:: be mindful ::

 

I am doing all of the "right things."

But it doesn't feel good.

 

I want my body and my mind to meet in the middle.  I'm going to try that for a while and see how it goes.  I think that's okay. 

 

I have an appointment with a nutritionist next week to discuss everything that's wrong with my head apparently.  My head doesn't feel out of control.  But it feels like a heavy burden that I don't want to carry. 

 

I'm so in love with my life--the people in it, the opportunities that I have, etc.  (But) When I take a look at my daily life and what it consists of, it feels very tame.  It feels like small variations of the same thing every day.  Is this what a proper life should feel like?  Am I so used to chaos and uncertainty that something steady feels unadventurous?  Why do I feel this urge to run away all of the time?  Why do I feel signed out?  Where went my passion?  Where went the blue eyeliner and the drive to make something different of myself?  Or was that just angst that one outgrows? 

 

I want to feel passionate about everything that I am doing--every moment that I am in. Maybe that's dramatic to say, but I do want to be 100% present in the time that I am in.  I want to be really listening when someone talks, really playing with my daughter, really tuning into myself when I am having "me-time."  This is a start.

 

I think they call it, "mindfulness."

 

Tonight, I am baby-free, and have made a point to be boyfriend-free for the first part of the night as well so that I might do the following:

meditate

run the diffuser

yoga

make rose oil for my stretchmarks (and to smell up the house and be meditative)

create music

possibly record

possibly draw or paint

 

I am lucky that I have a boyfriend who recognizes my need for these things.

 

I need to reconnect to myself, and what makes me tick when everything else is away.

 

I just want to feel like myself again.