Friday, January 27, 2017

Be Alive

The amount of order and disarray in my mind. 

Everything that can be scheduled must be in order, organized, and mapped out on a linear time frame.

A to-do list with suggested times of completion. 

"After I leave this errand, I will head to that errand and complete other errand which is on the way to that errand."

Lines.

Sometimes intersecting.  Sometimes seemingly sporadic, but always planned out, at the very least, five minutes ahead.

A constant state of repeating. "Hangers.  Milk.  Magnets.  Hangers.  Milk.  Magnets." 

"Damn it.  I'll just write it down in my notes on my phone.  And keep looking down at it when I forget why I came here.  And keep looking down.  And keep looking down.  And planning which route to take to consolidate my steps and time."

Never trusting myself to remember everything that I need to get done, even when I try my hardest to just. Think. About. The. Things. That. Don't. Matter.

And in the mean time, I miss my daughter giving up on trying to catch my attention. (Or so I imagine--it seems I wouldn't know).  :(

What am I so afraid of thinking about, seeing, talking to, or dreaming about that I shut off that side of my brain.  "Here, think of these things-grocery lists and bed times." 

Why can't I just play?  Why can't I use my time to get in the bath with my daughter?  Or go exploring with my boyfriend (jk I don't have one)?  Or paint my body in beautiful colors and take nude pictures?  Or sit down at the piano and just play all night--not for recording or for writing, but just because I want to enjoy myself and not judge myself?

Life is for living. 

Not for marking days off of lists.

It's okay to think sometimes.  And it's okay to not think sometimes.  But don't forget to live along the way.

I've always known I have a tendency to redirect within in some shape or form.  And really, I'm okay with it--it's how I work best.  But I want to redirect to constructive outlets, and not to consolidate my creativity into outlets I would do best at.  I want to redirect to constructive outlets that make me feel alive and happy and present.  Even if I suck at them.

Example: Traveling from Point A to Point B.

If Point A and Point B are familiar, then really it is the journey between these two points that could be the most fun.

And just because it is important to get from Point A to Point B doesn't mean that one can't have fun along the way.

The area in between is all of the things that I look over, and sometime I wonder if those things are more important than the points at which I stop to look around.  

I want my head up while I'm traveling.  I want to feel alive. 

I want to squeeze you and tell you I love you and feel your skin and your temperature and your clothes all at the same time.

I want to be alive.

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