Things I Learn as I Get Older

Things I’m realizing:

-          Just because you love someone and they love you back does not mean that either one of you is good for the other.

-          If you feel sad about a choice you made, it does not mean you made the wrong choice.

-          Sometimes, it’s okay to be selfish and look out for #1, first and foremost.  (Everyone else is, after all).

-          As you get older, it becomes apparent that some people are and some are not worth investing time in.  We have a limited number of hours in a day (and realistically, a limited number of days in our lives) with which to spend with friends and people we care about, so be sure that the people whose lives you are investing in as well as the people who are investing in yours are people that are worth your affection.  Cuz humans can be so wonderful and/or so fucking shitty.  Make good choices with whom you surround yourself.

I just want to be treated like I would treat somebody else, really.  I think that’s the problem.  I’ve been with people who treated me kinda shitty and with people who treated me like gold.  They don’t work out for me.  It’s not the people, I don’t think.  I think it’s the way they make me feel. 

I date ass holes for two of the following reasons: (#1) - there’s no risk of them getting attached because they’re ass holes anyway and view you as a temporary fix to them being single.  “I mean, I care about you, but I just don’t want to fall for you.”  Yeah, there’s nothing to fall for because the heart you do have is folded and tucked away in the bottom of a drawer with socks and condoms on top of it and there’s no room in that drawer for me to climb in and cuddle with you.  You’re not even there; you don’t even know where it is anymore.  “It’s somewhere in that drawer, why do you keep bringing it up?! God!”  You had no intention of showing it to me.  It just kinda happened to get lost somewhere in the mix.  It’s a damn shame you lost touch with feeling.  (#2) – There’s a slim chance of me getting attached to the ass hole type of dude, because I would like to think that I won’t take him too seriously.  But then, I usually end up getting semi-attached and believe the ass hole dude to merely be “misunderstood” or to genuinely have a “good heart,” he’s just “damaged.”  That’s probably true—he probably is fairly damaged—but is that really a reason to date someone?  Do we date for the potential we see in someone or how they really are, how they make us feel, what we see in them as in present tense, not some imaginary sense.  Someone who has problems ought to be actively fixing those problems instead of just making excuses for them...  Because they’re an ass hole.

I’ve also been with people who treated me awesome, which was just fricking weird.  Don’t get me wrong, you taking me to dinner, watching movies, etc. is all super nice.  But it’s all so normal and boring and clingy-feeling.  If it’s all flowers and candles and you’re perfect to begin with, I feel like you’re following some “To Do” list that some other girl made for you as her project, and now you think you’re God’s gift to womankind because you would hypothetically please any woman with your romantically in-tune gestures.  I’m not every girl.  A slingshot would mean more to me than a flower.  A bird’s feather would mean more than chocolate.  Think again, bruh—it’s boring.  BORING.

I want to open my own door sometimes, I want you to wrestle with me sometimes (trust me, you’re not going to break me), I want you to step on my toes so I can tell you it bothered me and see you learning, trying to make me happy in the future. 

I’m tired of putting so much effort into the wrong types of relationships!  I have invested myself in all types of dudes, but I find that my problem is always that they don’t treat me the way I want to be treated, and I allow that to continue because I’m empathetic and feel like it ought be a “give and take.”  That’s all fine and good, but I ought be responsible enough in the future to recognize when someone is treating me well, when they’re not, and how to fall or not fall in love with a person who is merely going to break my heart in the future.  It’s simply not worth it. 

So I will spend more time at the forefront of a friendship/relationship ensuring that the person that I am spending time with is worth my time and investment in the first place.  And I will be unapologetic in saying no or yes to future dates, because the date is owed honesty and I should feel comfortable enough in my own sense of perception of character and the interworkings of two characters to own up to my decisions.  If I could have kept myself from liking some of the people I liked in the past before I started liking them, I would be a much less bitter person and probably have learned just as many lessons; they would have just involved self-control instead of heart-break.  And I wouldn't have hurt anyone in the process either. 

 “Let go, or be dragged.”

—	Zen Proverb (via mistakse) Quote,

The End.

Oh, also, there's this on what love isn't.