:: be mindful ::

 

I am doing all of the "right things."

But it doesn't feel good.

 

I want my body and my mind to meet in the middle.  I'm going to try that for a while and see how it goes.  I think that's okay. 

 

I have an appointment with a nutritionist next week to discuss everything that's wrong with my head apparently.  My head doesn't feel out of control.  But it feels like a heavy burden that I don't want to carry. 

 

I'm so in love with my life--the people in it, the opportunities that I have, etc.  (But) When I take a look at my daily life and what it consists of, it feels very tame.  It feels like small variations of the same thing every day.  Is this what a proper life should feel like?  Am I so used to chaos and uncertainty that something steady feels unadventurous?  Why do I feel this urge to run away all of the time?  Why do I feel signed out?  Where went my passion?  Where went the blue eyeliner and the drive to make something different of myself?  Or was that just angst that one outgrows? 

 

I want to feel passionate about everything that I am doing--every moment that I am in. Maybe that's dramatic to say, but I do want to be 100% present in the time that I am in.  I want to be really listening when someone talks, really playing with my daughter, really tuning into myself when I am having "me-time."  This is a start.

 

I think they call it, "mindfulness."

 

Tonight, I am baby-free, and have made a point to be boyfriend-free for the first part of the night as well so that I might do the following:

meditate

run the diffuser

yoga

make rose oil for my stretchmarks (and to smell up the house and be meditative)

create music

possibly record

possibly draw or paint

 

I am lucky that I have a boyfriend who recognizes my need for these things.

 

I need to reconnect to myself, and what makes me tick when everything else is away.

 

I just want to feel like myself again.

 

Thoughts from 1.6.19 (but posted 2.8.19)

We are potty training right now for the second weekend in a row of not being able to go to a store or outside without accidents. 

I STRONGLY do not like this time.  It’s not a thing where I hate my life or anything—I know this time will pass.  But I feel trapped in a routine that I detest with every fiber of my being.

I crave alone time.

I crave drives.

I crave staying at a hotel in the middle of a city that I don’t know.  Maybe it’s a sleepy city.  Maybe it’s one that I walk around in, quiet and unseen, in the middle of a crowd of busy people.

I crave being away.  I crave being left alone for a while.  I crave being held.  Really being held.  I crave being present.

But all I seem to see in myself is the person running from their present-day responsibilities, and it’s not pretty.  I see someone that should be completely happy in the life I have—a comfortable one, full of love and affection and happiness and laughing and love—and that should be really excelling at the things I am—a mother, a provider, a creative.

And yet I am still struggling with the things I have struggled with all along—balance.  How do I be 100% for everyone?  How can I be a loving and caring mother as well as a happy and in-tune-with-myself person?

I feel like the person I am inside does not cater to being a mother.  And I don’t know how to combine the two and remain sane.  I want to be a caring, patient mother, as well as someone who also takes care of my mental and physical state impeccably.  The things in the way- time, resets, my need for order and cleanliness.

I don’t need to say mean things—they don’t help, even if I’m thinking them.  Thinking doesn’t mean saying.

I love my daughter.  I love my boyfriend.  I love myself.  I wish I had more time and more of me to give to each of these things.

Maybe I need more time to myself.  Meditation and quiet times with myself mean everything to me.  Maybe I need to wake up earlier. 

Yes, I’ll wake up earlier.  So that I can meditate and yoga and me-time in the mornings.  And be available to the people in my life while I am with them.  I want to truly experience them.  I don’t want to be signed out in some in-between state just to function.

I want to be everything that I can be.

So I wake up earlier.  I take less naps.  And I enjoy everything.

“Who will rock the cradle when I’m gone?”

 

This is my greatest calling.  And it is priority.