Breathe ::: Parenting a Toddler

There is a lot going on in the world right now.  Believe it or not, the KKK and Neo-Nazi's have arisen from the ashes in order to fight for their "rights to free speech," etc., and I can't help but feel a panging ache in my chest about bringing my daughter up in the South in a time such as this.  I want her to be in a place away from this kind of pain and fear for your life if you stand with your brethren, standing up for what you believe to be right.  Sometimes I'd like to just go out in the woods of a different state and just not come back out.  Sometimes I'd like to just disappear.  And then I think about social strengths and weaknesses for her and how it is GOOD for her to interact and to feel strong feelings towards things and other people, even if that feeling is a feeling of "I do not understand you" and "I disagree with you."  I just dislike that there has to be so much unnecessary hate in this world; the fact that I have to explain that to her some day is heartbreaking.



On top of all of this, I am experiencing some real difficulty in raising a toddler.  It is very difficult for me to not lose my temper.  I feel like I need order in my house in order to keep my anxiety at bay.  I guess "anxiety" is what we're calling it--the need to have alone time, the need for peace and quiet, and the immediate sense of "fight or flight" when I feel that this is taken away. My daughter is in a part of her childhood where she needs to be with me a great deal; when she cannot have my full attention, she becomes very upset and hits or screams or throws things.  When she acts this way, I become frustrated.  I am frustrated because I feel like most parents would be able to have their partner help at this time, and I don't have that luxury.  I become frustrated because after a long day of work, the last thing I want to hear is a screaming child while I continue to work (or cook) in order to feed us.  I become frustrated because after a long day of dealing with people non-stop, I would just like to relax and cuddle instead of trying to talk more to a little person who doesn't understand me.  But the problem here is that all of these frustrations are about the way I feel.  She is frustrated because of how she feels, and I just keep the cycle going.  Wouldn't it be nice if I were able to recognize this moment as a time to teach and bond instead of power through an unpleasant situation, turning off my ears and my emotions to attempt to accomplish absolute zombie/autopilot state in order to retreat into the part of my mind that can shut off all outside forces. 

She just needs me to be present!  She's begging me to be present with her--she's had a long day too, and she just wants to feel understood and loved.

I can do better.  I've got to do better.

I love this little girl to death, and I want her to know that feelings are FINE to have!  It's the way we deal with them that makes the difference.