Air Instruments

by Adams Carvalho.

Just saw that Bright Eyes and Kurt Vile have a show in Austin, TX in September... I'm going to pretend I didn't see that so I won't get upset.

I play air instruments way too often. Air guitar, air piano, air bass, etc. It's not for attention, to be seen; Lord knows I do it more by myself than in front of people. (Thaaaaaats what....) I do it to practice, not necessarily the notes, but the rhythm of the notes; since I was little, I would always find myself "practicing" even when there was no actual piano present- I was just trying to get better or at least stay familiar with the parts that I knew. Realistically, it's probably from me being bored homeschooling and just trying to entertain myself. Anywho, on the way to work today, I was listening to music and I suddenly had an outburst of a piano solo, unbeknownst to me. I played a very fast-moving 2 second Liszt-like solo on my steering wheel. I abruptly stopped, realized what I was doing and looked at the car next to me to see how embarrassed I should be. It was a bus. The bus driver waved at me; I guess he thought I was waving really obnoxiously and daintily to him. So I just smiled back and acted as if I I had waved, as if I were just super happy and outgoing this morning, when really I was contemplating when I could engage in my next small coma of a nap. Jokessss onnnnn youuuuu.

But not really.

The Hand We’ve Been Dealt

Hey, you, remember those nights?

Well I do, but you said the time wasn’t right

Well, tell me, when will you start fighting for you?

They say that you never know

What you’ve got til it’s already gone

But you were the man to fold your winning hand.

And you’re probably right like always

Damn if your weakness ain’t precise

Despite how we’re feeling, it’s for the greater good- you would

Even you leave me admirably

I beg and plead, but you don’t make a sound

If you feel this I feel, why must you make me doubt?

If steady wins the race, I should’ve lost to you by now

But I don’t ask you to stay, you don’t ask me to go

I can’t help but hope that this is taking it slow

I hope that you lie

I hope you think of me too all of the time

If you won’t want me, can’t you hurt me?

Can’t you at least say “I hate you too”?

Must you make me admire you?

I could only hope for someone like you

Just like you… You.

Why do you leave me so lovingly?

These Are a Few of My Favorite (and Least Favorite) Things

(Girl) - "...Usually when things has gone this far

People tend to disappear

No one will surprise me unless you do"

(Boy) - "I can tell there's something goin' on

Hours seems to disappear

Everyone is leaving I'm still with you..."

- Young Folks by Peter Bjorn and Jon

A few things I like:

- The smell of Sharpies

- Street smart people.

A few things I hate:

- The smell of freshly cut grass

- Stubbing my toe (makes me more legitimately angry than any human can make me)

A few things that scare me:

- Bees. Absolutely terrified. It's out of hand.

- The Grimlins & Chucky.

A few things that make me laugh:

- AFV is always embarrassing to watch with anyone else in the room, due to the intensity of my laughter during the show. I used to go up to Starbucks and just watch 10 minute videos of all the clips from a single episode condensed. I've seen over 100; my friends started telling me to stop looking at them. I know addiction to pills is bad for you, but they DO say laughter is the best medicine!..... Oh, Lordy.* And that joke didn't even really work either.**

- Whoopie cushions/potty humor/slap stick humor - I'm just a big child

*embarrassing

**embarrassing 2x

The attorney that I work for was born today some odd years ago. I brought a Cinnamon Sock-It-To-Me cake and sent out a laughable mass e-mail something like, "Join us in DP for some cake to celebrate the wonder of _____’s life!".... I'm pretty sure that's not what the e-mail said. But the truth is.... I have a serious problem with mass serving- with eating in front of people, making people's plates, etc. I really hate having to perform any public action dealing with food where attention could be called to myself.... I realize that makes me kinda crazy. But then again, I don't really see it as something worth working on changing- I'd be fine never serving cake for the rest of my life. I'm a total pro at making drinks for people, so it works out.*

*Sarcasm. I mean, I'd like to think I can make a good drink, but really I'm just making fun of myself for talking about so much dumb stuff, when I could be talking about like world peace or AIDS... I'm so serious all of the time. And yes, it IS hard being me.

And finally, feel the passion... Smell the leather.

The Poker Man

Ooooooh, this song is going to be good.....

"They say that you never know what you've got til it's already gone
But you're just the man to fold the winning hand...
I beg and I plead, but to no avail
So I deny everything, then I scream 'cuz I want you to yell
If steady won the race, I should've lost to you by now.
But I don't ask you to stay, you don't ask me to go.
I can't help but hope that this is 'taking it slow'
I hope that you lie.
I hope you still think of me too all of the time."

Hope you don't give me away.

X&Y - Random Complaints

My favorite Coldplay album.

Today is bluh.

Also, I've had a headache all day, as well as sore eyes.

If I have to hear some white boy sing "Guess who's coming to DINNAAAA" again...

I hate games.

Sorry for all of the negativity. I'll be better next time.

Smorgasbord

Too busy today to post anything other thannnnn.......

THE ORIGINAL CHARLOTTE'S WEB SOUNDTRACK IS FOREVER LOST - how sad. :(

I can't find it anywhere on iTunes or anywhere else. Instead they have some soundtrack with Dakota Fanning. Nothing against Dakota, but I just want to hear the original Zucherman's Famous Pig and Templeton's bingeing song whenever I'd like. Is that so much to ask? AND they only post Spanish clips of the movie online. It's just creepy. :(

Woman Like Me

Lovely sigh..... Good day, good day. :) Sometimes things are just dandy. :) "The Password" and "Woman Like Me" by Paleo. Hear it.

I just spent the last hour watching dub step videos. I would stick a fork in my leg to be able to dance like that. I actually just thought about it, and I know I would.

There's some show at Dalzell (a house venue in the area where I live in Skrevepawt) tonight; it's supposed to be some accordian player from San Francisco. Best BELIEVE I'll be there. I LOVE accordian, because it reminds me of Cajun and Celtic music. I have this weird connection with it - I love the music; I feel it. Tin whistle was the only instrument that I picked up and automatically knew how to play. It just worked. When I was little, I used to play it in church when all of those Baptist churches went through the Celtic crazed stage- you know that "Days of Elijah"/"Revival at Belfast" bull shniz. Anywho, I remember my worship minister making some comment on how I had freckles and played tin whistle and how I MUST be from Ireland. I do have some Irish in me and so of course, I was totally flattered and took great pride in the fact that I could play "my people's" music or something. Haha But I do still enjoy it a lot. :)

And of course, the next logical step in my though process would be that I AM A CHAMP AT ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS AND I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL ANYTIME YOU WANT!!!!!

^^^^^^Sometimes you feel like no one cares what you're going through... and sometimes... you're right.^^^^^^

Maybe

Untitled, a photo by Aëla Labbé on Flickr.

Over the past two years, I have had a great many heartbreaking experiences happen. I've reeled emotionally, and the only way that I could get that to stop was to not think about it. Any time I thought something that would cause me to get involved past a certain point, either emotionally or mentally, I would shut that thought process off. Not think about it. I think it's best for me at this point to go on and get something I've been thinking about out of my system. Keep in mind that this is TOTALLY out of my comfort zone and completely uncomfortable and vulnerable for me. But also, this blog was a journal before anyone used to read it. This is more for me than entertainment purposes. I've always had to write out my frustrations and thoughts versus speaking them.

Sometimes I try to act like things are not a big deal to me, and they're not sometimes! But deep down, I'm still a girl. Deep down, I'm still a hopeless romantic. Deep down, I still want to feel what I imagined as a little girl. So here is what I have written.

Everyone's growing up. Finding love. Getting married. Having babies. Sometimes those last two or three are reversed. Sometimes the first happens because the last did. And the weirdest part of it is that, at the same time that it feels as if this age is too young for all of that to happen, it also feels.... quite normal. It is so sad and beautiful to watch. Makes me feel like I missed something I was supposed to learn- like what to say when you love someone, or how to love someone, how to treat him like a man. How to be a lady. While I was supposed to be learning to clean and cook, I was writing words down and hiding in the woods, playing orphans and Nazi's, playing Indians. And I wouldn't trade any of it. I wish..... I don't know what I want. But I watch the earth and I try to learn something. I just want to sit down, soak in everything, really enjoy the view. It's not the "being forgotten" that scares me as much as that I may wake up one day, old and gray, and realize that I really did want all of those things I saw happen all around me - love, children, my own stove, a teammate, heart surges and goosebumps, pictures of my own family on my dresser, a love holding my hand, little feet that look like both mine and my best friend's. I'm afraid that in my pursuit for really experiencing life itself and seeing the beauty in the world, I will suddenly wake up and realize that..... I missed my chance. I'm not brave. I'm shy. Sometimes, I wish that someone would break through that wall I've built up. Because I'm not strong. Sometimes I would like to think that I was worth the fight. And that you didn't regret it. That I was worth spending time with and really getting to know. I both love and despise the girl that I am - the girl that is best friends with guys, hates girls, turns everything into a competition, etc. I enjoy all of these things (some of which are regrettable, I admit), but also, I want to believe that you still think that I'm small, that I'm still something to be protected and loved, not just the girl that skinnydips or likes to take turns driving on roadtrips. Sometimes I just want you to say that it's something worth trying- that you noticed me when I wasn't forward, that you noticed me even though I was shy and found it hard to open up. These past few years for me have been something I would never wish on anyone, but I haven't given up hope. You could still be out there. Maybe someday you'll say something, and it will be perfect. .... Maybe so....

Embarrassing Confessions

So I would like to dedicate this post to awkward confessions.

1. First of all, I was a massive fan of one of the members of the "Magnificent Seven" of the 1996 Atlanta Olympics, Dominique Moceanu. I was seven that year and I went CRAZY watching every bit of gymnastics that I could find on TV, day or night. Me and my sister, Brooke, helped make gymnastics all the rage in our friend group. Dominique Moceanu was our idol; she was so small, powerful and beautiful, and I wanted to be JUST like her. I had a book with pictures of her as a kid and pictures from all of her competitions... A couple more things- notice her wrist guards in the first picture. Well, me and my sister didn't have any of those, but we DID have rollerblading wrist guards! So we'd wear those and put sidewalk chalk all over our hands so we could do flips in the yard and look like professionals. Also, notice the position of her hands (something similar to "jazz hands") in the second picture- yeah, I perfected that- the dismount hands. What of it? Anyway, me and my sister got to meet her one time; we bought shirts with her on them and she signed her autograph. I don't know where my shirt is anymore, but it was my most prized possession for quite a few years.

2. Secondly.... I was also a fan of pair figure skaters Ekaterina Gordeeva and Sergei Grinkov. My grandpa knew that me and my sister, Brooke, were crazy about the Olympics and any type of sport that we most likely had no chance in ever doing. Sooo, he noticed some documentary called, "My Sergei" coming on TV one day about this Ekaterina Gordeeva and Sergei Grinkov. Well, he recorded it for us; and we got hooked. They were individual ice skaters that got paired up at 10 and 14 and started competing as pair skaters. Well, as the story goes, they fall in love and get married after years of skating together, they have a child, and then Sergei drops dead on the ice at 28 after he had a very serious heart attack. Such a sad story. But me and Brooke were hooked. "My Sergei" was sort of like a documentary- there would be clips of their competitions, clips of their home videos, pictures, recent clips of Ekaterina speaking regarding Sergei's death, etc. Me and Brooke would watch it religiously- we wore out the tape - and we would cry our eyes out every time and then immediately go roller skate in our driveway to classical music or jazz that we had recorded on tapes off of Encarta. Here was my favorite competition that they did when I was little.

3. I had THE biggest crush on the kid from Summer of the Monkeys. I remember thinking that it was cool that he was really adventurous and passionate (and henceforth, sometimes had a temper), but was so kind to his little sister. Haha I thought he was brave, absolutely beautiful and darn sexy while playing with all those monkeys.

4. I would put on sad classical music and try to make myself cry, just to practice my acting skills. After I mastered this, I would stare at myself in the mirror and have back-and-forth conversations, while I was playing two different characters. It was the best when they'd get into an argument. It entertained me, at least.

5. .... I still sometimes do #4.

And there you have it- some embarrassing confessions I'm not sure if I've ever told anyone.

Albert Pike

So I'm going to Albert Pike, Arkansas tomorrow night to camp with friends until Sunday night. Should be a b-b-blast. Really the only thing I associate with Arkansas is the long drive from St. Louis to Shreveport that me and my family used to go on. I just remember my mom saying, "Go to sleep! If you take a nap, we'll be there faster!" And she was always right. I think she is what got me addicted to naps. I've taken two today and it's 4:00 P.M., 16:00 for the military minded. Or something....

Oh, and that's one of my favorite models - her name is Bambi and she's adorable.

And lastly, this child ADMITTED to throwing that pinecone. What a little shit.

Me Night

Well, I'm taking a night to myself. I realized that I'm exhausting myself trying to be/hang out with everyone at once. I need some me time- I love going out to eat, seeing a movie, or exploring by myself and I literally haven't done any of those things in months. So tonight, I am having a "me night." Here is the list of things I have come up with to do.

To Do List for Today:

• Buy some nails, tacks and frames to hang up all my paintings in my house that are STILL NOT UP!!!
• Straighten and CLEAN my house while listening to some myrusic of choice- I'm feeling Mika, Coldplay, Fun and some cheesy radio music like the Black Eyed Peas tonight.
• Hang all those amazing paintings.
• Make/devour Mac 'N Cheese, go see a movie, eat out, whatever I feel like.
• Plan what I want to do with the picture Collage*
• Play some guitar/accordian and/or paint/draw
• And then maybe do a bunch of girly stuff like, ya know, paint my nails, wear crazy makeup and clothes and take pics, fall asleep to a Netflix movie with a pint of ice cream and milk beside me. Ya know, the things that I make fun of girls for doing, but I still love and never do often enough.

* I have tons of small paintings/pictures by artists that I found on my Tumblr. I'm trying to figure out where I would like to put all of these up. I've been thinking about a wall collage, where they are all framed and placed "mis-matchedly" on the wall. I'm also thinking about putting them on hemp strings and hanging them from my kitchen ceiling, as it has a spot for an idea like this. Or some cheesy banner or something. Hrmmmm.

You're welcome. ;)

Toilet Naps

So today, I fell asleep on the toilet at work... Just took a quick nap- woke up with fingerprints on my face. It really is wonderful how quickly and soundly I can fall asleep. I've fallen asleep three times in a drive-thru- the same trip. Literally fell asleep, woke up - "Oh shniz! I just fell asleep and the car in front of me pulled up", pulled up, fell asleep, and so forth. Three times. I also fell asleep standing up while working the drive-thru at Starbucks. While I fell asleep by accident those times, today was totally on purpose. I sound like such a lazy ass, but I really am a hard worker if I actually HAVE SOMETHING TO DO. I just take advantage of the fact that I'm tired and I can either sit in my office for twenty minutes or sleep on the toilet. The choice is obvious. I'm about to pull my hair out working this much and doing this little work.

So because of today's boredom, I decided to look up Jeff Buckley on wikipedia. I don't want to be responsible for anyone's depression, so I won't tell his story. But he was wonderful musician that should be listened to by YOU as often as possible.

So, I joined a new band. I will, now, be playing with a band called Victor Olston. We are also on Facebook. Tonight is my first official show with them. I am excited to see how it turns out; I'm thoroughly enjoying it thus far.

Baby Elephant - BIOTCH - Dumbo

Mama and Baby Elephant, a photo by tamaralund on Flickr.

So, I've been looking up pictures of baby elephants all day today, no big deal. What of it?

Today, I have had an overwhelming desire to be a smart-ass. I got in the elevator at work well aware that there was someone walking up.... I just let the door close. I laughed to myself that the person was probably slightly upset. I'm really helping whoever was out there walking up- they should learn that not everyone is nice. The world is a hard place... ;) Someone also walked up to me while I was smoking outside today and said, "You know those will stunt your growth! Haha" I replied, "Haha... I'm not twelve." But I waited to say it until he could probably barely hear me. Rawr.

Oh, and SINCE we were on the subject of elephants!!!!! Dumbo, 101 Dalmations and Benji were my favorite childhood movies. Dumbo was on my top three because of this scene - Pink Elephants!

What an odd child to like that part the best of any movie - I'm surprised that my mom even allowed me to watch that part, considering her protective nature and the trippiness of the scene. For example, we were not allowed to watch Alice in Wonderland. Just TOOO MUCH IMAGINATION!!! But I'm glad that I liked that part as a kid, because it's still one of my favorite parts of a Disney movie. I know it backwards and forwards - even the slightest of little sounds in it. :) It reminds me of being a kid.

So Dysfunctional

I think something is wrong with me....

It doesn't matter if I like someone a lot, I mess it up. At the start, I naturally get embarrassed for some reason and end up ignoring them. I'll make sure I'm still present when they're around (Haha ;)), but I almost refuse to look at them when they're in the same room as me. Honestly, that rule is so tried and true with me that if there is ever a person in the same room as me that I am sitting by and hanging out with but rarely look at or have one-on-one conversation with, you can be assured that I have a thing for them. Haha WHY DO I DO THIS?!!!! And then after a while of this, they try extra hard to get my attention because they think I'm one of the "untouchables" (competitive human mindset - we want what we can't have) and then..... I think they're doing that because they like me! So all this pent up "like" comes into play and I end up doing things that I wouldn't normally do- things that I'm not sure if I'm okay with or not. But then, to the guy, it just looks like the minute they pursued me, I threw myself at them, when that is not the case. I most likely have been timidly tip-toeing around them for a while and making sure that I liked them, and then just got over-excited at the thought of them liking me back.

Why doesn't anyone write songs about being scare of love and how dysfunctional we can get? Or am I the only one? :(

Life As Of Now

Untitled, a photo by Sam Coldy on Flickr.

I feel like a little girl. I feel nothing like a 22 year old woman that's supposed to be in control of her emotions or her self. Nope. I feel just like a small child that is so excited, they don't even want to go to sleep. It's fun. :) But quite possibly a bad idea.

On another note, I found roughly 30 cds that I thought I had lost in my move back to Shreveport. I don't think I've been that excited in probably years. That sounds like a joke, but literally, it was kinda embarrassing. Haha I found a YES, Raconteurs, Beck, Circa Survive, Fionn Regan, Frannk Sinatra, Spoon and Sloan album, just to name a few. It was all albums I haven't been able to listen to in over a year. It feels like a reunion.

Also, I practiced with my new band for the first time on Sunday, and we're practicing again tonight. It's so nice to be able to play piano again. I've missed it a lot; I got rusty. :/ But I'm really enjoying it, and I think the piano parts have a lot of potential because the songs are already great. I just need to pick out some fun parts. :)

Dr. Phil Moment with the Keyboard

It's funny how a fast a dynamic can change; and suddenly there's no going back to what it was. Hard times show who people really are - yourself and others. And unfortunately, all of us are flawed and usually not very pretty at heart.

...I don't honestly believe in reincarnation, though it would be awesome...

Rambling... Haha Anywho, BOTTOM LINE IS you have one life to live, and that life isn't worth spending stressed out about things you can't change. So I want to make the most of every day I'm here, and enjoy my life instead of stressing about what could be or anything of that nature. That's not an excuse to leave when things get hard or to turn your back on anything. Merely a point being noted that most of the things that we freak out about as humans are really not that big of a deal in the long-run. You have to ask yourself, "Is it worth stressing about?" I've stressed about things for the past nine months, and I've found that while I have learned some things, I mainly have become much more bitter and heartbroken over things that are not a part of my life anymore, as a rule. My philosophy in life is to do the things that you love and if you're not 100% behind something, DO. NOT. DO. IT. I can't say how many times I have said "All in or all out." And that's not a 'that's what she said,' perv. ;) I'd rather look back on my life and be able to honestly say that I did what I loved and really enjoyed every bit of my life than to know that I chose to put up a fight to either keep something or willingly let something go... but regret the decision. I don't really know what that means for me right now, but.

It's an odd feeling to have a peace or resolve. But I guess I'm glad it's there. I've worked towards this point for a year now, and I finally feel like I'm excited about where life will lead me again. It feels like memories leaving me though. Like a chapter of my life closing all of a sudden... when I didn't even realize it was coming.

I guess everyone has to grow up at some point.

And to turn this post around so I'm not officially depressed for the rest of the day... uhhhh... I am recently getting really into Ryan Adams' music? Yeah! It's GRRRRREAT!

And as a little pick me up... look upon my fine friend, Jack White, who looks as if he speaks my language - the language of the awkward soul.