Learning How to Daughter

Today, I tried to practice what I preached.  Today, I tried to be in the moment.  And I had a really fantastic day with my daughter.  We played hide and seek and baked cookies.  We read lots of books--she made me read a Farm Animal Sounds book seven times in a row because she knows what dogs say and was excited to learn some other animals' sounds too.  I can see her wheels turning lately.  I can say something like, "Where is the pig's eye?"  And she points to it.  "Where is momma's nose?"  And she points to it.  Sometimes she points to her own nose instead.  She doesn't really understand the who part yet. :)

But we had a fantastic day.  She went to bed late, and was pissed about it--seemingly because she didn't want the wonderful day to end.

I love being a mom.  I love what she teaches me.  I love learning with her.

She gets so frustrated about simple things--today, she was holding one of those nose sucker things while I was changing her clothes, and the item was too large for her to continue holding while I put her arm in the sleeve.  So I tried to take it from her, and she resisted, looking at me with a  frantic face like she was about to throw down about holding this nose sucker.   So I let it go and asked if she would put it down on the table and I patted the table to signal to her where to put it.  She happily put it down.  It wasn't the act of losing the nose sucker (why couldn't it have been a more romantic object now that I'm telling the story?!) that upset her.  It was the act of me taking it from her.  She wanted to do it on her own time in her own way.

And I ought encourage that.  I ought be present to be familiar with what her own way looks like so that I can encourage it and encourage our bonding instead of a power struggle between us.

She's my daughter, but there's no reason I should treat her as beneath me.  Me and my mom do things completely different, and I am happy I was allowed the space for me to learn how I like to do things.

So I continue this quest of learning how to deal with my one year old and treat her with respect.  And humble myself in the process with how simple "getting along" can really be.

I can't believe I am so lucky to be living this life I lead.

I love her independence.  I love everything about her.  She's my girl.

Be Alive

The amount of order and disarray in my mind. 

Everything that can be scheduled must be in order, organized, and mapped out on a linear time frame.

A to-do list with suggested times of completion. 

"After I leave this errand, I will head to that errand and complete other errand which is on the way to that errand."

Lines.

Sometimes intersecting.  Sometimes seemingly sporadic, but always planned out, at the very least, five minutes ahead.

A constant state of repeating. "Hangers.  Milk.  Magnets.  Hangers.  Milk.  Magnets." 

"Damn it.  I'll just write it down in my notes on my phone.  And keep looking down at it when I forget why I came here.  And keep looking down.  And keep looking down.  And planning which route to take to consolidate my steps and time."

Never trusting myself to remember everything that I need to get done, even when I try my hardest to just. Think. About. The. Things. That. Don't. Matter.

And in the mean time, I miss my daughter giving up on trying to catch my attention. (Or so I imagine--it seems I wouldn't know).  :(

What am I so afraid of thinking about, seeing, talking to, or dreaming about that I shut off that side of my brain.  "Here, think of these things-grocery lists and bed times." 

Why can't I just play?  Why can't I use my time to get in the bath with my daughter?  Or go exploring with my boyfriend (jk I don't have one)?  Or paint my body in beautiful colors and take nude pictures?  Or sit down at the piano and just play all night--not for recording or for writing, but just because I want to enjoy myself and not judge myself?

Life is for living. 

Not for marking days off of lists.

It's okay to think sometimes.  And it's okay to not think sometimes.  But don't forget to live along the way.

I've always known I have a tendency to redirect within in some shape or form.  And really, I'm okay with it--it's how I work best.  But I want to redirect to constructive outlets, and not to consolidate my creativity into outlets I would do best at.  I want to redirect to constructive outlets that make me feel alive and happy and present.  Even if I suck at them.

Example: Traveling from Point A to Point B.

If Point A and Point B are familiar, then really it is the journey between these two points that could be the most fun.

And just because it is important to get from Point A to Point B doesn't mean that one can't have fun along the way.

The area in between is all of the things that I look over, and sometime I wonder if those things are more important than the points at which I stop to look around.  

I want my head up while I'm traveling.  I want to feel alive. 

I want to squeeze you and tell you I love you and feel your skin and your temperature and your clothes all at the same time.

I want to be alive.