Plant Love (Spreadsheet and Research)

 

Welcome to my version of the dream life, where I look up chemicals and house plants and how they affect each other, all while wearing a surgical mask because I am afraid of catching a strain of the most recent flu outbreak lurking on literally probably EVERY pen I ALMOST grabbed and approximately 1.2 mm away from where I laid my hand on that door handle to the outside, the coughing, dingy, lurking germy outer world.

Hi. I'm still here.

So, I have recently transformed my house into a jungle. That is what my house is affectionately called--The Jungle. I have done this because I have always wanted a house just teeming with green. (ahem) I have also done this because, in the past, I have killed every plant I owned within weeks, and only recently have I realized that I am a person who works very well with schedules and reminders of important to-dos. Once I started setting these reminders for work, play, and PLANTS, my life has become a much more organized and stress-free, enjoyable time. And now that I actually water my plants, they live on to see their 1st month birthday. We haven't graduated to annual birthdays, quite yet--this family is doing monthly birthdays. It's a little different, but hell, they get 12 birthdays a year, so they shouldn't be complaining. (I give them fertilizer every birthday-- they just love it).

Gawd.....

So anyway, I just recently realized that I have so many plants now that I was getting them confused--their watering and light patterns. Some of the leaves were turning yellow or drooping, some were getting dry.

So I decided that I had to take care of it in the best way I know how--make a spreadsheet. I have attached said spreadsheet in case any of my numerous followers ought want to admire my handiwork and possible use it as a template for their own spreadsheet if they are the organization queen they claim to be. (Prove it, bishes). Jk I just love myself, so I'm posting it to admire years from now.

House Plant Spreadsheet

Well, while I was creating my spreadsheet, I started noticing that several of my house plants had a air purifying quality in them as noted by NASA Clean Air Study of 1989 --certain plants are good at removing certain chemicals including (but not limited to, of course) benzene, trichloroethylene, formaldehyde, and xylene. THESE CHEMICALS ARE IN MY HOUSE????!!!!! Yeahhhhh, apparently they are. I made note of which plants clean what chemical out of the air in my spreadsheet, as any thorough organization queen would. However.... WHERE ARE THESE CHEMICALS COMING FROM????

Benzene:
- Found in crude oil, gasoline, resins, adhesives, "rubbers, lubricants, dyes, detergents, drugs, explosives, and pesticides" (1) and is a human carcinogen. "The major sources of benzene exposure are tobacco smoke, automobile service stations, exhaust from motor vehicles, and industrial emissions." (1)
- "Increases the risk of cancer and other illnesses, and is also a notorious cause of bone marrow failure. Substantial quantities of epidemiologic, clinical, and laboratory data link benzene to aplastic anemia, acute leukemia, and bone marrow abnormalities." (1)
- There is no safe exposure level; even tiny amounts can cause harm. (1)

Trichloroethylene:
- Found in contaminated ground water, particularly highly exposed in hot shower water. "Based on available federal and state surveys, between 9% to 34% of the drinking water supply sources tested in the U.S. may have some TCE contamination..." (2)
- Produces depression in the central nervous system, causing anesthesia. Causes "headache, dizziness, and confusion and progressing with increasing exposure to unconsciousness" (2) Causes liver and kidney cancer.

Formaldehyde
- 7th most prevalent allergen in patch tests.
- Found in permanent press finished clothing, cosmetics, construction materials, hardwood plywood, particle board
- Allergies can causes skin lesions and dermatitis.
- "Symptoms may affect personal awareness, making one feel tired or fatigued". (3) Those exposed to high levels reported headaches, coughing, and lung problems like asthma and bronchitis.

Xylene:
- Found in ink, rubber, adhesives, and paint thinner, and used in the leather industry.
- Causes depression of the central nervous system, causing "headache, dizziness, nausea and vomiting" as well as "headaches, irritability, depression, insomnia, agitation, extreme tiredness, tremors, impaired concentration and short-term memory" (4) with long-term exposure.
- A skin irritant, stripping the skin of oils and causing it to be more vulnerable to other chemicals.

These chemicals have made their way into our every day products. BUT the amazing thing about that is that these plants can cleanse the air and help to promote a cleaner environment in the home. So basically all of this to say, that I hope that when you enter The Jungle, you feel a sense of calm and peace. While I am sure that the organization and small sense of control I have gained in my life lately has greatly influenced my overall stress levels and sense of well-being, I am not entirely sure that the plants haven't done their fair share to promote this new peace and calm in my home as well. And it's cool to see that while these plants aesthetically change a room, they also chemically change the vibe of a room as well. Plants really are as good as they look. And how often does that really happen in life? <3 p="">
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<3 p="">If reader is interested, the link below has NASA's list of the plants which remove said chemicals.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/NASA_Clean_Air_Study#Chart_of_air-filtering_plants
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<3 p="">Sources (Objectionable as well as Incorrectly Cited, but at least I didn't plagiarize)
(1) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Benzene
(2) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trichloroethylene
(3) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Formaldehyde
(4) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Xylene

Beautiful When Not Trying

And because after writing that last post and falling short of finding a picture that summed up my feelings, I post this now.  Because as much as I can make plans for my life and how to better myself, I also want to enjoy color and art and what not for what it is and not read into EVERYTHING.  Sometimes things are beautiful just because they catch your eye.  Sometimes you can make beautiful things and be something beautiful without trying, even with your faults.

Perfectionism . Introversion . Exhaustion

If I do great things, and no one ever knows about them, am I still relevant? 

If I write great songs and play them alone in my house, can I really be an esteemed writer?

If a tree falls in the woods, and no one is there to hear it, does it still make a sound?  Does it still matter?

I guess these are all ridiculous questions asking the same idea.

Does success require extroversion?  Because it seems like in order to be appreciated or to be successful, you must publish your work and be striving for some type of attention, some recognition. 

Obviously the idea of being appreciated or respected is appealing to me.  However, the idea of publishing my work gives me anxiety. 

But why?

Is it the judgment or feedback on my work that scares me?  Or the accountability?  I think the thing that scares me the most is pressure, really.  If I do something good, than I have to do something better next time.  What is the point of being creative if you're a downward slope?

I think I've been waiting to be the best me before I publish anything or make it public.  Waiting to organize a grand thought.  I believe I am capable of great things.  But nothing feels great enough at the time.

Perhaps my perfectionism is holding me back from growth.  No doubt that it is, in reality.

So I would like to make a few goals for myself based on the things that I feel that are holding me back from being the best me.

Strengths/Weaknesses that are not entirely bad things, but ARE things that are holding me back:

Perfectionism
Introversion
Exhaustion

(and the goals that are being birthed through this realization, as follows):

Perfectionism: 
     -     I would like to start working every night on recording or writing.  If it's not perfect, it's okay!  I would like to work on demos of a full album with all of the instruments.  It doesn't have to be perfect.  But it DOES need to be done.

Introversion:
     -      I would like to start going to lunch with people.  I have found that my nights typically tend to be very busy as a single mother raising a wonderful child that I WANT to have my full attention when I'm with her, on top of maintaining a house and having quality me time.  In the past, I typically dedicate my lunch breaks to doing dishes and other household chores around the house or sleeping. However, when I'm NOT doing housework that NEEDS to get done and CAN'T be done at night, I would like to spend that time visiting with people and maintaining my ability to connect and care with friends.  Whether I crave this or not is not the issue--it is good for me to hear about other people's problems and to invest in other people's lives.  Not to mention, this kind of thing--interaction--is where inspiration is drawn from.  It is not pointless in any shape or fashion.

Exhaustion:
     -     I would like to start going to bed later and waking up earlier.  I know, I know.  Sounds counter-productive to curbing exhaustion.  HOWEVER, the fact of the matter is that when I go to sleep at 8p.m. and wake up at 6:45a.m., I am getting almost 11 HOURS OF SLEEP.  That is much too much. In fact, I am only supposed to be having between 7.5 and 8 hours of sleep a night.  SO.  New bedtime is 10:00 p.m. and new wake up time is 6:00 a.m.  That gives me my goal amount of sleep.  This also allows about 2.5 hours of time AFTER my daughter goes to sleep for me to play music and record, do dishes, clean, read, watch TV, have "me" time, etc.  And waking up at 6, gives me 30-45 minutes to do dishes or clean if I need to, and to do yoga and meditate BEFORE starting my day.  This will help with my exhaustion.  It will also most likely help with my perfectionism and introversion as well, as I will have time to meditate and think and have "me" time as a way to start my day off.

I am tired of taking my strengths/weaknesses and just assuming that they control how I act and what I will do and what I will create.

"Although of course you end up becoming yourself." - David Foster Wallace

I control what I do and how I act, and I am strong and more than the things I define myself by.  Those things are not limitations.  I control my future.

Who am I and what matters to me doesn't have to be a reflective question.  The future is now.  The future is beautiful, and if I work hard and makes goals, it's just the way I want it to be.

Learning How to Daughter

Today, I tried to practice what I preached.  Today, I tried to be in the moment.  And I had a really fantastic day with my daughter.  We played hide and seek and baked cookies.  We read lots of books--she made me read a Farm Animal Sounds book seven times in a row because she knows what dogs say and was excited to learn some other animals' sounds too.  I can see her wheels turning lately.  I can say something like, "Where is the pig's eye?"  And she points to it.  "Where is momma's nose?"  And she points to it.  Sometimes she points to her own nose instead.  She doesn't really understand the who part yet. :)

But we had a fantastic day.  She went to bed late, and was pissed about it--seemingly because she didn't want the wonderful day to end.

I love being a mom.  I love what she teaches me.  I love learning with her.

She gets so frustrated about simple things--today, she was holding one of those nose sucker things while I was changing her clothes, and the item was too large for her to continue holding while I put her arm in the sleeve.  So I tried to take it from her, and she resisted, looking at me with a  frantic face like she was about to throw down about holding this nose sucker.   So I let it go and asked if she would put it down on the table and I patted the table to signal to her where to put it.  She happily put it down.  It wasn't the act of losing the nose sucker (why couldn't it have been a more romantic object now that I'm telling the story?!) that upset her.  It was the act of me taking it from her.  She wanted to do it on her own time in her own way.

And I ought encourage that.  I ought be present to be familiar with what her own way looks like so that I can encourage it and encourage our bonding instead of a power struggle between us.

She's my daughter, but there's no reason I should treat her as beneath me.  Me and my mom do things completely different, and I am happy I was allowed the space for me to learn how I like to do things.

So I continue this quest of learning how to deal with my one year old and treat her with respect.  And humble myself in the process with how simple "getting along" can really be.

I can't believe I am so lucky to be living this life I lead.

I love her independence.  I love everything about her.  She's my girl.

Be Alive

The amount of order and disarray in my mind. 

Everything that can be scheduled must be in order, organized, and mapped out on a linear time frame.

A to-do list with suggested times of completion. 

"After I leave this errand, I will head to that errand and complete other errand which is on the way to that errand."

Lines.

Sometimes intersecting.  Sometimes seemingly sporadic, but always planned out, at the very least, five minutes ahead.

A constant state of repeating. "Hangers.  Milk.  Magnets.  Hangers.  Milk.  Magnets." 

"Damn it.  I'll just write it down in my notes on my phone.  And keep looking down at it when I forget why I came here.  And keep looking down.  And keep looking down.  And planning which route to take to consolidate my steps and time."

Never trusting myself to remember everything that I need to get done, even when I try my hardest to just. Think. About. The. Things. That. Don't. Matter.

And in the mean time, I miss my daughter giving up on trying to catch my attention. (Or so I imagine--it seems I wouldn't know).  :(

What am I so afraid of thinking about, seeing, talking to, or dreaming about that I shut off that side of my brain.  "Here, think of these things-grocery lists and bed times." 

Why can't I just play?  Why can't I use my time to get in the bath with my daughter?  Or go exploring with my boyfriend (jk I don't have one)?  Or paint my body in beautiful colors and take nude pictures?  Or sit down at the piano and just play all night--not for recording or for writing, but just because I want to enjoy myself and not judge myself?

Life is for living. 

Not for marking days off of lists.

It's okay to think sometimes.  And it's okay to not think sometimes.  But don't forget to live along the way.

I've always known I have a tendency to redirect within in some shape or form.  And really, I'm okay with it--it's how I work best.  But I want to redirect to constructive outlets, and not to consolidate my creativity into outlets I would do best at.  I want to redirect to constructive outlets that make me feel alive and happy and present.  Even if I suck at them.

Example: Traveling from Point A to Point B.

If Point A and Point B are familiar, then really it is the journey between these two points that could be the most fun.

And just because it is important to get from Point A to Point B doesn't mean that one can't have fun along the way.

The area in between is all of the things that I look over, and sometime I wonder if those things are more important than the points at which I stop to look around.  

I want my head up while I'm traveling.  I want to feel alive. 

I want to squeeze you and tell you I love you and feel your skin and your temperature and your clothes all at the same time.

I want to be alive.

Feeling Down Don't Get Me Down

Been really down this weekend. Got my dream job that I've been wanting for two years, only to have to turn it down because the benefits don't cater to individuals with families. Then finding out people I called friends blocked me on social media because? My house is a wreck. My car is a wreck. Want to hide and hibernate. Wasn't eating. Wasn't drinking water. Wasn't taking care of myself. Laying in bed.

And now I feel really shitty about the way I handled all of it. Life is hard sometimes. And sometimes it's really not that hard. Sometimes I'm really dramatic.

And SOMETIMES instead of beating yourself up about feelings first and then how you handle them and how you also weren't productive and that must mean you're a bad mom and that must mean your daughter is going to be raised around an unhealthy mom, etc. until my ANXIETY IS THROUGH THE ROOF AND I WANT TO CONTINUE TO RUN AND HIDE....

Maybe I should breathe and realize that this week just started and it's fresh and new, and I control my future and feelings and the way I handle them. I can't change the past. But I'm gonna rock the hell out of my future. I'm going to take care of myself. I'm going to figure out what I need to be happy and healthy, and I'm going to actively do that, and if I don't get around to doing everything, I'm going to have grace with myself. Because moms do a lot. And it's okay to have a bad weekend. But thinking that means you have to have a bad week is so silly. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and ROCK THIS SHIT! Strong. Mama.

Taking My Life by the Reigns

It’s okay to be selfish.  It’s okay to take my time. 

I don’t owe anyone any explanation for the way I am or the way I feel. 

Sure, I should be a work in progress and be actively bettering myself.  But right now, I am enjoying loving myself.  I am enjoying loving my daughter. 

And I see no reason to rush learning lessons that I undoubtedly will learn in due time.

I can take my time regarding what I want to do in my life.  As long as I’m moving forward and doing it for ME and my DAUGHTER, then nothing else really matters and I don’t owe anyone else an explanation.

You can try to make me feel bad for doing what makes me happy.  But it doesn’t make me feel anything at all really.

I don’t owe you anything at all.

I’ve got everything I need.  And some day, if I feel as if I need more, I will make that decision on my own.  Because it’s a decision only I can make. 

(It’s odd looking at this situation from a view point that is typically the other person’s view point).

But I don’t feel bad.  And I don’t feel like I need to apologize.

And seeing someone pout about my decisions is the biggest turn off and makes me know I did the right thing.

Because if I can hold my head high and have confidence in my decisions, that means I have grown—that I am becoming the woman I want to be and the kind of woman that I RESPECT.

 

I make mistakes.  All of the time.  But recognizing those mistakes and making them right and NOT beating yourself up about them is a much more productive way of looking at life than wondering what could be or what could’ve been.

The way things are is the way things are and the way things CAN BE is totally up to me and me alone.

I hold the keys to my future.

So don’t try to steal my keys and then pout when I don’t give them to you.

Love your own life.

I love mine.

(Feeling free and empowered and loving my life and the people that are in it.  Don’t mind me).

I want to travel.  I want to recycle.  I want to be healthy.  I want to be involved.  I want to be active.  I want to be a good mom.  I want to make music.  I want to make art.  I want to make things with my garden.  I want to see the earth and the things we are given from it as coming full circle.

If you hold me back from these things and tell me you love me, I think really you just love your idea of me.

And I don't think that you need to be a part of my vision for my life.

And that is fine.  I love my life and what I have created for myself.  And that feels better than making anyone else happy.  

This is the first time in my life that I feel this way.  And it's so satisfying.