i want a bangle

Firstly, I think I would have been great friends with Edie Sedgwick. I really do. I feel like it's a friendship I missed out on because I was born in the wrong generation.

Second of all, there is something so disappointing about friendships dying. I'd like to think that the reason I have my group of good friends is because I thought they were worth all the time I could put into that friendship and vice versa- and we meant something to each other. Like they would've chosen me if they had the choice of being my friend or doing something else. But when it becomes apparent that past friends no longer think the friendship is worth their time... it's just so sad. Granted, everyone changes, everyone gets older, etc. But I hate watching something fall out of my reach. And then there is the question, is this friendship worth fighting for if I'm the only one fighting for it? You feel some sense of martyrdom when all you want is comradery. It's one of the saddest things I can think of- up there with growing old and losing your memory.

Thirdly, I ate lunch with a lady that looked like she had tiny beads for her eyes. They were so shiny and small and perfect. It was baffling.

"It's been a long, long time since I memorized your face. It's been four hours now since I wandered through your place. And when I sleep on your couch I feel very safe. And when you bring the blankets, I cover up my face. I do. Love you. I do. Love you. And when you play guitar, I listen to the strings buzz. The metal vibrates underneath your fingers. And when you crochet, I feel mesmerized and proud. And don't say I love you by saying it out loud. It's hard. So I won't say it at all. And I won't stay very long. But you are the life I needed all along; I think of you as my brother although that sounds dumb. Words are futile devices."

I can't begin to explain what a heartbreak you were...