Encouragement for Creative Moms

You know. It's easy to be tired.  It's easy to go to bed early and not do the things that you think you want to do.  It's easy to find inspiration during the day and then say you will work on that inspiration tomorrow.

 

I feel like I'm losing momentum on art and music.  I feel like I'm getting comfortable again instead of pushing myself.  That is a feeling that I absolutely despise.  But when it is nine o'clock at night and I know I have to be up at 6:30 the following morning, it is easy to think that I should get my rest and that I will have more energy tomorrow.  But this is never true.  Momma is tired.  Momma will always be tired.  For now, anyway.

 

::CONFESSION:: I have a tendency to get really excited about things and then lose momentum and stop doing the things I was excited about.  Jumping the gun, then jumping ship.  This is what I consider to be one of my biggest closet weaknesses that I try to hide, and absolutely one of my biggest insecurities.  No one wants to be the girl that spends thousands on workout gear and then decides she'd rather stay in bed.  No one admires that girl.  No one even admires the girl that sells all of that workout gear when she realizes she's just a lazy fuck.  I'm having a really hard time not seeing myself as that right now.  I can feel the familiar "giving up" feeling, the embarrassment of that dejection starting to take hold.

 

But I admire the girl who may be slow, but stays the course.  Just because I've been slow or have been tired is not a reason to give up on the things I know I love and the things that I know I want to do.  I'm intimidated by how little I have done and how good other people are.  The amount of practice they have had is comparable to their talent and I...  Well I have chosen an early bed time and easy lunch breaks over practice.  Also, sometimes I feel like I want to do too many things for me to focus on any one single thing.  The confusion of prioritizing gets dizzying.

 

So today, on my lunch break, I am going to start on a little drawing.  I am going to start using my time a little better.  I can take my time becoming great.  But I've also got to use my time correctly in order to become great.  Sleep is overrated.  We'll all be dead soon enough.

 

Life is for living.  Life is for growing.  Life is for enjoying and not beating yourself up about things that are really quite silly.  If you want to travel, then travel!  If you want to art, then art!  If you want to music, then music!  Naps are for when you can't go on anymore.  Coffee is for the other times, if you want to continue to provide for your family AND enjoy creative, rejuvenating outlets.  In a perfect world, I could enjoy naps daily.  But this isn't a perfect world, and so I must create my own perfection.  Life is not for sleeping away feelings and fears.

 

So get those self-depreciating, self-debilitating thoughts away from you!  You've kept a blog for almost ten years--slow but continual.  You are not a notorious quitter.  Those thoughts and ideas you have of yourself are your insecurities speaking to you.  You are full of solo travel and confidence and vulnerability and adventure.  You are full of musical talents, intelligence and ideas--future and past, and most definitely present as well.  You are full of curiosity and raw, hidden talent, and PASSION in art and graphics!  You are full of potential and you are full of creative energy!  And you are also a single mom with a full-time job as well as a second job, and you are figuring out ways to balance everything.  I hate even having to separate those last two sentences, because it makes the second sentence sound like an excuse or an apology--it is not.  The separation of the two sentences is merely to avoid causing a run-on sentence.  The fact that I have to explain the separation ought demonstrate both my active membership in the Grammar Sticklers Association and my passion for empowering moms to CREATE BECAUSE YOUR CHILDREN ARE NOT CRUTCHES.  THEY ARE A PART OF YOUR BEAUTIFUL LIFE AND YOU ARE STILL A BEAUTIFUL, CREATIVE INDIVDUAL WHO IS FULL OF POTENTIAL OUTSIDE OF YOUR MOMDOM!!! *breathing in and out, slowly and deeply*  I hope you feel enlightened.  Be patient with yourself.  You are already admirable, and you don't have to prove anything to anyone.  But do things for yourself, girl!  You a cool ass chick!

 

(Is it sad that my pep talks have to be in third person?  That I have to pretend I am looking at myself through someone else's eyes in order to offer the correct amount of encouragement and love?  That is a conversation for another day.)

 

For now, use your time to be you.  Use your time to create.  Use your time to become the person you want to be and the mother that you want to be.  They don't have to be mutually exclusive.  In fact, the harmony of the two sounds pretty damn beautiful.  You're doing great.

Single Mama Starts a Business

I started my L.L.C. today.  I started my own business.  My own invitation and graphic design company.  I have completed one Save the Date suite and have two more invitation suites on the books.  I have a website in the works with my art listed.  I'm doing the damn thing.

And then I have doubts.  I painted something for my band's show flier and I keep looking at it and thinking that maybe people feel sorry for me.  Like maybe people are thinking, "She's not very good."  Or "Did Chelsea do that?" in a bad way.  Or "I wonder how long it will take her to realize she sucks.  I feel sorry for her."  I wonder if people will not come to band's show because they don't want to support something associated with my failed art.  I realize that I am overthinking all of this.

But when it comes down to it, I've never really had anyone tell me they like my art.  I am not confident.  I don't know what I'm doing most of the time.  And there isn't really anyone saying, "If you don't pursue your art, you're crazy!"  In fact, it would be much more comfortable and convenient for me to keep working my day job that I hate and making stable income.

But I also have these daydreams of making art that appeals to me.  And maybe it appeals to other people.  And maybe it encourages other people.  And maybe even I can become a successful single mother based on my ideas and my jumping into the unknown business world with courage, drive, vulnerability, and guts.  And maybe I can learn some things along the way and provide a stable life for myself and my daughter by doing something that I never even considered myself worthy of doing.  Maybe she will see her mom as an artist and a creative.

I want to paint abstract paintings.  I want to paint detailed oil portraits. 

I want to get better.  I want to do exactly what I want, and be the stronger for it.

Something I Should Probably Talk About

It's confusing how often a man has asked me if I'm still "in love with him" or "not over him."  I fell in love with what I saw in the man.  But the more I realize that that was a facade, the easier it is for me to "get over him."  I would never ever date him again after learning who he has proved himself to be in the past several years. 

So what is this feeling that I have of sadness--like I'm trying to hold and comfort myself in the wake of this break up, even though I feel no sense of regret of my decision to not be with the person?  This is not the first time this has happened to me.

It is a protective mechanism.

The thing that I have seen over and over again in my relationships is this overall performance from my lover, saying "I love you!  You're my best friend!  You make my heart soft!" followed by actions that go completely against that.  Anytime I have been upset after a breakup, I either starve or gorge myself, stay in all day, don't want to see anyone, and overthink everything about the relationship and the breakup, trying to find some kind of peace in myself and my decisions.  I'm not trying to hurt the person that I said I loved--I'm typically just trying to either take care of myself... or self-harm to make me feel in control of something in my life, while I am thinking constantly of them and upset.

But my counterparts don't do this.  It appears that the minute that they break up, they move on mentally, emotionally, and physically. 

I don't understand the disconnect.

I understand a disconnect if the counterpart is not actually in love--maybe I was just a way to satisfy sexual desires or was someone to hang out with when they were lonely.  But in my experience, I have felt that I offer more than sex and hang outs with these people who have responded with sexual "freeness" after a breakup.  In my experience, I have felt that these relationships were loving partnerships, where both partners loved and felt loved in return.  So the immediate disconnect is not something that I can readily understand. 

However, I do realize that people deal with grief in different ways.  Maybe their version of "self-harm" or "starving themselves" is embodied by a taking control of the reigns--fucking everything in their path to prove to them that at the end of the day, they are still in control of themselves.  For me, my body is my control--I can waste away and feel proud if it's my doing, even though I know it's not healthy--it makes me feel good about myself.

For them, maybe their body is their control--they can fuck beautiful, average, or even unattractive women and feel proud if it's their doing--it makes them feel good about themselves to be wanted and to be in control.  It's not about knowing it's hurtful to their partner--they're most likely trying not to think of their partner in the first place.  It's a state of denial of real and true, mournful feelings perhaps.

But it makes me feel as if they didn't love me at all.  Ever.  It makes me feel as if all of the relationship was a lie--that they just needed sex that they didn't have to actively pursue every night.  Or rather that if they couldn't find anyone else to have sex with or to make them feel desired, they know you'd be waiting at home.  An average Plan B.

The thing is that I could let myself feel bad about this or think of reasons I shouldn't trust or things I did to cause this.  But realistically I have only ever had control of my own actions, and I'm quite pleased with how I handle myself usually.

So these dudes who screw me over or "selfishly" move on immediately--they are most likely not dealing with their feelings in the same way that I am.  And I don't have to feel as if "I don't get laid as often, so I'm going to be upset about this and feel sorry for myself."  I could get laid any day of the week if that was the goal, but I know that would be a vicious cycle of me not dealing with my emotions (at this time anyway; maybe one day I'll be sexually "free").  So I'll let them fuck up their own lives with meaningless sex that will cause them to continue to not be able to give themselves fully to their relationships.  And I will practice my main goal, which is to be strong and healthy, mentally and emotionally (and hopefully physically if I exercise.) ;)

I feel strong. 
I feel like a better me for being strong. 
I am free.
And I am enough.

Words of Encouragement to Myself

Words of encouragement to myself:

You are enough.

Don't beat yourself up about the things you would've done differently if you could redo them.  Learn from them and move on.

Don't beat other people up about the things they could've done differently if they could redo them.

I have complete control over whether someone can hurt me or not.  Center yourself.  You are in control.

No one owes me anything, and I owe no one else anything.

Don't ever depend on someone so much that you feel they owe you their ear, their time, or their help.

You are enough.  By yourself, you are enough.

In Control

I am feeling so withdrawn lately, so spent.  I want a day of rest.  I want an hour to lay down and look upwards and zone out without having to set an alarm clock or count down for how much time I actually have to try to not think about things.

I am tired of "being there" for people whenever they need me for however long they want to stay.

I am tired of giving hugs when I don't want to give hugs, and having to physically put myself into the arms of a person I may or most often may not want to feel a physical connection with.  It is nauseating.

I am tired of trying to keep up appearances or say the right thing.

I am tired of feeling guilt when I say the wrong thing or something that sounds bad.

I am tired of having to apologize to even my friends for taking time to myself.

I can't be there for you anymore.

Must be here for me.

Must take time for me.

Must make time to breathe for me.

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Take a bath.

Breathe.

Enter your quiet realm.

These nervous and anxious feelings have no hold of me. 

They are just feelings.

I cannot control my feelings, but I can control how I respond to them, and what feelings I allow to not overwhelm me.

Shhhhhhh.

I am in control.

Plant Love (Spreadsheet and Research)

 

Welcome to my version of the dream life, where I look up chemicals and house plants and how they affect each other, all while wearing a surgical mask because I am afraid of catching a strain of the most recent flu outbreak lurking on literally probably EVERY pen I ALMOST grabbed and approximately 1.2 mm away from where I laid my hand on that door handle to the outside, the coughing, dingy, lurking germy outer world.

Hi. I'm still here.

So, I have recently transformed my house into a jungle. That is what my house is affectionately called--The Jungle. I have done this because I have always wanted a house just teeming with green. (ahem) I have also done this because, in the past, I have killed every plant I owned within weeks, and only recently have I realized that I am a person who works very well with schedules and reminders of important to-dos. Once I started setting these reminders for work, play, and PLANTS, my life has become a much more organized and stress-free, enjoyable time. And now that I actually water my plants, they live on to see their 1st month birthday. We haven't graduated to annual birthdays, quite yet--this family is doing monthly birthdays. It's a little different, but hell, they get 12 birthdays a year, so they shouldn't be complaining. (I give them fertilizer every birthday-- they just love it).

Gawd.....

So anyway, I just recently realized that I have so many plants now that I was getting them confused--their watering and light patterns. Some of the leaves were turning yellow or drooping, some were getting dry.

So I decided that I had to take care of it in the best way I know how--make a spreadsheet. I have attached said spreadsheet in case any of my numerous followers ought want to admire my handiwork and possible use it as a template for their own spreadsheet if they are the organization queen they claim to be. (Prove it, bishes). Jk I just love myself, so I'm posting it to admire years from now.

House Plant Spreadsheet

Well, while I was creating my spreadsheet, I started noticing that several of my house plants had a air purifying quality in them as noted by NASA Clean Air Study of 1989 --certain plants are good at removing certain chemicals including (but not limited to, of course) benzene, trichloroethylene, formaldehyde, and xylene. THESE CHEMICALS ARE IN MY HOUSE????!!!!! Yeahhhhh, apparently they are. I made note of which plants clean what chemical out of the air in my spreadsheet, as any thorough organization queen would. However.... WHERE ARE THESE CHEMICALS COMING FROM????

Benzene:
- Found in crude oil, gasoline, resins, adhesives, "rubbers, lubricants, dyes, detergents, drugs, explosives, and pesticides" (1) and is a human carcinogen. "The major sources of benzene exposure are tobacco smoke, automobile service stations, exhaust from motor vehicles, and industrial emissions." (1)
- "Increases the risk of cancer and other illnesses, and is also a notorious cause of bone marrow failure. Substantial quantities of epidemiologic, clinical, and laboratory data link benzene to aplastic anemia, acute leukemia, and bone marrow abnormalities." (1)
- There is no safe exposure level; even tiny amounts can cause harm. (1)

Trichloroethylene:
- Found in contaminated ground water, particularly highly exposed in hot shower water. "Based on available federal and state surveys, between 9% to 34% of the drinking water supply sources tested in the U.S. may have some TCE contamination..." (2)
- Produces depression in the central nervous system, causing anesthesia. Causes "headache, dizziness, and confusion and progressing with increasing exposure to unconsciousness" (2) Causes liver and kidney cancer.

Formaldehyde
- 7th most prevalent allergen in patch tests.
- Found in permanent press finished clothing, cosmetics, construction materials, hardwood plywood, particle board
- Allergies can causes skin lesions and dermatitis.
- "Symptoms may affect personal awareness, making one feel tired or fatigued". (3) Those exposed to high levels reported headaches, coughing, and lung problems like asthma and bronchitis.

Xylene:
- Found in ink, rubber, adhesives, and paint thinner, and used in the leather industry.
- Causes depression of the central nervous system, causing "headache, dizziness, nausea and vomiting" as well as "headaches, irritability, depression, insomnia, agitation, extreme tiredness, tremors, impaired concentration and short-term memory" (4) with long-term exposure.
- A skin irritant, stripping the skin of oils and causing it to be more vulnerable to other chemicals.

These chemicals have made their way into our every day products. BUT the amazing thing about that is that these plants can cleanse the air and help to promote a cleaner environment in the home. So basically all of this to say, that I hope that when you enter The Jungle, you feel a sense of calm and peace. While I am sure that the organization and small sense of control I have gained in my life lately has greatly influenced my overall stress levels and sense of well-being, I am not entirely sure that the plants haven't done their fair share to promote this new peace and calm in my home as well. And it's cool to see that while these plants aesthetically change a room, they also chemically change the vibe of a room as well. Plants really are as good as they look. And how often does that really happen in life? <3 p="">
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<3 p="">If reader is interested, the link below has NASA's list of the plants which remove said chemicals.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/NASA_Clean_Air_Study#Chart_of_air-filtering_plants
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<3 p="">Sources (Objectionable as well as Incorrectly Cited, but at least I didn't plagiarize)
(1) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Benzene
(2) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trichloroethylene
(3) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Formaldehyde
(4) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Xylene

Beautiful When Not Trying

And because after writing that last post and falling short of finding a picture that summed up my feelings, I post this now.  Because as much as I can make plans for my life and how to better myself, I also want to enjoy color and art and what not for what it is and not read into EVERYTHING.  Sometimes things are beautiful just because they catch your eye.  Sometimes you can make beautiful things and be something beautiful without trying, even with your faults.