
I am a person that doesn't like to bring up problems I may have between me and another person. I put up with things that may or may not should be problems, and I rarely address them. I don't like conflict. I'd rather the person be blissfully ignorant and happy than have to worry about changing for me. Perhaps it is the way I was raised, I'm not sure. However, I do know that I have never ever wanted to talk to someone so bad in my life. I miss him. I want to know EXACTLY what he's thinking. I want to know whether I should purge this love that I made in my heart. It is not fit to love another. However, it IS fit to love. I will not ask anyone to change for me; if I have to ask someone to change in order for me to love them, I feel that it is not love that I am offering. It would then merely be a selfish comfortability. I would love to know what I truly think. It is odd that my own mind can be so complex and so confusing to even me.
Am I happy? Was I happy? I have no idea. Please tell me.
All I can think of is the phrase "You never know what you've got until it's gone." What did I have, and is it really gone?
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Melon-collie
I called my mom today to discuss details about transferring schools, and I asked to speak to my youngest sister and brother. My brother cried. I asked him what he was crying about, and he said it was because I was leaving. I cried. Never have I felt so strongly that I am leaving everything that I know or have ever known. It's an exhilerating feeling- the fact that I am about to explore the unknown, as I have always wanted to. But it also leaves me melancholy, as my life-long friends and family will soon be merely acquaintances. It makes me wish that I had been around when they wanted me to be. It makes me wish that I had put everything I had into every relationship I had, while I had the chance. It makes me want to be different in any new friendships I may form in that new place, the unknown place. It makes me want to do mission work. It makes me want to love my God with the passion I had when He first showed Himself to me. It makes me want to be a better and bigger person. I've been blessed with the most wonderful life I could've asked for, and it was hand-picked for me by my first Love. I can't wait to see what He has in store for me. :)
Friday, January 29, 2010
The Old Dies with a Valiant Goodbye
I've always almost been willing to say I wish it had never happened. "That bad, huh?" "Yes, it changes the way I feel about myself, relationships, hobbies, everything." But two out of those half three, half four things have made me a better person for it.
Myself - It's made me view myself less independently and yet more independently. I am scarcely what I used to be, which is not entirely a bad thing. I used to feel that I had nothing to prove, very confident in who I was, very independent. However now, I feel that I not only want to be myself, but also that I want to be liked. I don't want to settle in apathetically doing what I would usually do. I want to push myself to be comfortable in situations I am not naturally comfortable in, like meeting new people. I want to be someone that others are comfortable with, and I don't want to be that girl that others feel like they can never reach. I feel that I was that way at one point.
Relationships - I am much more suspicious, curious, fascinated. I feel that it once was only a friendship. I treated you like I treated my guy friends. And I was not treated well, as a girl should be treated by the man that says he loves her. I desire not to be told of past escapades with your other girlfriends. I desire not to find texts from girls that you had been hooking up with while we were talking. I desire only true devotion, and for that I am thankful. I am thankful when I look at the man in front of me and see no alterior motives in his eyes. He wants me for me, just as I desire him for every wonderful thing he is. We are one. And though in the past, you tried to take some of my heart, you took just enough for me to realize how good I have it now. For that, I shall not regret.
Hobbies - I now realize that art is something you see or you don't, and it is never something to be ashamed of. It is something to be appreciated. I, now, know that such a large part of me as this is meant to be shared with me alone, if noone else cares. And that is fine. However, to meet someone who shares this with me and loves it about me, just as I love and respect it in him, is a beautiful thing.
Everything - That is a strong statement. I feel that I view things better now. Less judgmental, less naive. And for that, you are not to thank, only myself and others. You're welcome.
So after all, I thank you in the most genuine way that I can. Thank you for being a fool, so that I could see what real people are like. I hope that you realize that everything you once had has been vastly improved and has moved on to the most amazing thing I could ever hope for. And you are still the same. It's a shame not for me, but for you.
Myself - It's made me view myself less independently and yet more independently. I am scarcely what I used to be, which is not entirely a bad thing. I used to feel that I had nothing to prove, very confident in who I was, very independent. However now, I feel that I not only want to be myself, but also that I want to be liked. I don't want to settle in apathetically doing what I would usually do. I want to push myself to be comfortable in situations I am not naturally comfortable in, like meeting new people. I want to be someone that others are comfortable with, and I don't want to be that girl that others feel like they can never reach. I feel that I was that way at one point.
Relationships - I am much more suspicious, curious, fascinated. I feel that it once was only a friendship. I treated you like I treated my guy friends. And I was not treated well, as a girl should be treated by the man that says he loves her. I desire not to be told of past escapades with your other girlfriends. I desire not to find texts from girls that you had been hooking up with while we were talking. I desire only true devotion, and for that I am thankful. I am thankful when I look at the man in front of me and see no alterior motives in his eyes. He wants me for me, just as I desire him for every wonderful thing he is. We are one. And though in the past, you tried to take some of my heart, you took just enough for me to realize how good I have it now. For that, I shall not regret.
Hobbies - I now realize that art is something you see or you don't, and it is never something to be ashamed of. It is something to be appreciated. I, now, know that such a large part of me as this is meant to be shared with me alone, if noone else cares. And that is fine. However, to meet someone who shares this with me and loves it about me, just as I love and respect it in him, is a beautiful thing.
Everything - That is a strong statement. I feel that I view things better now. Less judgmental, less naive. And for that, you are not to thank, only myself and others. You're welcome.
So after all, I thank you in the most genuine way that I can. Thank you for being a fool, so that I could see what real people are like. I hope that you realize that everything you once had has been vastly improved and has moved on to the most amazing thing I could ever hope for. And you are still the same. It's a shame not for me, but for you.
Friday, January 15, 2010
other places
I feel an emotion stronger than in my past. It's something real- this that I feel.
I am desperately wanting to travel abroad lately. There is so much world to see and I want to explore it. Not on the streets with a map, visiting museums and famous landmarks. I want to be in the country and see what those people see. Learn to talk like them and to live like them. Culture is a much greater thing to me than I ever had realized. My supposed hatred of history, as I had come to convince myself, limited me from actually diving into the study of another country. However, I have always appreciated culture. My first glance at culture came from visiting plantation homes and gardens in south Louisiana. What beauty we have here: magnolia trees, crepe myrtles, pelicans, Southern Moss... All of it is so beautiful and full of culture. I feel like my roots were grown there. Like I've always been here, even before my time. This makes me wonder what else is out there. If I love what I've always known (which for most, has the potential to become boring), how much more could I love that which I have never seen?!
I wait patiently on it. I'll see you one day.
I am desperately wanting to travel abroad lately. There is so much world to see and I want to explore it. Not on the streets with a map, visiting museums and famous landmarks. I want to be in the country and see what those people see. Learn to talk like them and to live like them. Culture is a much greater thing to me than I ever had realized. My supposed hatred of history, as I had come to convince myself, limited me from actually diving into the study of another country. However, I have always appreciated culture. My first glance at culture came from visiting plantation homes and gardens in south Louisiana. What beauty we have here: magnolia trees, crepe myrtles, pelicans, Southern Moss... All of it is so beautiful and full of culture. I feel like my roots were grown there. Like I've always been here, even before my time. This makes me wonder what else is out there. If I love what I've always known (which for most, has the potential to become boring), how much more could I love that which I have never seen?!
I wait patiently on it. I'll see you one day.
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