Love Language

So I just spent the last thirty minutes at a library researching beautiful semi-friend humans that I probably shouldn't have been looking at (but of course I do, because I'm a girl).

Seriously, why do you have to be so cool, so pretty and so perfect? Or uh, why do you have to be such a skank? Or why do I have to even be thinking about you? Why do I feel weird when you come around? Why do I feel like I am competing with you at all? This is no competition.

For the most part, I don't get like this. Most of the time, I really don't care. Ugh. I guess I just feel like inadequate as a girl today? I should have boobs and nice skin and pretty hair too! Or skinny arms. There were two people that I didn't know that talked to me last night after the show--one was a creepy Mexican with an XXXL t-shirt down to his knees and the other was a blonde curly-haired fifty year old who I talked to about the Beatles and Buddy Flett. I'd like to have a normal conversation with them (maybe not the creepy Mexican), but both called me "baby" or "sweetie," talked too close and made me feel extremely uncomfortable until I made up some excuse about having "to use the restroom real quick. Nice to meet you." All my friends that I could have normal conversations with were surrounded by the girls with the short dress and heels. It's supposedly about legs and lip gloss.

Seriously? A handsome face on a guy doesn't mean jack to me. "Ooo, awesome! He's got a six-pack. I'm going to try to sleep with him." Am I the only one that thinks this is ridiculous? Is there any other human in the world that finds this gross and disrespectful to humanity?

I am not arguing against appeal or attraction or any of the like. I am just saying that I think they are all highly overrated on a broad scale. I don't think someone's appearance makes them who they are; I tend to think that appearance is more like a "Oh yeah, and this is what they look like."

I guess, I usually don't care about the fact that I don't wear short dresses or anything and that most girls look more like women than I do. But at a certain point, you start to notice what gets people talking, what makes those girls feel pretty, etc. At a certain point, you think about maybe trying, just to see if you can pull it off. It all feels so superficial and weird, unnatural honestly. Shouldn't the person themself be sexy and not just their clothes? I feel like all of that should be for one person and not for the whole world. I think that's only respectable. Really, all I ever want is a hug, a normal conversation with other humans and maybe someone to tell me I look pretty-preferably someone who's not just trying to get in my pants-that would be cool. It's not how big her boobs are or how tight his pants are on him. All of that is so secondary to who they are. Not about how much makeup she put on today. Not her cigarettes to bum or his car to catch a ride in. There's a reason I hugged everyone I saw as a kid. It was the only way that I could think of to really show my friends that they meant something to me. A lot of something. I wish people didn't think hugs and platonic conversation were so weird.

Somewhat vulnerable post. I may be a softy, typical hopeless romantic or oblivious girl. But I really do believe all of this quite strongly. I would like to think I'm not the only one, at the root of us.