I Wish I Could Feel More Than What's Around Me

Untitled, originally uploaded by Aëla Labbé.

I've been thinking a lot lately. I'm in no state of unrest, but... just thinking.

Do you know the feeling when you're glad you let a significant other go- it was the good and smart thing for you to do, even if the last thing you wanted to do.

But it's still hard. Particularly, when it involves more than just that one person- that ex. It happens to involve friends that I can rarely see anymore. And the time that I do spend with those friends, while dear to me, is overshadowed with this sense of resolve. It will never be the same again. And it wasn't because of me or them is the sad thing. We can't do anything to change it, to fix it. It was all him and that "her."

I'm not angry anymore. What is done is done and we all reap the consequences. I just fell too hard in the first place and my life is literally forever changed.

This is dumb, but I think the maternal instinct in me thinks "It should have been me. I always thought it would be mine and yours."

But it's his and hers. And that is the end of it.

I wonder if I'll tell my kids about him or if I'll completely leave him out of my stories. I think it's too big of a part of my life to leave out- it shapes me. But maybe someday it won't. Maybe someday, I'll let myself think about things more- I'll be able to feel again, but not feel the pain that comes with feelings. I realized last night that I haven't cried in months. As a person that generally feels intensely, this is greatly abnormal for me and honestly... I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it. It's hard when there are no rules to follow. There is supposed to be a balance between laws (or things people/your mind tells you) and feelings (the things that your heart tells you)- that's where you discover your opinions. But I am without opinions on anything, as of late. And I have no opinion on that either.

My comfort is that, through all of this, I notice what is going on around me more. I seem to be purposely oblivious to what is going on inside me. But I notice the little things that I took for granted. The inanimate things have just as much of a voice as those people around us. Mother Nature is just usually nicer.