Preaching to Me

I had an epiphany. I read an article today that kinda spoke to me. It seemed very feminist from a guys perspective. I felt as though I were sort of snickering along with the guy that wrote it, maybe retracing his thoughts of "women will eat this up!" But the more I read it, the more my smile faded and reality set in. I realized the author was talking to me, not just "them." It was about women and how even women themselves call each other "crazy people" and such. I know I have. The article sort of made me realize why I do this. For me personally, I think it's not as much an "I dislike girls" as it is "I am slightly uncomfortable with expressing feelings" and that's what girls are known for. This came as a surprise to me, because I always thought of myself as someone who was fine with expressing emotions and was fairly honest with expressing thoughts, no matter how "bad they may sound." But I think that I think of "feelings" and "emotions" as two different things. Emotions are the things you feel when you get goosebumps or you have your head out of the window or you can't stop smiling. Feelings are the things you try to convince yourself that you never get hurt. Feelings seem, to me, to be much deeper. Anyway, while reading the article, I remembered a particular instance in my life that I think is a large reason as to why I think this way about feelings.

It was in highschool. He liked girls a bit too much. Aren't all guys like this? I guess this is ok. He was an ex-drug user and near-alcoholic that had had a "lifechange" when we started dating--he'd been clean for a year or two. Sounds like excellent dating material, right? All of a sudden, he started calling me obviously drunk all of the time (after having just told me how he would never drink again because he was scared he would get back into "that lifestyle." I hate that word, by the way--lifestyle. Gross.)

I finally got the courage to bring it up with him one day. However, he turned it around on me and aggressively began to bring up how I had gotten several speeding tickets lately. I know right? An insignificant and completely unrelated fact, but it was one that he knew I really beat myself up about. The speeding tickets weren't the deal. It was how I felt irresponsible because of them and how my dad (who I respect a great deal) had said something about the tickets to me in front of my boyfriend. The tickets were kind of a form of family tension, at the time, and my boyfriend knew that.

I don't know why I started crying. It seems kind of silly now. I guess he just took a very vulnerable moment for me and turned it over. I started crying pretty hard. He didn't apologize. He didn't address what I had just talked to him about. He didn't hug me. He just stood there watching, feeling awkward, trying to laugh-off the fact that he didn't know what to do--he had just "won an argument" because I was crying and nothing more was being said. My feelings were hurt on a deep level. It felt like betrayal for some reason. It felt like he had brought up the one thing he knew he could win an argument with (when I had finally gotten the courage to bring up something I had a problem with). I never brought up anything with him ever again.

"The first problem for all of us, men and women, is not to learn, but to unlearn." - Gloria Steinem

Being vulnerable isn't always a bad thing and having feelings aren't necessarily bad.