Something I Should Probably Talk About

It's confusing how often a man has asked me if I'm still "in love with him" or "not over him."  I fell in love with what I saw in the man.  But the more I realize that that was a facade, the easier it is for me to "get over him."  I would never ever date him again after learning who he has proved himself to be in the past several years. 

So what is this feeling that I have of sadness--like I'm trying to hold and comfort myself in the wake of this break up, even though I feel no sense of regret of my decision to not be with the person?  This is not the first time this has happened to me.

It is a protective mechanism.

The thing that I have seen over and over again in my relationships is this overall performance from my lover, saying "I love you!  You're my best friend!  You make my heart soft!" followed by actions that go completely against that.  Anytime I have been upset after a breakup, I either starve or gorge myself, stay in all day, don't want to see anyone, and overthink everything about the relationship and the breakup, trying to find some kind of peace in myself and my decisions.  I'm not trying to hurt the person that I said I loved--I'm typically just trying to either take care of myself... or self-harm to make me feel in control of something in my life, while I am thinking constantly of them and upset.

But my counterparts don't do this.  It appears that the minute that they break up, they move on mentally, emotionally, and physically. 

I don't understand the disconnect.

I understand a disconnect if the counterpart is not actually in love--maybe I was just a way to satisfy sexual desires or was someone to hang out with when they were lonely.  But in my experience, I have felt that I offer more than sex and hang outs with these people who have responded with sexual "freeness" after a breakup.  In my experience, I have felt that these relationships were loving partnerships, where both partners loved and felt loved in return.  So the immediate disconnect is not something that I can readily understand. 

However, I do realize that people deal with grief in different ways.  Maybe their version of "self-harm" or "starving themselves" is embodied by a taking control of the reigns--fucking everything in their path to prove to them that at the end of the day, they are still in control of themselves.  For me, my body is my control--I can waste away and feel proud if it's my doing, even though I know it's not healthy--it makes me feel good about myself.

For them, maybe their body is their control--they can fuck beautiful, average, or even unattractive women and feel proud if it's their doing--it makes them feel good about themselves to be wanted and to be in control.  It's not about knowing it's hurtful to their partner--they're most likely trying not to think of their partner in the first place.  It's a state of denial of real and true, mournful feelings perhaps.

But it makes me feel as if they didn't love me at all.  Ever.  It makes me feel as if all of the relationship was a lie--that they just needed sex that they didn't have to actively pursue every night.  Or rather that if they couldn't find anyone else to have sex with or to make them feel desired, they know you'd be waiting at home.  An average Plan B.

The thing is that I could let myself feel bad about this or think of reasons I shouldn't trust or things I did to cause this.  But realistically I have only ever had control of my own actions, and I'm quite pleased with how I handle myself usually.

So these dudes who screw me over or "selfishly" move on immediately--they are most likely not dealing with their feelings in the same way that I am.  And I don't have to feel as if "I don't get laid as often, so I'm going to be upset about this and feel sorry for myself."  I could get laid any day of the week if that was the goal, but I know that would be a vicious cycle of me not dealing with my emotions (at this time anyway; maybe one day I'll be sexually "free").  So I'll let them fuck up their own lives with meaningless sex that will cause them to continue to not be able to give themselves fully to their relationships.  And I will practice my main goal, which is to be strong and healthy, mentally and emotionally (and hopefully physically if I exercise.) ;)

I feel strong. 
I feel like a better me for being strong. 
I am free.
And I am enough.

Words of Encouragement to Myself

Words of encouragement to myself:

You are enough.

Don't beat yourself up about the things you would've done differently if you could redo them.  Learn from them and move on.

Don't beat other people up about the things they could've done differently if they could redo them.

I have complete control over whether someone can hurt me or not.  Center yourself.  You are in control.

No one owes me anything, and I owe no one else anything.

Don't ever depend on someone so much that you feel they owe you their ear, their time, or their help.

You are enough.  By yourself, you are enough.

In Control

I am feeling so withdrawn lately, so spent.  I want a day of rest.  I want an hour to lay down and look upwards and zone out without having to set an alarm clock or count down for how much time I actually have to try to not think about things.

I am tired of "being there" for people whenever they need me for however long they want to stay.

I am tired of giving hugs when I don't want to give hugs, and having to physically put myself into the arms of a person I may or most often may not want to feel a physical connection with.  It is nauseating.

I am tired of trying to keep up appearances or say the right thing.

I am tired of feeling guilt when I say the wrong thing or something that sounds bad.

I am tired of having to apologize to even my friends for taking time to myself.

I can't be there for you anymore.

Must be here for me.

Must take time for me.

Must make time to breathe for me.

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Take a bath.

Breathe.

Enter your quiet realm.

These nervous and anxious feelings have no hold of me. 

They are just feelings.

I cannot control my feelings, but I can control how I respond to them, and what feelings I allow to not overwhelm me.

Shhhhhhh.

I am in control.

Plant Love (Spreadsheet and Research)

 

Welcome to my version of the dream life, where I look up chemicals and house plants and how they affect each other, all while wearing a surgical mask because I am afraid of catching a strain of the most recent flu outbreak lurking on literally probably EVERY pen I ALMOST grabbed and approximately 1.2 mm away from where I laid my hand on that door handle to the outside, the coughing, dingy, lurking germy outer world.

Hi. I'm still here.

So, I have recently transformed my house into a jungle. That is what my house is affectionately called--The Jungle. I have done this because I have always wanted a house just teeming with green. (ahem) I have also done this because, in the past, I have killed every plant I owned within weeks, and only recently have I realized that I am a person who works very well with schedules and reminders of important to-dos. Once I started setting these reminders for work, play, and PLANTS, my life has become a much more organized and stress-free, enjoyable time. And now that I actually water my plants, they live on to see their 1st month birthday. We haven't graduated to annual birthdays, quite yet--this family is doing monthly birthdays. It's a little different, but hell, they get 12 birthdays a year, so they shouldn't be complaining. (I give them fertilizer every birthday-- they just love it).

Gawd.....

So anyway, I just recently realized that I have so many plants now that I was getting them confused--their watering and light patterns. Some of the leaves were turning yellow or drooping, some were getting dry.

So I decided that I had to take care of it in the best way I know how--make a spreadsheet. I have attached said spreadsheet in case any of my numerous followers ought want to admire my handiwork and possible use it as a template for their own spreadsheet if they are the organization queen they claim to be. (Prove it, bishes). Jk I just love myself, so I'm posting it to admire years from now.

House Plant Spreadsheet

Well, while I was creating my spreadsheet, I started noticing that several of my house plants had a air purifying quality in them as noted by NASA Clean Air Study of 1989 --certain plants are good at removing certain chemicals including (but not limited to, of course) benzene, trichloroethylene, formaldehyde, and xylene. THESE CHEMICALS ARE IN MY HOUSE????!!!!! Yeahhhhh, apparently they are. I made note of which plants clean what chemical out of the air in my spreadsheet, as any thorough organization queen would. However.... WHERE ARE THESE CHEMICALS COMING FROM????

Benzene:
- Found in crude oil, gasoline, resins, adhesives, "rubbers, lubricants, dyes, detergents, drugs, explosives, and pesticides" (1) and is a human carcinogen. "The major sources of benzene exposure are tobacco smoke, automobile service stations, exhaust from motor vehicles, and industrial emissions." (1)
- "Increases the risk of cancer and other illnesses, and is also a notorious cause of bone marrow failure. Substantial quantities of epidemiologic, clinical, and laboratory data link benzene to aplastic anemia, acute leukemia, and bone marrow abnormalities." (1)
- There is no safe exposure level; even tiny amounts can cause harm. (1)

Trichloroethylene:
- Found in contaminated ground water, particularly highly exposed in hot shower water. "Based on available federal and state surveys, between 9% to 34% of the drinking water supply sources tested in the U.S. may have some TCE contamination..." (2)
- Produces depression in the central nervous system, causing anesthesia. Causes "headache, dizziness, and confusion and progressing with increasing exposure to unconsciousness" (2) Causes liver and kidney cancer.

Formaldehyde
- 7th most prevalent allergen in patch tests.
- Found in permanent press finished clothing, cosmetics, construction materials, hardwood plywood, particle board
- Allergies can causes skin lesions and dermatitis.
- "Symptoms may affect personal awareness, making one feel tired or fatigued". (3) Those exposed to high levels reported headaches, coughing, and lung problems like asthma and bronchitis.

Xylene:
- Found in ink, rubber, adhesives, and paint thinner, and used in the leather industry.
- Causes depression of the central nervous system, causing "headache, dizziness, nausea and vomiting" as well as "headaches, irritability, depression, insomnia, agitation, extreme tiredness, tremors, impaired concentration and short-term memory" (4) with long-term exposure.
- A skin irritant, stripping the skin of oils and causing it to be more vulnerable to other chemicals.

These chemicals have made their way into our every day products. BUT the amazing thing about that is that these plants can cleanse the air and help to promote a cleaner environment in the home. So basically all of this to say, that I hope that when you enter The Jungle, you feel a sense of calm and peace. While I am sure that the organization and small sense of control I have gained in my life lately has greatly influenced my overall stress levels and sense of well-being, I am not entirely sure that the plants haven't done their fair share to promote this new peace and calm in my home as well. And it's cool to see that while these plants aesthetically change a room, they also chemically change the vibe of a room as well. Plants really are as good as they look. And how often does that really happen in life? <3 p="">
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<3 p="">If reader is interested, the link below has NASA's list of the plants which remove said chemicals.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/NASA_Clean_Air_Study#Chart_of_air-filtering_plants
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<3 p="">Sources (Objectionable as well as Incorrectly Cited, but at least I didn't plagiarize)
(1) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Benzene
(2) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trichloroethylene
(3) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Formaldehyde
(4) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Xylene

Beautiful When Not Trying

And because after writing that last post and falling short of finding a picture that summed up my feelings, I post this now.  Because as much as I can make plans for my life and how to better myself, I also want to enjoy color and art and what not for what it is and not read into EVERYTHING.  Sometimes things are beautiful just because they catch your eye.  Sometimes you can make beautiful things and be something beautiful without trying, even with your faults.

Perfectionism . Introversion . Exhaustion

If I do great things, and no one ever knows about them, am I still relevant? 

If I write great songs and play them alone in my house, can I really be an esteemed writer?

If a tree falls in the woods, and no one is there to hear it, does it still make a sound?  Does it still matter?

I guess these are all ridiculous questions asking the same idea.

Does success require extroversion?  Because it seems like in order to be appreciated or to be successful, you must publish your work and be striving for some type of attention, some recognition. 

Obviously the idea of being appreciated or respected is appealing to me.  However, the idea of publishing my work gives me anxiety. 

But why?

Is it the judgment or feedback on my work that scares me?  Or the accountability?  I think the thing that scares me the most is pressure, really.  If I do something good, than I have to do something better next time.  What is the point of being creative if you're a downward slope?

I think I've been waiting to be the best me before I publish anything or make it public.  Waiting to organize a grand thought.  I believe I am capable of great things.  But nothing feels great enough at the time.

Perhaps my perfectionism is holding me back from growth.  No doubt that it is, in reality.

So I would like to make a few goals for myself based on the things that I feel that are holding me back from being the best me.

Strengths/Weaknesses that are not entirely bad things, but ARE things that are holding me back:

Perfectionism
Introversion
Exhaustion

(and the goals that are being birthed through this realization, as follows):

Perfectionism: 
     -     I would like to start working every night on recording or writing.  If it's not perfect, it's okay!  I would like to work on demos of a full album with all of the instruments.  It doesn't have to be perfect.  But it DOES need to be done.

Introversion:
     -      I would like to start going to lunch with people.  I have found that my nights typically tend to be very busy as a single mother raising a wonderful child that I WANT to have my full attention when I'm with her, on top of maintaining a house and having quality me time.  In the past, I typically dedicate my lunch breaks to doing dishes and other household chores around the house or sleeping. However, when I'm NOT doing housework that NEEDS to get done and CAN'T be done at night, I would like to spend that time visiting with people and maintaining my ability to connect and care with friends.  Whether I crave this or not is not the issue--it is good for me to hear about other people's problems and to invest in other people's lives.  Not to mention, this kind of thing--interaction--is where inspiration is drawn from.  It is not pointless in any shape or fashion.

Exhaustion:
     -     I would like to start going to bed later and waking up earlier.  I know, I know.  Sounds counter-productive to curbing exhaustion.  HOWEVER, the fact of the matter is that when I go to sleep at 8p.m. and wake up at 6:45a.m., I am getting almost 11 HOURS OF SLEEP.  That is much too much. In fact, I am only supposed to be having between 7.5 and 8 hours of sleep a night.  SO.  New bedtime is 10:00 p.m. and new wake up time is 6:00 a.m.  That gives me my goal amount of sleep.  This also allows about 2.5 hours of time AFTER my daughter goes to sleep for me to play music and record, do dishes, clean, read, watch TV, have "me" time, etc.  And waking up at 6, gives me 30-45 minutes to do dishes or clean if I need to, and to do yoga and meditate BEFORE starting my day.  This will help with my exhaustion.  It will also most likely help with my perfectionism and introversion as well, as I will have time to meditate and think and have "me" time as a way to start my day off.

I am tired of taking my strengths/weaknesses and just assuming that they control how I act and what I will do and what I will create.

"Although of course you end up becoming yourself." - David Foster Wallace

I control what I do and how I act, and I am strong and more than the things I define myself by.  Those things are not limitations.  I control my future.

Who am I and what matters to me doesn't have to be a reflective question.  The future is now.  The future is beautiful, and if I work hard and makes goals, it's just the way I want it to be.

Learning How to Daughter

Today, I tried to practice what I preached.  Today, I tried to be in the moment.  And I had a really fantastic day with my daughter.  We played hide and seek and baked cookies.  We read lots of books--she made me read a Farm Animal Sounds book seven times in a row because she knows what dogs say and was excited to learn some other animals' sounds too.  I can see her wheels turning lately.  I can say something like, "Where is the pig's eye?"  And she points to it.  "Where is momma's nose?"  And she points to it.  Sometimes she points to her own nose instead.  She doesn't really understand the who part yet. :)

But we had a fantastic day.  She went to bed late, and was pissed about it--seemingly because she didn't want the wonderful day to end.

I love being a mom.  I love what she teaches me.  I love learning with her.

She gets so frustrated about simple things--today, she was holding one of those nose sucker things while I was changing her clothes, and the item was too large for her to continue holding while I put her arm in the sleeve.  So I tried to take it from her, and she resisted, looking at me with a  frantic face like she was about to throw down about holding this nose sucker.   So I let it go and asked if she would put it down on the table and I patted the table to signal to her where to put it.  She happily put it down.  It wasn't the act of losing the nose sucker (why couldn't it have been a more romantic object now that I'm telling the story?!) that upset her.  It was the act of me taking it from her.  She wanted to do it on her own time in her own way.

And I ought encourage that.  I ought be present to be familiar with what her own way looks like so that I can encourage it and encourage our bonding instead of a power struggle between us.

She's my daughter, but there's no reason I should treat her as beneath me.  Me and my mom do things completely different, and I am happy I was allowed the space for me to learn how I like to do things.

So I continue this quest of learning how to deal with my one year old and treat her with respect.  And humble myself in the process with how simple "getting along" can really be.

I can't believe I am so lucky to be living this life I lead.

I love her independence.  I love everything about her.  She's my girl.