Feelings aren't stupid. But they are stupid.
I want to write something that says I don't care. That I'm happy. That I don't get hurt. I wish I were that person.
I can't fake certain things. I can't fake them enough to believe them. I want to retreat. I want to hide. I want to run back to things. I want to move. I want to cling. I want to quit. I want to start fresh. I want to start writing. I want to stop writing.
I want something.
I just want everyone to be happy. They have their gangs that they cling to. The frickin crew. I was never a part. I was never invited. And that's okay, but I can't say it hasn't always bothered me. I try so hard, but I'm just different. I don't have a problem being different. But sometimes, I do feel very, very alone. The thing is, I just want a close friend. I want a best friend. I feel like everyone has left me, and in the process, I'm not really sure where I stand. What I stand for. Who I am. I believe so much in friendship and love and beauty and fun. I just want something that I don't have. I have a lot. I have more than I realize, and I realize this. I just feel alone. And I see no way of changing that.
Rarely, do I need anyone. But that open knowledge makes me feel very alone when I do need someone and no one is there. I seem to have run everyone off; I seem to have tons of acquaintances and hardly anyone that really is that close to me.
I don't know what I am doing or what I want to do.
