Letting Myself Think and Feel on Paper

To be completely honest, this may be the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with.

I sit here and feel my baby kicking in my stomach.  I feel a great amount of love towards her.  I also feel a slight sense of entrapment and my dreams dying with every kick.  At the same time, I am scrolling through social media and see pictures of her dad--drunk, enjoying life with our old mutual friends who I never see anymore, playing music, getting to travel, having friends, having energy, etc., and it makes me so angry.  Jealous.  Bitter.  Because I know that this is only the start of it.  Something that was both of our faults, now I alone get to deal with for the rest of my life.  And it is not my responsibility because "that is what is fair."  It is my responsibility because he is not being responsible.  It is my responsibility because he deserted me in my time of need.  It is my responsibility because he deserted us.  It is my responsibility because he doesn't want to be a father, but didn't have enough maturity or concern with my feelings to keep that from happening, even when I mentioned multiple times that we should be more careful.  But he will post pictures of this baby and claim her as his own. He will show her off like his trophy daughter.  And I will become the "nagging baby mama" who takes all of the fun out of everything because I am bitter.

I don't want to be bitter.

I do feel, however, that none of my dreams and aspirations with music, friends, or travel (all of the things that have made me happy in the past) would have had to have gone away had he just done what a good man would do and help me 50/50 for something that was 50/50 our fault.

It makes me angry.

On top of all of the future changes that will occur, another thing that is upsetting to me is the fact that he is not the man that I thought he was over the past two years.  I saw the potential in him--I saw the best, I encouraged him, I began to believe he was great.  And now, I don't see those things anymore.  I have caught him in more lies than I can count.  I have seen him verbally assault me and my baby.  I have seen him beg me to abort my baby and say that it was selfish of me to keep her and ruin his life.  I remained strong.  I have seen hate in his eyes at my decision, as well as a look of general apathy and lack of love and encouragement following that decision.  I had seen the opposite in his eyes toward me semi-consistently for two years previously--a look of admiration, love, and one of a slight sense of respect--a sudden change that occurred after my decision to keep the wonderful human that we created.  I have seen him tell me a few of his unrestrained feelings regarding the situation, but never asking me mine.  I have seen him try to manipulate me and put me in a box so that he can control me. Part of me is very bothered by the fact that a person can make you believe they are a certain way for so long, and then change completely into someone you scarcely recognize.  How, then, can you ever know if a love is true and forever?  Another part of me, however, believes that he did have that potential--he can be great.  He's just scared to be great; he drinks and smokes because he doesn't want to think about love or leaving people he cares about or really caring about people at all.  A part of me still believes he might come around--if not for me, for our daughter.  And that hurts my heart to feel that way because I think that means I still love him in some way.  What that love means or is, I do not know.  But that means I am not in control; it means that he still has control over me.  It means that I am still waiting on some ideal response.  I hate that.

I made a decision for the good of my baby, and am facing the hardest time of my life.  I don't view these hard times as a result of me keeping her.  I don't regret keeping her.  I regret falling in love with him.  I regret giving him a part of my heart.  I wish he were out of my life all together.  I would love to block him from all forms of social media--he and his friends so that I never have to hear about or see him again--that would be ideal.  It would be doable.  Except I now have to have him in my life for the rest of my life.  I don't have the option to cut him out of my life, because I have now made a father out of him.  And I can't pass my hatred of him on to my daughter--I refuse to do that.  So I just have to suck it all up and try to be nice and civil--wish him "Happy Father's Day," "happy birthday," "congrats!" to new jobs, etc.,--when under a different situation, I wouldn't think he is worthy of my friendship or my time.

I love my daughter already.  She is the first thing I think about when I wake up, and I am excited to wake up, which is important I think.  I just don't feel like myself right now.  I feel like I have too many emotions in my head to organize them.  And at the end of the day, those emotions don't really matter anymore.  I see myself fading.  I see myself not wanting to feel anything at all.  I feel like I am in a constant state of zoning out.  I am an auto-pilot machine that is not very well taken care of but functioning at a basic level--rusty appearance, primal capabilities, but getting the obvious work that needs to be done completed.  I am keeping up appearances.  I have no idea what I am thinking or what kind of person I am right now.

But I think I am a good person.  I think I will be a good mom.  I hope.  It's all I have.

Another thing that I am struggling with is the idea that I am writing this as some form of explanation of why I am bitter, as if I have to argue my side of the story.  Why?  Winning the argument doesn't prove anything.  Winning isn't going to make things better, make me a better mom or person, or give me peace.  At the end of the day, things are what they are right now.  And they won't always be this way, for the better or worse.  I am trying to be thankful that he is a part of my life in some small form right now.  I am trying to be thankful that we are at least seemingly getting along.  I wonder if he has any idea of how I really feel.  I don't want to tell him.  I don't know that it would do any good or what outcome I would be looking for.  And telling him how I feel would be inviting a very explosive fight as well as making me seem too vulnerable.  I don't want to be that close to him in any way, even if it's asking for help.  I hate being ignored.  I also people feeling sorry for me.  It feels pointless to tell him.  I still have my music.  Talking about how hard life is doesn't make life any easier.  I just have to be strong.  This is hard.  I feel strong and about to break at the same time.  And I know this is only the beginning.

Everything in the world is as it should be at the end of the day.

There's no use in mourning what could have been.  Instead see the good in what is.

I really am excited about this new journey of my life.  I just am very afraid and hurt at the same time.  And this is the first time I can't say how I feel without feeling like I am not being who I should be for my daughter. 

It's the first time it isn't about me.  And that's an unnerving feeling.

I want to pour all of the love and hurt and heartache and feelings into my baby girl and just hold her right now.  She really did know what she was doing, I think, by coming into my life.  

"You knew all along that I needed you just as much as you needed me."

A New Generation

I'm going to have a daughter.

Odd to say.  Odd to see.  And all-around perfect at the same time.  It is strange how many different emotions a human can feel at one time.  I feel excited, scared, unworthy, able, too young, lonely, discarded, loved, judged, free.  At the end of the day, they are just emotions, and life goes on as planned (or as the opposite of the plan).  But I think it does help to have an outlet for those emotions.
I view this as a wonderful time to start blogging again.

At the end of the day, I feel a little human inside me playing.  While my dreams and aspirations may change a bit, the change is a beautiful one.  This is a new journey.  I will do my best to be ready and be the best that I can be.

Things I Learn as I Get Older

Things I’m realizing:

-          Just because you love someone and they love you back does not mean that either one of you is good for the other.

-          If you feel sad about a choice you made, it does not mean you made the wrong choice.

-          Sometimes, it’s okay to be selfish and look out for #1, first and foremost.  (Everyone else is, after all).

-          As you get older, it becomes apparent that some people are and some are not worth investing time in.  We have a limited number of hours in a day (and realistically, a limited number of days in our lives) with which to spend with friends and people we care about, so be sure that the people whose lives you are investing in as well as the people who are investing in yours are people that are worth your affection.  Cuz humans can be so wonderful and/or so fucking shitty.  Make good choices with whom you surround yourself.

I just want to be treated like I would treat somebody else, really.  I think that’s the problem.  I’ve been with people who treated me kinda shitty and with people who treated me like gold.  They don’t work out for me.  It’s not the people, I don’t think.  I think it’s the way they make me feel. 

I date ass holes for two of the following reasons: (#1) - there’s no risk of them getting attached because they’re ass holes anyway and view you as a temporary fix to them being single.  “I mean, I care about you, but I just don’t want to fall for you.”  Yeah, there’s nothing to fall for because the heart you do have is folded and tucked away in the bottom of a drawer with socks and condoms on top of it and there’s no room in that drawer for me to climb in and cuddle with you.  You’re not even there; you don’t even know where it is anymore.  “It’s somewhere in that drawer, why do you keep bringing it up?! God!”  You had no intention of showing it to me.  It just kinda happened to get lost somewhere in the mix.  It’s a damn shame you lost touch with feeling.  (#2) – There’s a slim chance of me getting attached to the ass hole type of dude, because I would like to think that I won’t take him too seriously.  But then, I usually end up getting semi-attached and believe the ass hole dude to merely be “misunderstood” or to genuinely have a “good heart,” he’s just “damaged.”  That’s probably true—he probably is fairly damaged—but is that really a reason to date someone?  Do we date for the potential we see in someone or how they really are, how they make us feel, what we see in them as in present tense, not some imaginary sense.  Someone who has problems ought to be actively fixing those problems instead of just making excuses for them...  Because they’re an ass hole.

I’ve also been with people who treated me awesome, which was just fricking weird.  Don’t get me wrong, you taking me to dinner, watching movies, etc. is all super nice.  But it’s all so normal and boring and clingy-feeling.  If it’s all flowers and candles and you’re perfect to begin with, I feel like you’re following some “To Do” list that some other girl made for you as her project, and now you think you’re God’s gift to womankind because you would hypothetically please any woman with your romantically in-tune gestures.  I’m not every girl.  A slingshot would mean more to me than a flower.  A bird’s feather would mean more than chocolate.  Think again, bruh—it’s boring.  BORING.

I want to open my own door sometimes, I want you to wrestle with me sometimes (trust me, you’re not going to break me), I want you to step on my toes so I can tell you it bothered me and see you learning, trying to make me happy in the future. 

I’m tired of putting so much effort into the wrong types of relationships!  I have invested myself in all types of dudes, but I find that my problem is always that they don’t treat me the way I want to be treated, and I allow that to continue because I’m empathetic and feel like it ought be a “give and take.”  That’s all fine and good, but I ought be responsible enough in the future to recognize when someone is treating me well, when they’re not, and how to fall or not fall in love with a person who is merely going to break my heart in the future.  It’s simply not worth it. 

So I will spend more time at the forefront of a friendship/relationship ensuring that the person that I am spending time with is worth my time and investment in the first place.  And I will be unapologetic in saying no or yes to future dates, because the date is owed honesty and I should feel comfortable enough in my own sense of perception of character and the interworkings of two characters to own up to my decisions.  If I could have kept myself from liking some of the people I liked in the past before I started liking them, I would be a much less bitter person and probably have learned just as many lessons; they would have just involved self-control instead of heart-break.  And I wouldn't have hurt anyone in the process either. 

 “Let go, or be dragged.”

—	Zen Proverb (via mistakse) Quote,

The End.

Oh, also, there's this on what love isn't.

A Good Girl

I'll be tough.  I'll be classy.  I"ll be strong.  I won't fight back.  If I do, it will be with calm words and in a deserving tone.

There's nothing worse than someone saying they don't want to be with you romantically because "you're too good."  It makes me wish I didn't respect myself or that I could just get shit-faced, drop a bunch of acid, and sleep around with people, cuz Lord knows it'd probably be fun.

I feel like I'm standing up for a cause by being a "good girl," but for what reason?  What point am I trying to make?  It's not like I'm super religious or anything anymore.

I'm fine with standing out for these reasons.  I'm obviously going to.  But I hate being turned down because of the very things for which I feel like I should be appreciated.

Sometimes I want to do something really shocking just to make people believe that I'm not a good, naiive girl, that I can't be controlled.  That I can be a mean person or a slut or a wild child or make everyone feel uncomfortable. To make people realize that I won't always stand in the corner I'm put in, I won't stay where you leave me, and I'll be my own damn person, however I feel right then. FUCK!

Get in my way, I dare you.  I'm ready to fight.

Why do I feel this way?

I'll be tough.  I'll be classy.  I"ll be strong.  I won't fight back.  

I can't tell you what I will or won't do.  I don't know what I want to do, but I'm okay with it.

Skin Coat

I just want to create memories after all.  I don't want to get a full night's sleep in.  I don't want to have tomorrow planned out.  I want to go with the flow.  I want to be carried away in life.  I want to run outdoors naked like an Indian.  I want to be free.

I'm also thinking about the fact that my skin is notoriously bad these days.  As an experiment, I solemnly swear to go without carbonated beverages of a non-energy-based formula for the month of October (from this point forward) as well as add several new habits into my daily schedule such as the following: washing my face/neck/back before bed, applying lotion before bed, applying J&J oil directly following showers, drinking more water, etc.  Consider this my route to Shannyn-Sossamon-style happiness.  (My skin will obviously darken and become less freckled as a direct result of my choices to improve my health and overall clarity.)

Dog problems, dog problems, dog problems.  

And once my skin becomes a goddess-like coat cascading my bodily frame, I will begin to re-enter the art of photography, taking nudies so I can draw my first naked body (cuz I just realized I've never drawn a naked body, much less my own).  Until then, I'll just wear lots of clothes and makeup and pretend like I run a fashion blog and care only of aLl ThINgs ALEXA CHUNG and BAMBI NORTHWOOD-BLYTH and ERIN WASSON.

It's whatever.

Changing My Mind

I can’t make you feel a certain way.  I can’t make you feel something you don’t feel.  It never hurts to present the idea to you—give you the opportunity to think of the situation from my perspective—to show you what you’re working with.  But the bottom line is that I can’t change how you feel, no matter what I say.  No matter what I don’t say.  No matter what I write.  No matter what I sing.  No matter what I play.  No matter what I wear.  No matter what I don’t wear.  No matter what I surprise you with.  No matter how much I help you.  No matter how much space I give you.  No matter how happy I was.  No matter how unhappy I am.  No matter how thin I get.  Is all of this a senseless beg for your attention?  Or do I just do this to myself because I like it?  I don’t know.  The root idea is that you still feel the way you feel, and I cannot change it.

But you know what I’m learning?

That’s not a reflection on me.  It’s not that I’m not wording it correctly or that I’m stupid because I feel a certain way that you don’t.  It just means I feel this way, you feel that way.  Neither of us are wrong.  Neither of us have to make each other understand.  Sometimes people just disagree.  

I don’t have to apologize for feeling the way I feel.  Neither should you. 

Humans are beautiful things. I’m beautiful.  You’re beautiful. 

I don’t always feel this way.  But I can remember a time that every person I know held some beauty and mystery and magnetism.  It’s all still there somewhere.

Sometimes I wish I didn't care so much about emotions.

Sometimes I wish I could get dressed without remembering where I was when I wore the outfit last.

Sometimes I wish nostalgia could be just another big word that I don't care about.

I think about you all of the time.

Everybody knows it.

I feel a fool.

And the worst part is that I don't even care.

I just try to do what a normal person would do.

But I don't feel that way at all.