...

What to say? For the most part, it’s ok. I’m fair most of the time with random bouts of sadness. I understand. Really, I agree. But it doesn’t make it hurt less or make it ok in any way. I had just come to the point where I was comfortable. I mean, I had just made embarrassingly titled playlists for myself. I had just come to the point where you weren’t anything to be afraid of or nervous around ever. I had just come to the point where I bragged on you. I had just come to the point where you were one of the closest people to me. It just sucks. I can give up; it’s a game I’ve never won and don’t really expect to.

It’s odd because I want to be fine with being sad for a bit (and not shut off emotions), while at the same time, I want to talk myself into realizing that since I do agree, I can’t be upset for too long. It’s “for the best,” isn’t it?

But you left a mark in my music library! And I rescued a drawing of yours from the trash can. And your thumb sticks up. And you showed me wonderful places. And I lost the pictures from the parking lot with the chicken, and I don’t really remember what all we even did that night. And you remembered everything I ever said. And you had a particular happy smile that sometimes I thought only I got to see. And we worked so well together.

I want to allow myself to think of things—to be sad if I want to be, to be happy if I want to be, to be real with myself, first and foremost.

But I hate being sad. And I don’t hide emotions well anyway. If I’m sad, I’m the girl that has to slam on her breaks, pull over on the side of the road, hug my steering wheel and cry, whether someone that has no idea of the situation is in my car or not. (Sorry about that, by the way—probably was kinda awkward). And the worst part about it is I couldn’t even explain myself after I stopped crying. I just put it back in drive and continued on my way, ignoring it and acting like it never happened. I literally can’t be sad for the sake of everyone else in my life. I have to be strong, be fine and let it not bother me for everyone else’s good. And unfortunately that sometimes hurts people too.

You have to understand that I can shut off emotions fairly well. But in order to do that, I have to shut myself off in every way from a person. I have to give back all of their things, delete playlists, convince myself I hate them, throw cd’s out of the window. It sounds dramatic, but it works fairly well. Later, friendship is a definite option. But I can’t do that either in this situation. So it’s confusing and sort of stressful because I want everyone to be ok. I just want everyone to be happy. I want it better than it even used to be. And I want to be happy too.

It will be ok. It will all work out. I guess the hardest thing is just trying to figure out…. What do I do? Like on off days, when I’m off work. The way I tick is having things to look forward to. When your main thing you looked forward to seeing is gone, the things you invent to look forward to appear to be small and petty replacements. Taking myself out on a date, Chili’s giftcards and fun, random shows don’t seem too exciting anymore. That’s the hard part. Being someone who is easily excited and constantly craving that excitement can be a curse as much as a blessing.

One question - when did love become such a sad song? It’s funny how fickle it is.

It’s odd. Someday, maybe.

One Of Us Must Know (Sooner Or Later) by Bob Dylan

I didn't mean to treat you so bad
You shouldn't take it so personal
I didn't mean to make you so sad
You just happened to be there, that's all
When I saw you say goodbye to your friends and smile
I thought that it was well understood
That you'd be coming back in a little while
I didn't know that you were saying goodbye for good.

But sooner or later one of us must know
But you just did what you're supposed to do
Sooner or later one of us must know
That I really did try to get close to you.

I couldn't see what you could show me
Your scarf had kept your mouth well hid
I couldn't see how you could know me
But you said you knew me and I believed you did
When you whispered in my ear
And asked me if I was leaving with you or her
I didn't realize just what I did hear
I didn't realize how young you were.

But sooner or later one of us must know
But you’re just doing what you're supposed to do
Sooner or later one of us must know
That I really did try to get close to you.

I couldn't see when it started snowing
Your voice was all that I heard
I couldn't see where we were going
But you said you knew and I took your word
And then you told me later as I apologized
That you were just kidding me, you weren't really from the farm
And I told you, as you clawed out my eyes
That I never really meant to do you any harm.

But sooner or later one of us must know
But you just did what you're supposed to do
Sooner or later one of us must know
That I really did try to get close to you.