Things I Wish I'd Known

Vulnerable post...... Sigh. .....I want to be even half the woman that I thought I would be as a little girl. I want to respect myself. I think it’s a good thing that, as a rule, I’m very comfortable in my own skin. That I don’t put on a show for people. But somewhere along the way, I just started doing whatever I wanted to at the time and lazily thinking that it didn’t really matter. “Whatever I’m doing is just because it’s me and what I feel like doing at this second.” I admired my own care-freeness more than I did my innocence. By trying to never grow up and trying to hold onto my childlike sense of curiosity and excitement, I somehow lost the thing that is to be valued most about childhood. I’ll never be a saint, and I don’t want to be. But I do want to know that I can say no. That I can say yes. That it’s fine to feel conviction and to let yourself act on it.

I feel like one of those preachy people, I'm sorry. I’m very hard on myself. I make it sound like I’m this horrible person. Honestly, most of the things I do I don’t really see a problem with. I’ll always be more “out there,” daring and goofy than most girls are. I always was. But the thing that bothers me is that I feel like I have very little standards. There are a small handful of things I say no to. There’s nothing wrong with saying no. There’s nothing wrong with not doing something because you’re uncomfortable with it. There’s nothing wrong with not pleasing everyone. I feel like there's a point where you wake up and just think, "What do I stand for? Who am I? Am I proud of what I've become?" I feel like this is that moment. It's kind of embarrassing because I feel it pretty strongly.

I just want to be who I saw in me when I was little—who I hoped to be. I want to get back a bit to that girl. The girl that looked up to people. The girl that knew so little. The girl that cared.