That Time I Gave That Speech

How life changes...

There are very few things that stay the same in one's life.

Everything changes.

The people in your life stand by your side or they don't.  Depending on what they're going through.  It all appears to be subjective.

I find that the only constants in my life revolve around two things-- my social tendencies and one thing I can't shake.  (I don't even want to shake it).

I usually have the same tendencies.  I can tell if I like you as a person or not upon a first meeting usually.  I get really close to them.  And then I get scared that I shouldn't have ever gotten so close to them.  At this point, if I decide that I shouldn't have gotten so close to them, I either run and distance myself from them, become a hermit and disappear from my social circle, or move.  If I decide that it's okay that I'm that close to someone, I dive even deeper into them.  And then I start questioning the other person, whether they're acting honestly or not.  Are they a good person?  Do they even like me as a person or are they just doing me a favor to hang out with me?  All of these are stupid questions that I shouldn't even really be concerned with at this point-- I should've decided to trust or not initially instead of waiting to ask myself important and/or stupid questions.  Once I decide all of these things, I ask "Am I happy?"  I never know the answer to that question.  I just keep looking.  For what, I don't know.

It's at this point--whenever I'm having problems of any kind...  (in fact, sometimes when I feel like I'm on top of the world) it all comes back to the same problem I had when I was sixteen.  I just don't talk about it anymore.  Most of the time I don't even act on it.  I just think about it, toy with the idea of it.  I don't know what good that does me.  I don't know if it's for attention or if it's a cry out for something or if it really does make me feel better.  But I felt like I was really happy back then and everyone else thought it was wrong.  But I loved it.  And I always want that back.  I felt totally in control of myself.  I've never felt so in control of myself as then.

And now I'm getting older and it's not even socially acceptable to be that way still at my age (as if it was ever acceptable in the first place).  I should be thinking about getting married and having kids or something.  The truth is, I'm scared I won't ever be able to have kids because of that in the first place.  And that makes me not want to get married.  I don't want to fail at my job.  It breaks my heart. And makes me want to do it all over again as some form of self-punishment/self-reward--something to show for it.  I don't understand it.

Any time I've talked about it in the past, I spoke of it as if it were some past problem that I'm totally over.  I still feel the problem.  I just don't talk about it anymore.

I don't know why I'm writing this.  I'll never ever want to talk about it.  That's personal.

But I guess it's the only time I've admitted to it in present tense.  Whatever that's good for.

This blog is horrible.