The Sadness

I have an idea for a song. I had a conversation recently that I really connected with. It was about the feelings that make us feel dark, it was about sadness, heartbreak, etc. This was said, "Whatever you do, do not become bitter. Depression or heartbreak will eventually get better, but bitterness takes a lot longer to get over." And in return, the following statement was made: "I'm not bitter... I'm just sad."

It struck a chord with me.

I started thinking about the trap people feel that they are in sometimes. It's this inner struggle that goes on within us--no one else can see it, but it is sometimes more noticeable than a new haircut or a new pair of shoes. You want to help, but you can't really. It's the sadness. It creeps in with the cold; it burns you when they leave you; it seeps in while you're sleeping, and makes your awakenings seem less like a vacation and more like a routine.

Everyone has felt this, I think. Despite there being nothing to say when you witness someone in this situation, there should be some words written that at least offer a sense of comradery and understanding to them.

I feel that rarely are we trying to be happy in life,* but we are simply trying to not be sad.

I understand that sometimes that is just as difficult.

I wish there was something I could say. You are always cared for. You mean more than you realize. You hold a special place in my heart.

*I don't know many people that are actively pursuing happiness. Most of us are apathetic or in the middle-ground if we are realistic with ourselves.

Oswald's Mill and "I Believe in Sciiiiaaance"

So I decided I want to live here when I grow up. Okay, at least visit or pine after it.

Oswald's Mill in New Tripoli, Pennsylvania

Outside. Ahhhhh!

I just want you for my own. Is that so horrible?

I learned something interesting today. To demonstrate my point, please oblige me in looking at these two pictures of the same woman.

Oh, hi. Ok, which is more attractive?

Well, supposedly if you're a girl, you don't really care as a rule (although I did think one was more attractive--I chose correctly). If you're a guy, you choose the larger pupil. Every time. Proven. Males have a built-in biological preference to girls with large pupils, which is odd because (drum roll...) girl's pupils are their biggest when a girl is ovulating.

Ewww gross! It's like a subconscious "trying to pass on the family crest" thing or something. I don't think of attraction in scientific terms as a rule, but it is a HYURGE part of it. It's crazy. Science and the human body and the way they work together are absolutely insane. I apologize if this seems off-color; this stuff just fascinates me.

I should have been a biochemist for sure. Damn those little testing rats.

No-No's

Things that I cried to that I wasn't supposed to cry to:

- The Wonder Years

- Benji

- People eating*

- Classical soundtracks (preferably Streams or the Pearl Harbor soundtrack). It would always start out as an "I wonder if I can make myself cry if I listen to this" and ended up as an uncontrollable sob fest. It works, I guess. I am not a bad actress, I promise.

- Singing with my family.

*Me and my sister, Brooke, have this odd pity for people that are eating, particularly when they open their eyes really wide as they chew/swallow. I can't explain it. However, her husband is the most adorable, sad person to watch eat. My sister and I try not to make a big deal about it--so as to not embarrass him, of course-- but we exchange knowing, heartbroken glances toward each other and then usually text each other something like, "Poor thing! He's just trying to nourish himself! He's just doing what he can to stay alive." My family is extremely close, particularly me and Brooke, probably mostly due to our individual quirks and our mutual understanding of them.

Things that I laughed at that I wasn't supposed to laugh at:

- The Notebook

- Catcher in the Rye

- When people cry on the phone (I've been on both sides of this and either way is a horribly sad, awkward, embarrassing situation--no one should be laughing. I think that's why it's so hard not to...)

And finally, people that I wish I knew, but don't.

Yes.

David Davis, the bad ass, scuffling while he be gettin his hair did.

I think I may have just fallen in love.

The Place We Are

I have been compiling a new playlist. I need new music, slower music, fall music. Autumn. What have you. This song was on it ("The King Beetle on the Coconut Estate" by mewithoutyou), and I had been told the lyrics were wonderful. I looked them up. I got about halfway and had goosebumps all over my body, shrinking and reappearing--relentless sensations of tingling that I've come to love and view as homage to whatever artistic source they come from. It was all from simply reading these lyrics. By the end, I almost started crying. What a beautiful story- everything phrased perfectly, telling a story that I miss feeling so deeply.

As the moon rose and the hour grew late
The day-help on the coconut estate
Raked up the dried leaves that fell dead from the trees
Which they burned in a pile by the lake

The beetle king summoned his men
And from the top of the rhododendron stem,
"Calling all volunteers who can carry back here
The Great Mystery has been lit once again"

One beetle emerged from the crowd
In a fashionable abdomen shroud
Said, "I'm a professor, you see, that's no mystery to me
I'll be back soon, successful and proud"

But when the beetle professor returned,
He crawled on all six, as his wings had been burned
And described to the finest detail all he'd learned
There was neither a light, nor a heat, in his words

The deeply dissatisfied king
Climbed the same stem to announce the same thing
But in his second appeal sought to sweeten the deal
With a silver padparadscha ring

The lieutenant stepped out from the line
As he lassoed his thorax with twine
Thinking, "I'm stronger and braver and I'll earn the king's favor
One day all he has will be mine"

But for all the lieutenant's conceit
He too returned singed and admitting defeat
"I had no choice, please believe, but retreat
It was bright as the sun, but with ten times the heat

And it cracked like the thunder and bloodshot my eyes
Though smothered with sticks, it advanced undeterred
Carelessly cast an ash cloud to the sky, my lord
Like a flock of dark vanishing birds"

The beetle king slammed down his fist
"Your flowery description's no better than his!
We sent for the great light and you bring us this?
We didn't ask what it seems like, we asked what it is!"

His majesty's hour at last is drawn nigh
The elegant queen took her leave from his side
Without understanding, but without asking why
She gathered their kids to come bid their goodbyes

And the father explained, "You've been somewhat deceived
You've all called me your dad, but your true Dad's not me
I lay next to your mom and your forms were conceived
Your Father's the light within all that you see

He fills up the ponds as He empties the clouds
Holds without hands and He speaks without sounds
He provides us with the cow's waste and coconuts to eat
Giving one that nice salt taste, and the other its sweet

Sends the black carriage the day death shows its face
Thinning our numbers with kindness and grace
And just as a flower and its fragrance are one
So must each of you and your Father become

Now distribute my scepter, my crown, and my throne
And all we've known as wealth to the poor and alone"
Without further hesitation, without looking back home
The king flew headlong into the blazing unknown

And as the smoke ring hurled higher and higher
The troops flying loops around the telephone wires
They said, "Our beloved's not dead, but his highness instead
Has been utterly changed into fire"

Why not be utterly changed into fire?
Why not be utterly changed into fire?
Why not be utterly changed into fire?
Why not be utterly changed into fire?

I want You back. The thing that bothers me about church and the people in it is that they seem so stuck on one thing--I do not mean that disrespectfully. I want to respect, be best friends, and be absolutely head over heels in love and like with God--I miss that, even the degree I had it at one time. But I also never want to lose sight of the beauty that is around me--the field, the music, the fire. I don't want to view it as "God's wonderful cReAtIOn!!!" or anything of that nature. It is, but... I don't want to be a phony. I don't want to have to fit a mold. I love this life I lead, I don't want to change it. I don't think God wants people to recite a planned response to what we see. I want to see what I see/hear what I hear as so beautiful that I can't say a thing, or that I just write until I can phrase it in a way that somehow captures the beautiful feeling I have when I witness it. I think He wants real people that are made in the same exact way that He made them, striving to be like Him. I don't think cookie cutter Christians are a good thing at all. Southern Baptist culture is odd. I'm much more liberal than any person I know that came from where I came from, and I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. I guess I always felt as if churchy people judged me for being different, but I realized I judged them for all being the same. I refuse to pretend to be something I'm not, and so I felt as if I couldn't be a part of the church or God while doing the things that I do. I am not murdering people. I am not having crazy orgies with children. I am dancing. I am getting a drink or two on the weekends (maybe three : /). I am trying to stop smoking cigarettes. I felt guilty. But, I know a friend who reads his Bible every morning while smoking a bowl. And he's one of the closer people to God that I know. He gets Him. And I've heard some of the most sincere senses of peace and admiration come from his voice when he talks about God. I may be off on this and I'd rather not be responsible for anyone taking this to heart, but I believe that we were all created differently and that is what makes us strong not weak. I refuse to end every sentence with "pray about it;" as good as prayer is, I am ADHD. Prayer is not my strongpoint. I can try to get better, but I don't think God made me to be leading people to Him through my expert focus abilities and flowery language in prayer. *Knock on wood* However, I have intuition, I have empathy, I have a passion. And those are things that I don't think were supposed to be ignored as they were not a part of the formula of a "good Christian." I just want to love God and love people and maybe do something worthwhile. There's more to the Christian walk than church. In fact, many "lost people" won't step foot in a church; and isn't that who Jesus came to save in the first place? He hung out with prostitutes and tax collectors and went about His Father's business, which involved hanging out at caves, going out on a boat in a storm, and causing a massive ruckus at a historical gathering at which he threw tables everywhere... He didn't sound like the quiet, kind of boring man that we always imagine. He sounds like somebody I would want to hang out with, somebody I would like to be friends with. Somebody I would like to be a bigger part of my life. Somebody I want back. I don't get all of it. But I'm okay with that. And I'm finally okay with me being okay with that.

This is an honest opinion, not a sermon. You're welcome to disagree; most likely you do.

I also have a piece of cotton in my line of vision that I have been able to see backstroking laps across my eyeball since yesterday. It's only mildly annoying...

Untitled

It's a struggle of being pulled this way

(whether it's mine or yours or both, I don't know)

and trying to hold myself back.

It's an excited hello, a slightly-sorry-for-myself-goodbye

and an "I'm not here" all at the same time.

...At least an "I'm trying to not be all here."

I want to check in completely sometimes.

Sometimes, I feel like I did lately--it never feels wrong.

It always feels right.

Honestly, I look forward to you a great deal.

I wonder if you will always be just something to look forward to.

Every song that I listen to feels like the music is speaking to me in particular.

I want to write back about it--about these things I think, the things I feel.

It is all so vulnerable.

At the end of the day, everyone can read your thoughts

and you have nothing to hide behind,

not even someone's misinterpretation of your thoughts if you have done your job well.

The idea of someone knowing you so well is a beautiful, horrendous thing.

"your beard is growing wild my dear

i love your face

rosy cheeks and pale skin makes me feel this way

like a little girl inside

i just want to hug you day and night, night

let your eyes grow big and your heart beat full"

-Sea of Bees "Skinnybone"

On another note, I think I may have just jumped on the Lady Gaga bandwagon,

as well as made a commitment to start working out again. And the crowd goes wild!!!

Ok, bye.

XX

And so this will be a superficial post dedicated to items that are well over my budget, but that i can still look at. I am an expert window shopper.

Dresses that I want.

Dresses that I would like to have and rarely wear. When I'm famous, designers will send me sample dresses like this to wear when I attend ritsy parties; I'll sip champagne, hold my shoulders back and try to act interested in conversations regarding the "wonderful weather lately" and your mother's health and his "lovely" grandchildren--all in an accent that is trying so desperately to be untraceable and formal, but has the slightest trace of that of a Southern Belle--I will be simply charming. But I'll still jump in the fountain or go swimming on the way home.

Um, yummy. I think my desire for these clothes could be counted as lust.

Oh, so cute and obnoxious.

It is a NEED

And finally, random things that I have fallen in love with.

Me and this chair would snuggle so hard.

GALAXY NAILS!!!!!

Cute neck'aces, one being for a normal person, one being for someone who always wants to be a color wheel. I will pretend like I am both of those people, for I would wear both necklaces with utmost pride.

Bright red beanie. I've been looking for one this whole year and haven't found it. :/

And so this concludes my girly post.

Also, I would like to add that girls are crazy people. Despite my being usually very successful at resisting "crazy girl" thoughts, every once in a while I catch myself starting to think those thoughts--the thoughts that girls feel are inherently ingenious at the time, but then realize (usually thanks to a good conscience, hormones other than estrogen or a kind-hearted man in their life) that they are completely illogical and the reasoning cannot be explained or even understood, except possibly by other crazy girls. Inevitably, the girl suffers the most from these crazy person thoughts because she still doesn't get what she wants (because she failed to communicate what she wanted, but instead insisted upon coldly acting like she didn't care so that maybe "that someone" will "reap the consequences" or something--maybe they will tearfully apologize for their insolence and beg her to do what she wanted in the first place until... "Ok, I guess I'll do it." *pout angry face.... I want to slap every girl in the world right now just thinking about it. Haha) and she is frustrated that no one understood that absolutely baffling logic. Oh, no. I know. It's crazy. It is a GREAT thing to be able to catch yourself BEFORE you start thinking this way. However, I cannot say that I don't feel the pull at times. It is a legitimate part of our genetic code, I believe--this "crazy."

To enjoy life in its basest form

Waking up later than usual.

Not being in a rush.

Bundling up under blankets.

Being able to remember my dreams.

Climbing trees.

Walking barefoot.

My own house.

Every person in my life that I hold close - you mean a great deal.

Tickle wars with my nephew.

Someone taking the time to smile back.

A light at the end of the tunnel.

The tunnel, in the first place.