The Place We Are

I have been compiling a new playlist. I need new music, slower music, fall music. Autumn. What have you. This song was on it ("The King Beetle on the Coconut Estate" by mewithoutyou), and I had been told the lyrics were wonderful. I looked them up. I got about halfway and had goosebumps all over my body, shrinking and reappearing--relentless sensations of tingling that I've come to love and view as homage to whatever artistic source they come from. It was all from simply reading these lyrics. By the end, I almost started crying. What a beautiful story- everything phrased perfectly, telling a story that I miss feeling so deeply.

As the moon rose and the hour grew late
The day-help on the coconut estate
Raked up the dried leaves that fell dead from the trees
Which they burned in a pile by the lake

The beetle king summoned his men
And from the top of the rhododendron stem,
"Calling all volunteers who can carry back here
The Great Mystery has been lit once again"

One beetle emerged from the crowd
In a fashionable abdomen shroud
Said, "I'm a professor, you see, that's no mystery to me
I'll be back soon, successful and proud"

But when the beetle professor returned,
He crawled on all six, as his wings had been burned
And described to the finest detail all he'd learned
There was neither a light, nor a heat, in his words

The deeply dissatisfied king
Climbed the same stem to announce the same thing
But in his second appeal sought to sweeten the deal
With a silver padparadscha ring

The lieutenant stepped out from the line
As he lassoed his thorax with twine
Thinking, "I'm stronger and braver and I'll earn the king's favor
One day all he has will be mine"

But for all the lieutenant's conceit
He too returned singed and admitting defeat
"I had no choice, please believe, but retreat
It was bright as the sun, but with ten times the heat

And it cracked like the thunder and bloodshot my eyes
Though smothered with sticks, it advanced undeterred
Carelessly cast an ash cloud to the sky, my lord
Like a flock of dark vanishing birds"

The beetle king slammed down his fist
"Your flowery description's no better than his!
We sent for the great light and you bring us this?
We didn't ask what it seems like, we asked what it is!"

His majesty's hour at last is drawn nigh
The elegant queen took her leave from his side
Without understanding, but without asking why
She gathered their kids to come bid their goodbyes

And the father explained, "You've been somewhat deceived
You've all called me your dad, but your true Dad's not me
I lay next to your mom and your forms were conceived
Your Father's the light within all that you see

He fills up the ponds as He empties the clouds
Holds without hands and He speaks without sounds
He provides us with the cow's waste and coconuts to eat
Giving one that nice salt taste, and the other its sweet

Sends the black carriage the day death shows its face
Thinning our numbers with kindness and grace
And just as a flower and its fragrance are one
So must each of you and your Father become

Now distribute my scepter, my crown, and my throne
And all we've known as wealth to the poor and alone"
Without further hesitation, without looking back home
The king flew headlong into the blazing unknown

And as the smoke ring hurled higher and higher
The troops flying loops around the telephone wires
They said, "Our beloved's not dead, but his highness instead
Has been utterly changed into fire"

Why not be utterly changed into fire?
Why not be utterly changed into fire?
Why not be utterly changed into fire?
Why not be utterly changed into fire?

I want You back. The thing that bothers me about church and the people in it is that they seem so stuck on one thing--I do not mean that disrespectfully. I want to respect, be best friends, and be absolutely head over heels in love and like with God--I miss that, even the degree I had it at one time. But I also never want to lose sight of the beauty that is around me--the field, the music, the fire. I don't want to view it as "God's wonderful cReAtIOn!!!" or anything of that nature. It is, but... I don't want to be a phony. I don't want to have to fit a mold. I love this life I lead, I don't want to change it. I don't think God wants people to recite a planned response to what we see. I want to see what I see/hear what I hear as so beautiful that I can't say a thing, or that I just write until I can phrase it in a way that somehow captures the beautiful feeling I have when I witness it. I think He wants real people that are made in the same exact way that He made them, striving to be like Him. I don't think cookie cutter Christians are a good thing at all. Southern Baptist culture is odd. I'm much more liberal than any person I know that came from where I came from, and I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. I guess I always felt as if churchy people judged me for being different, but I realized I judged them for all being the same. I refuse to pretend to be something I'm not, and so I felt as if I couldn't be a part of the church or God while doing the things that I do. I am not murdering people. I am not having crazy orgies with children. I am dancing. I am getting a drink or two on the weekends (maybe three : /). I am trying to stop smoking cigarettes. I felt guilty. But, I know a friend who reads his Bible every morning while smoking a bowl. And he's one of the closer people to God that I know. He gets Him. And I've heard some of the most sincere senses of peace and admiration come from his voice when he talks about God. I may be off on this and I'd rather not be responsible for anyone taking this to heart, but I believe that we were all created differently and that is what makes us strong not weak. I refuse to end every sentence with "pray about it;" as good as prayer is, I am ADHD. Prayer is not my strongpoint. I can try to get better, but I don't think God made me to be leading people to Him through my expert focus abilities and flowery language in prayer. *Knock on wood* However, I have intuition, I have empathy, I have a passion. And those are things that I don't think were supposed to be ignored as they were not a part of the formula of a "good Christian." I just want to love God and love people and maybe do something worthwhile. There's more to the Christian walk than church. In fact, many "lost people" won't step foot in a church; and isn't that who Jesus came to save in the first place? He hung out with prostitutes and tax collectors and went about His Father's business, which involved hanging out at caves, going out on a boat in a storm, and causing a massive ruckus at a historical gathering at which he threw tables everywhere... He didn't sound like the quiet, kind of boring man that we always imagine. He sounds like somebody I would want to hang out with, somebody I would like to be friends with. Somebody I would like to be a bigger part of my life. Somebody I want back. I don't get all of it. But I'm okay with that. And I'm finally okay with me being okay with that.

This is an honest opinion, not a sermon. You're welcome to disagree; most likely you do.

I also have a piece of cotton in my line of vision that I have been able to see backstroking laps across my eyeball since yesterday. It's only mildly annoying...