Maybe

Untitled, a photo by Aëla Labbé on Flickr.

Over the past two years, I have had a great many heartbreaking experiences happen. I've reeled emotionally, and the only way that I could get that to stop was to not think about it. Any time I thought something that would cause me to get involved past a certain point, either emotionally or mentally, I would shut that thought process off. Not think about it. I think it's best for me at this point to go on and get something I've been thinking about out of my system. Keep in mind that this is TOTALLY out of my comfort zone and completely uncomfortable and vulnerable for me. But also, this blog was a journal before anyone used to read it. This is more for me than entertainment purposes. I've always had to write out my frustrations and thoughts versus speaking them.

Sometimes I try to act like things are not a big deal to me, and they're not sometimes! But deep down, I'm still a girl. Deep down, I'm still a hopeless romantic. Deep down, I still want to feel what I imagined as a little girl. So here is what I have written.

Everyone's growing up. Finding love. Getting married. Having babies. Sometimes those last two or three are reversed. Sometimes the first happens because the last did. And the weirdest part of it is that, at the same time that it feels as if this age is too young for all of that to happen, it also feels.... quite normal. It is so sad and beautiful to watch. Makes me feel like I missed something I was supposed to learn- like what to say when you love someone, or how to love someone, how to treat him like a man. How to be a lady. While I was supposed to be learning to clean and cook, I was writing words down and hiding in the woods, playing orphans and Nazi's, playing Indians. And I wouldn't trade any of it. I wish..... I don't know what I want. But I watch the earth and I try to learn something. I just want to sit down, soak in everything, really enjoy the view. It's not the "being forgotten" that scares me as much as that I may wake up one day, old and gray, and realize that I really did want all of those things I saw happen all around me - love, children, my own stove, a teammate, heart surges and goosebumps, pictures of my own family on my dresser, a love holding my hand, little feet that look like both mine and my best friend's. I'm afraid that in my pursuit for really experiencing life itself and seeing the beauty in the world, I will suddenly wake up and realize that..... I missed my chance. I'm not brave. I'm shy. Sometimes, I wish that someone would break through that wall I've built up. Because I'm not strong. Sometimes I would like to think that I was worth the fight. And that you didn't regret it. That I was worth spending time with and really getting to know. I both love and despise the girl that I am - the girl that is best friends with guys, hates girls, turns everything into a competition, etc. I enjoy all of these things (some of which are regrettable, I admit), but also, I want to believe that you still think that I'm small, that I'm still something to be protected and loved, not just the girl that skinnydips or likes to take turns driving on roadtrips. Sometimes I just want you to say that it's something worth trying- that you noticed me when I wasn't forward, that you noticed me even though I was shy and found it hard to open up. These past few years for me have been something I would never wish on anyone, but I haven't given up hope. You could still be out there. Maybe someday you'll say something, and it will be perfect. .... Maybe so....